Feeling alone and stuck please help
Me and my husband have been together for 6 years and our child is now 16 months. We were both so excited but from the day we brought her home he just left me to get on with it. He changed his job to work from home 4 days a week so he could help me with the baby. But he didn't help very much not helping with feeds or going to the shop to get supplies. He never done a night feed because he couldn't stay awake which I didn't mind at first because he was working but fast forward a few months and I was exhausted and suffering from postnatal depression which our health visitor had spoken to him about. He never gave me any support and left me to cope with a colic baby by myself. He didn't pull his weight with housework or cooking. Fast forward to her being 16 months old and we have been arguing for months now. He still works from home 4 days a week and I work 4 nights a week. He complains that I want to sleep for a few hours during the day when I'm working and we argue all the time about him helping with housework and cooking. It has got to the point wear I don't know if I can carry on. I have had to deal with everything by myself and accept the postnatal depression. I work to provide for our child which he rarely offers to help pay for anything or buy her anything she needs. His idea of helping around the house is washing up a few times a week but won't cook her meals or do any other cleaning. Am I wrong for asking him to help out more? He says I always want him to do things when he is busy but he expects all the cleaning, shopping and teaching our daughter to be done so easily by myself when I'm working full time. I feel so low and rotten about everything and I'm actually questioning whether it's wrong to ask so much of a man? Please help me
Replies
Hi there,
You are definitely not asking too much of him. You both made the baby so why should you do it all alone.
Have you tired having this conversation on neutral ground; sometimes having these conversations at home (where the problems are) can caused an issue too. If you have the opportunity to go out of the house together (or even the 3 of you) it may help. Ask him how he feels about being a Dad; sometimes men are backwards in admitting they are struggling too.
Give each other "talking space" and take turns in speaking.
Hope this helps?
Goodness our stories are very similar could he be depressed? It sounds similar to my partner I dont work but I have three at home with no support or any help.
Like you I tried talking to him but it got me nowhere I decided also like you I couldn't carry on like this and asked him to move out to take the pressure off its calmer in the house but he seems the same. You are not asking too much you deserve love and respect and you aren't getting it. Hugs to you.
Im in the same boat and im aittint now in mcdonalds car park cruing my eyes cos i dont know how much longer i can cope
We have tried talking outside of the house and it still leads to an argument. He can't accept that he doesn't do enough to help me and always brings up whatever he has done to help that week like that's plenty. Apparently he says all men are like it and I would never find a man that would help me like I ask him too. Yes he is depressed and have been for a while but like me is on medication to help with it. He says he is fine being a dad and doesn't struggle but he rarely tales her out by himself or spends that one on one time teaching her things. We have had the conversation about splitting up which he seems to be against but isn't willing to change
Something has to give... you can’t do it all in terms of working and taking care of everything at home. I would perhaps put it more as if he has some choice to make so he feels like he has a bit more of a say in decisions... talk to him about how you understand his needs and difficulties and want to help him through that so that as a family you an be happy... but that you are struggling too and can’t do it all so you would like him to help make a decision about whether you should leave your job to be a full time mum (& therefore he is responsible for the family income) or you keep your job and he helps more around the house. Maybe set up a schedule so he can see clearly what you would like him to do on what days... that way he can refer to that without you asking him to do things which guys can interpret as ‘nagging’ even though we all know it’s not!
My husband Does very little around the house but I am a stay at home Mum so don’t feel so bad about it as that’s my ‘job‘ to take care of those things... of course I would love it if he cooked a meal every now and then or did some cleaning but it is what it is and I just get on with it.