Forum home Family life & relationships Single parents

Sorry to gatecrash, I need some advice for a close friend

I'm apologising in advance as this is going to be a bit long and complicated!!!

I've posted this in LF too, as thats where I usually post. But thought I might get some great advice here too. Thanks for reading x

The last month has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me, but a very close friend of mine (we shall name her Rita, lol) has been there for me every step of the way. She came with me to Hospital late one night when I was m/cing, and has been ringing me almost everyday to check how I've been feeling. The week I had the scan/ my grandad died I could'nt have asked for a better friend to help me thorugh it all. Anyway, a couple of days after my grandad died I went over to hers to see her. I usually try and go over ever couple of weeks for dinner. She lives with another couple of close friends of mine too, so we all had a lovely curry! Anyway I usually stay over so I can have a few drinks. It got to 1ish, we went to bed, and then she drops a bombshell! "Bush, (my nickname) I'm pregnant!!!" Omg!! She started to ball her eyes out and I just held her. I did'nt know what to say image She basically caught having a 3 night fling over xmas!! First two nights they were careful and the 3rd night, not so careful! She showed me the 4 or 5 tests she had done, all positive!! And she had known for a week but had'nt wanted to tell me because of what I was going through, she didn't want to upset me even more!! All she kept saying was, I'm so sorry Bush image I told her not to be sorry, it was'nt her fault. I just wish she had told me when she had found out!! It was sad to sit and think we would've been due roughly 3 weeks apart! image
Now, you might be sitting there thinking well, thats a bit stupid but, why did'nt she use anything? She never even thought she could have kids!!! Only a few weeks before we were laying in her bed and I said how I would love to have a baby for her!! She has Lupus and is eplilepic. Doctors have always given her the distinict impression a pregnancy would be highly unlikey and very risky for the baby if she did fall pregnant. She was with an ex for over two years and they were 'just seeing what happened' needless to say, nothing ever did.
So now she has the most hugest of dilemas!!!
Rita was born to be a mother, she loves my kids like they were her own, she even spent xmas with us and brought them some lovely pressies! She really is such a lovely person but feels like shes between a rock and a very hard place. The father doesnt want to know, but has said he will support Rita in whatever desition she makes, which is something. He does live about a 4 hours drive from her though image They only met through another friend (who is his cousin) deep down I think he would face up to his resonsibilites eventually. Thing is shes so scared of being a single mum and being on her own ;(
In an ideal world we all want to be in a relationship when we have a baby.
Thing is, if she does take the 'other route' this could be her very last chance to have a baby. She already knows her chances of m/c are VERY high and her baby could very well be born with a hole in it's heart. If she does terminate and say she tries again in 10 years time, theres nothing to say her Lupus won't get worse, and she could never be able to even concieve.
Rita wanted me to write this so she could read your responces and try and come up with all the pros and cons. We've done a very good job so far but I think she also wants to get opinions from single mums esp, to try and understand what it's really goin to be like for her. She has realised she could be on her own bringing up a baby who will need alot of operations. On the other hand, her bean could go against all the odds and be born perfectly healthy. She has her age on her side (25).
I would be very greatful of any replies and will make sure Rita reads them all too. Thank you so much girls, I just want to make sure she makes the right desition. She knows what I think she should do, but it's up to her now.
Lots of love as always, Sarah and (Rita* 7 weeks ish ) x x x

Back to top


  • hey hun,

    well from a single mums point of view i have found it easier bringing summer up alone than with my ex. she shouldnt let being a single mum put her off having the baby at all! theres loads of support out there for single mums and im sure you would help her out loads! lol

    if it was me i would have the baby and IF there are any health problems with the baby after s/he was born, deal with that then again im sure she would have loads of support. I just think if she didnt have the baby she would never forgive herself.

    tell "rita" good luck with everything x
  • ok this might be quite long and sorry for any miss types, my 3 year old son sabotaged my laptop and some of the buttons are a bit dodgey lol.

    i am a single mum of 2, a 3 year old and a 1 year old, they have the same dad, i made the same mistake twice, we onlt got back a week and i fell pregnant with no.2, being a single mum is great, sometimes hard but most of the time i love it.
    my kids dad see's them maybe once a week and pays a small amount of money towards them, you always have the thought oh u want the hole man, house, job, baby thing, but the way i see it is if you havie the chance then it was ment to be, you may think im being hypocritical with what i say in a while but i do believe if you have been given this chance then take it,
    i had a termination in june last year, ill regret it for the rest of my life but i just would not have been able to cope as i have major depresion and 2 young kids in a 2bed 2nd floor flat with no help, no family or friends around so i am by myself.
    my friends little boy was born with a hole in his heart and 'fucked' artery sorry for the swearing didnt no how else to put it, he has an op to replace the artery with a small tube when he was a couple days old, and he has to have another when he is 1 in feb, and then that sould be him till hes a little older, cause as your heart grows the tube will be too small and will have to be replaced, i also have a close male friend who had a hole inhes heart and he was given a small device to help and when you hear hes heart beating its like a ticking clock, it does anoy him sometime but hes got used to it, hes 22 now.
    my friends girlfriend has a 1 year old son and she has epilepsy and her son is fit as could be

    hope this helped a bit, will be here if anything else needed
    hope all goes good for you
  • Hi,

    I am not a single mum just yet but im a single mum to be. I found myself in a difficult situation, not quite as difficult as your friends but im hoping i might be able to help a little. I was with my ex for nearly a year before i found out he had a wife!! (I stupid of me!) We split and a week later i discovered i was pregnant. Only bein 20 at the time and still living with parents i didnt know what to do. He wouldnt speak to me to talk things through and i was considering a termination, before i made my mind up i had a big blood loss and was convinced i had lost the baby. I cant begin to explain how devastated i was...i have never felt anything like it...the hospital was convinced i had misscarried but suprisingly, i had a scan and baby was perfectly fine. I was so shocked and releived i knew there and then i could have never forgave myself if i had terminated.
    Im very scared of being a single mum, being so young and having no help from the father but i do have a great family who will help and it sounds to me that "rita" is extremely lucky to have a friend like you to help.
    All i can say is i know its gonna be hard work for me and if your friend decides to keep the baby then it will be fore her too, but i know already that its going to be worth it and it certainly sounds like she will mak a fantastic mummy.
    Really hope whatever she decides, shes happy. And best of luck to her xx
Sign In or Register to comment.

Featured Discussions