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Husband had an affair whilst I was pregnant

I am looking for some advice and opinions on what people think I should do.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years. I gave birth to our first child in February this year and in March my husband told me that he had been having an affair for the last 4 months - this means the affair was whilst I was pregnant and during the first month of our daughters life. He told me that he was in love with the other woman and that they had spent the last 4 months planning their future together and that he wanted to leave me to be with her. The affair sounded pretty intense and he told me everything about it - all the times he had lied about where he was but was actually with her, the messages about how much they loved each other and also how they spent ages planning their future together.

I don’t think I processed this properly because I just didn’t want to accept it was true and looking back I think I was in denial as the night that he told me he wanted to leave me we talked and he ended up staying.

We carried on and acted like nothing had happened but the other woman had left her husband for him and as a result she had been left with nothing.

The next couple of months my husband kept saying he wasn’t sure if he had done the right thing and didn’t know if he wanted to stay with me. He said he also loved the other woman as well as me and didn’t know what to do. He did this a number of times but each time came back to me to say he wanted to make things work. He did this for the final time a couple of weeks ago and said he loved me and wanted to be with me.

We have been having couples counselling but I have found out that during those months when he was undecided and taking time to think about what he wanted - he was still speaking to her every day telling her the same thing as me. Telling her he was in love with her and didn’t know what to do. I have also found out that during that time he was meeting her and having sex with her!

He has been honest about all of this and told me everything - he has even told me that he is still in love with the other woman but he thinks it’s a different kind of love. He said he wants to get over her so has cut all contact with her.

Am I being too weak staying with him? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I find myself constantly worrying that he is still talking to her and meeting up with her and I don’t know if that will ever go away?

He has been honest about everything and some of the things he has told me have been incredibly hard to hear and painful but I see that as proof that he is now being honest.

What would you do in my situation?

Am I still in denial and taking him back too quickly because I just want life to go back to normal? And what is best for our daughter. I love him and want to have a family together but I just don’t know what to do.

I would really love to hear from people who have been in similar situations to this and find out if you would do anything different in hindsight or to know if for anyone you did regain trust again. 

Replies

  • I haven’t been in this situation but I didn’t want to read and run!

    i don’t really know what to say. My gut is to tell you to run!!! But the problem is you love him. I’m just not sure if he loves you in the same way though. I kind’ve think you deserve so much better. 

    I know people can recover from affairs and move on. And I understand he’s telling you the truth but you were pregnant with his baby and he was sleeping with someone else. 

    I feel like you have lost your self worth but that could be really naive of me! Having a baby leaves you very emotional and I personally felt very vulnerable and insecure. 

    I just feel like you deserve someone who loves you and only you, like you deserve.xxx
  • Treason and a love triangle are a common problem in human relationships, from which neither family unions with impressive experience, nor young couples are immune. Relationships in a love triangle arise when people need something psychologically, emotionally, or physically. Treason is always the result of gradually increasing dissatisfaction, conflict, mutual discontent between former lovers. In my opinion, you all need help from a specialist, don't know if your husband will want, but highly recommended to you 
  • Hiya hun,

    As the above lady said its hard to say really. Aswel as EMJ3 I have to agree that he betrayed you in the worst way he could of. You were pregnant with his baby, pregnancy is a roller coaster of emotions and to do that to you and his unborn baby is shocking. Yes people can recover from affairs but he is telling you he still loves her aswel as you. You deserve so much better than that  and he is to be ashamed of what he's done, planning another life with this woman then cha get his mind multiple times is not good enough. I know you still love him but I'm sorry he doesn't deserve your love. You and your baby and what you need to think about not him, whether he's going to be off with her or not, or indeed someone else. He will do it again guaranteed. He doesn't deserve you. Sorry hun but he really doesn't. He's told you the truth yes but that doesn't excuse any of it. He can't be trusted again and you will forever be thinking the doughtful thoughts. Your worth a billion times more than that. Xxx
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