We set a date to start TTC but I just can’t bear to wait

has anyone else been through this?

I’m 37 and a half and my boyfriend and I agreed to start TTC by Nov 2018. My amh is 3.5 which we found out in June 2017 which was a huge shock to him as he expected I’d be really fertile and young - but wasn’t a shock to me at all. In fact it was sadly what I expected and felt to be true from my own body and feelings. 

We are old friends and lovers from our early twenties who recently met again and fell in love in October 2016. He is going through a divorce and we are cohabiting in secret and are not out on Facebook in order to make the divorce smooth. 

We agreed in fertility counselling session (which came free with the tests) that we would detest me in June to see how my fertility is holding up and maybe start TTC in June 2018 or if not then by Nov 2018 or maybe later if results justify it. 

Recently my periods and ovulation have become almost unbearabl  I feel huge sadness and even deep grief each time I just know that the window is closing and I can’t bear the idea of living myself without ever having the chance to TTC.

We’ve talked about adoption and I would be happy to do that and so would he but because we can’t afford to get a two bed without his divorce going through we can’t register for adoption or fostering  We could go to a talk but when I’ve suggested it there hasn’t been any uptake.

I feel like I can’t accept just drifting on through time and letting my Fertility just drift away. It might sound bonkers but I just know I need to get going or it will never work. 

He says he wants us to have a stronger relationship first  and I totally agree  - it’s essential that we can be a healthy couple through hard times  - but it also feels vague and Also slightly like he has adopted the role of judge of the relationship.

that combined with the divorce and all the waiting  it seems like my future family with him is behind a glass door that I can’t open. I can’t keep zipping up what I want and waiting and waiting  it’s making me so upset and that’s not helping our relationship.

i feel so strongly I’m worried I should leave in order to pursue making a family alone and then hope he will come and get me .

I don’t want a huge big melodrama but I really feel that the facts of fertility and my emotions and intuition are being ignored and that by staying and not being able to work this through that I am sacrificing too much of myself for his timetable and that the resentment could destroy the relationship.

Has anyone had anything similar ? I feel so alone  - I’ve talked to friends and family and views are mixed...... I’ve talked to my partner and he says he loves me and really doesnt want me to leave and that he wants me to trust the plan  - I say we aren’t doing the planning we aren’t trying to adopt and that’s the only reason I was able to imagine waiting to TTC and that when we made the plan I had no idea how excruciatingly difficult this all will be .

He says he doesn’t want to TTC before he gets divorced  - I say that the divorce running late which I cant control shouldn’t control my opportunity to be a mother  - if the divorce was started earlier then it might have been done by now and he said recently that he realises now that I was right all along about that and he wishes he had started it earlier  - I am so worried that it will be the same with this  - what can I do?

how can I lovingly champion my case here without causing friction and making an ultimatum- as that could mean he does the right thing for the wrong reason.

i wonder if I should move back out to give him space and time to think???