Stepchild question

edited Apr 11, 2019 9:21AM in Relationships
Just wanted to ask opinions. My partner has a 9 year old daughter from previous relationship. We then had son together 3 years ago. I always treat them equally when it comes to birthdays Christmas etc and if I buy something for my son and I know my stepdaughter will be home to see then I get her something too. I don’t have any say in her life although we’re been together since she was just over 1. I cover the cost of things like clothing and uniforms etc but around the house I don’t have much authority because my partner feels I’m being mean to her if I tell her off and that I’m doing it because she’s not my daughter...my son had his first nursery visit organised and this was so parents could stay for half and then leave him for half. I was very anxious and I’ve only been to the nursery once before by myself. My partner wanted us all to go together and I told him I didn’t want to take the other child as I didn’t feel this would help my son settle. She’s also quite attention seeking and she tends to show off in front of people we’ve just met by overly mothering my son ie picking him up constantly and telling him what to do etc. I’ve never said this to my partner and he doesn’t see it but I feared if she came the visit would become about her and not my son. I was also worried that my son would be more likely to get upset when it came time to leave if it was all of us. This has led to a massive argument and my partner telling me I did it just as another way to exclude his daughter. I feel like I’m never able to just have my focus on my son and that I’m constantly having to compromise my sons first experiences of things to suit his sister. Opinions as to wether it’s me or my partner who is in the wrong. Nursery visited ended up being cancelled as I was left in tears.

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  • I know it can be very difficult to get the balance right when you have a step child. I have a step child and my children are step children to my partner.

    It sounds that you are very fair on the whole and try you best to treat them equally. I think it can be difficult when you have an older step child than your own child, as you grow with your children. I know I probably had higher expectations of my step son then I would now of my own children as I didnt totally understand what he was and wasnt capable of until my children were older.

    In terms of the nursery visit i can see both sides. You are totally right that all of you going may be unsettling. But if this is the case then you would be better if just one parent went with your son.

    If your step daughter was your child and lived with you full time how would you feel? I am guessing that either you would not have child care and she would come with you or one parent would take your son to. Nursery. It also sounds like your step daughter loves your son and is proud of him, my daughters act just the same with their little brother. 

    I have four children and my childrens firsts are shared between all of them, sometimes one parent misses out because we dont have childcare for the other children. Thats part of being a family. I think maybe instead of feeling that your step daughter in some way spoils things that actually its lovely for your son to have more people to celebrate his achievements and firsts. Thats what being a family is all about. 

    Ultimately every one has to compromise and your partner should allow you to be more part of his daughters up bringing in the house but also you should allow her to share your sons first

    i hope you manage to rearrange the nursery visit, maybe do it on a day she is not visiting and then you dont need to worry so much
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