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I can't cope with my 9yr old daughter! please help

I'm pregnant with my 5th baby, i already have 3 boys with my partner but my Daughter isn't his! I met my partner 6 yrs ago now and he also has 3 girls. It's too much of a long story to go into at the mo but i just can't cope with her attitude and she makes me cry almost everyday at the moment and she is upsetting the whole house! I even phoned social services as i just didn't know where to turn! The school nurse has been round a few times and she isn't much help, she just recommends i try things that you'd do with younger children and most of them i've tried anyway. Can anyone please help me because i really don't know what else i can do and i'm considering sending her to live with her nana (her real dads mum) which i really don't want to do. Please can anyone help. xx


  • Probably not got any advice as such for you hun but didn't want to r&r.

    How old are ur oh girls and how often do they visit? It sounds to me as thou ur daughter is a little insecure at the moment and is trying to re-establish her place in the family and the only way she feels she can do this is by getting reactions from you, whether good or bad - as far as she is concerned, she's getting attention.

    At age 9 she is now also approaching that wonderful stage of puberty and all the hormonal changes that come with that......this could be adding to her insecure feelings. As ur pregnant as well, she may be unsure as to how much support she's gonna get from you with any questions or problems. I have 2 girls, 8 & 7, and in these last few wks of my pregnancy have developed a knack of making me feel terribly guilty coz I can't do as much with them as they'd like me too...........

    Your daughter needs lots of re-assurances at the moment, she needs to be physically told that ur still there for her, even thou there's a new one on the way. I've taken to reminding my 2 that I do love them, no matter what, giving extra cuddles out of the blue and just trying to give them a bit of 1 on 1 time each as well, when I can (I have 2 small boys as well as this one on the way so do understand that time is never spread easily lol). There are days where things seem to plod along ok then we'll have a cpl of days where it's like hell but I do find that by going back to basics and doing the constant re-assurances again, things quieten down.

    Dunno if there's anything there to help you but just wanted to let you know you're not alone email button is at the bottom of this post, email me if you ever want to chat....don't feel like you have to struggle thru this by urself.

  • Hi hun, I really feel for you, My oldest daughter is 9 and I must admit I am fing=ding her a challenge, I love her to bits but sometimes she just drives me mad, her attitude is awful, she answers back yet all I hear about her from her school is that she is a wonderful and polite helpful girl image what works for me is reminding myself that she is probably at the age where she is going to hit puberty anytime, apparantly girls get mood cycles for up to 2 years before their periods start, this would explain alot about her. It really is a challenge and I never went through this with my 12 year old son so it is a complete shock, I guess its just part of parenthood. She was actually more jealous and insecure when my 18 month old son was bor than her sister who was 2 1/2 at the time.

    Sorry if I'm not much help but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone
  • Hello Michelle

    I hope I can offer some words of encouragement. Firstly I completely agree with Mumx5, who has replied already.

    How are you doing?

    The most imprtant thing I think is to remember - You're in charge! You are the parent. Can you remember being 9 yourself? I can, I was a handful, and my Mum and I often remind ourselves of these times! I was packed of to Grandmas to live also.

    I use to be a childminder, and I had a 9yr old in my care. Hormone changes are a contributing factor, but also I realised how easily influenced girls are at that age. I'm sure some Mums at school are having to cope with similar stresses, and I wonder if it might help talking with them?

    As difficult as these times are, definately as you have little ones to deal with all day too, I would try to keep calm at all times, do not let your daughters attitude frustrate you (so much easier said than done I know!). A good friend of mine, works very closely with her husband when disiplining the children, and if she feels she is losing it, he steps in with a calm head - but they work together (even when they don't agree!).

    I would maybe intruduce a zero tolerence for extreme unacceptable behavior - grounding a child at that age is usually a constructive punishment. But when the temper has calmed, and despite how mad you feel, go and talk to her, explain that her behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anymore. Follow through with all disapline.

    On the other hand, she is stil very young, and is leaning. Try to include her, as I'm sure you do already, in everything you and the little ones do. Never sleep on a row. Still kiss and hug her and tell her you love her very much. Reassurance is key. Try, when possible, as rare as it might be to spend alone time together. Maybe listen to her when possible, she may have lots of worries and concerns that might be effecting her behavior - build a trust.

    And worse case senario, if it gets really bad and you want to let off steam... get on here and talk/offload. It'll do the world of good.

    I am sure most of these things you are doing already. Its so hard to advise when I dont know you. You obviously are a great Mum, you have a lovely little troop, and are very concerned about your daughter - and have even tried to seek support for this. Remember you can always speak to your GP too, they have tons of information avaiable.

    Good luck Michelle, and please stay in touch! x
  • Hi babe,
    It sounds like you have your hands full.
    I agree with mumx5, also maybe you both need a little time together(even if its half hour reading a girly mag) just to give each other a bit of lovin instead of feeling the urge to have a go at each other.
    I do wonder if maybe you are so similar that you could be feeling sort of the same things and all you really need is a good cuddle and cry together-if you can understand that. I can remember feeling the same towards my mum when she was pregnant(i was 10) in the end she just took me in her arms and wouldnt let go until I let it all out, she ended up crying as much as me!!!!!!!!!
    Something else I would suggest that may help is ignoring her bad behaviour(hard I know) and then when she's being good/kind/nice give her a big hug out of the blue.even if she's only being nice for 30 seconds. I can understand how busy and difficult things are for you so if you feel the need to rant come on here and let it all out.
    Good luck hun
  • I doubt coming down on her harder is going to help because she may rebel more as girls do but I can't rule out trying the other suggestions here as I have never had a 9 year old and it sounds like these other people have. She is old enough to understand when you speak to her about the way her behaviour makes you feel and everyone around her but don't make it all about her explain her behaviour wouldn't upset you so much if you didn't love her so much and care about her. It sounds like you have a big family there and I can understand giving children individual attention can be difficult in these circumstances. I only have 2 so I can not really understand but I have a good idea. Still your daughter sounds like she is crying out for individual attention. Maybe you could try and organise something the two of you can go out and do together just the two of you. You may find she will be able to talk to you more openly doing an activity with you too. Try to think of something you both enjoy and tell her don't ask her that she is going with you. She will kick up a stink but OOOOOOH MUUUUM translates to thankyou for taking the time to pay attention to and spend time with me mum even if you are becoming a giant dork in my eyes I love you and I feel loved :lol:. She may attempt to hate it and drive you insane or she may settle down and open up to you. Either way you need to set the path for it to happen. Maybe you could also organise some regualr time out from the family for her if there are no other kids at nanna's house then maybe a day or two a week there wont hurt her. Some time where she is in an environment where she is the only one getting attention may help her. I wouldn't ship her off there permanently but speak with her grandmother about the problem and about helping with your daughter's needs.

    In the end all you can do is set down good rules, good examples and the frame work for life and I am afraid she is going to live it how she chooses and she is starting to get to an age where she is deciding how she chooses to live it. If things get worse I would reach out to get her some councelling and I know here in Australia we have Relationships Australia which help in mediating in these types of situations I suggest you ask for help in finding something similar where you live that can help. For a 9 year old to cause you this much trouble something has to be going on she is not talking about.
  • Are you talking about my daughter!

    My DD is 12 nearly 13 and all waht has been said here applies!!

    I'm just glad that it seems normal!!!

    I am just so mad with her sometimes as we give as much as we can and it's still not enough!!!

    Tempers do flare and our neighbours must sometimes think we are mad!

    All in all we get on OK and seeing this post has cheered me up so much!!

    Thanks girls xxxxx
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