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am i being selfish and unreasonable?

sorry its a bit long but i don't know what to do...
my lo is nearly 14 months.
i split with her dad a few months ago and i have been letting him take her for the day once or twice a week...when he's free and it suits him....he always brings her back stinking of smoke and says she's slept for 4 hours during the day...even though i've told him not to let her sleep longer than 2.5 hours max.
he also lets his 14 year old sister take her into town with her friends and i have had people ringing me to see where i am as they have seen rhianna out of the buggy running around or being carried by aunty georgia...with no known adult in site.
then this weekend has been the last straw...he was going to have her overnight for the 1st time on saturday but didn't ring until 7pm so he then said he'd pick her up at 9am on sunday. he never turned and wasn't answering his phone, so i phoned his mums house thinking he was still in bed as usual.
his sister answered and when i asked if she knew where he was...she got really larey so i put the phone down. his mum phoned me back and caused another arguement...which carried on via texts when we got off the phone.
darren eventually rang me in the afternoon and had a go coz i argued with his mum and sister...didn't even apologise for not coming...then said he was arrested for fighting in town the night before!!!
it then all kicked off on facebook with loads of stupid messages been thrown about...mainly from his sister.
i have now told him i don't want him taking rhianna anymore until he realises she comes 1st and he can show he's responsible enough.
whenever he comes for her, he's late virtually everytime coz of over sleeping. i've told him when she's old enough to understand, i don't want to see her watching out the window heartbroken coz daddys late again, or have to explain he can't come coz of being arrested for fighting.
he says i'm being selfish and unreasonable, and that i'm putting rhianna in middle of our arguements...he reckons he's the better parent , even though when he lived here he pushed me and pulled my hair while i was holding our daughter.
he's now said he's going to take me to court if i don't let him carry on taking her.
is he right or should i stand my ground?


  • If your honest YOU know you arent being,hes just using empty threats to worry you and hopefully will carry on getting his own way in things!i know someone(babies dad,my ex)just like that and also was excellent at turning his self into the victim in situations,sounds like your ex!dont let him anymore,tell him you are setting some boundaries and you want him to stick to them!ignore his silly childish threats and the rest of his family,really nothing to do with them!its not fair on your child and not really on you either so no you stand your ground!one day he may grow up and see this and regret his can hold your head up no matter what!
  • thank you hunny.
    i know what your saying...deep down i know i should stand my ground...he just has a great way of making me question myself all the time, especially when i'm on my own in the evenings and feeling low.
    all i want is whats best for rhianna, its not as though i'm stopping him or his family from seeing her so i think i'm doing the right thing.
    just don't know where i'd stand in court...and i don't want rhianna holding it against me when she's older, i reckon he, and his family will try and make that happen.
    it probably is just empty threats but its still hard and causes more friction.
    why can't men see our point my friend has said...being a mum you can never be late or forget or sleep-in longer, you have to be there for your baby 24/7 and alot of men just don't realise it!!!
    thanks for your reassurance hun, its really appreciated.
  • being a mum you have to grow up fast and always put someone else first!unfortunately being a dad to some men doesnt equal this!they do get let off the hook far to easily i think and it angers me and also makes me wonder how they can be this way?you will be fine hun,he wont take you to court,he will get bored before that happens,Rhianna wont hold it agaisnt you i think kids are alot cleverer then we give em credit for and when she is older she will see herself what her dad is like and see through all his useless promises,you will of always been there and she will know this,i did worry about this with my son but i know if my ex doesnt change(and i doubt he will)then he will show his true colours to my son him self i wont need to do a thing,only be there as i always have and will be!maybe in time things will get better with him and his family,but dont worry about the court thing or how your daughter will think of you!your her mum and always will be,whats he?some part time dad who im sure she will tire of eventually too!all the best!think im just on one todat sorry,just found out my ex has left his job and so now he no longer pays any csa for his child which winds me up,hes a waste of time,doesnt see his son enough and now doesnt support him either!men eh?lol x
  • thats what worries me about darren actually...he's been sacked from his last 3 jobs and has just started working as a postman but i can't see that lasting as he doesn't like getting up early or being out in bad weather unless its for football!!!
    like you say...its just so frustrating that they get such an easy life.
    i've told him i'm standing my ground and i've spoken to my solicitor just incase he does go to court, which i doubt will happen unless his mum pays or he leaves his job as he will then get legal aid.
    i've already noticed the bond between me and rhianna has got stronger so hopefully your right in saying she will never hold it against me and will understand why i'm doing it when she's older.
    take care hunny, and thank you for your support
  • clearly you have nothing to worry about
    courts wont take him seriously when hes out gettin arrested for fighting when he was meant to be having your daughter overnight!
    and hes been sacked from his last 3 jobs. not exactly a stable environment for your daughterso he has no chance in courts!
    well that my opinion. i dont think you are bein selfish or unreasonable at all. just being a great mum and caring for your daughter.

    not bein funny but why is he lettin a 14 year old take her out?
    i know i used to take my niece out but not alone at 14!
    good luck! x
  • hi jaynie. thanks for your support.
    i've spoken to my solicitor now and she says if he goes through the court he'll end up with alot worse than what i've offered him...i now doubt he'd go that route anyway.
    but he's as good as said he'd rather not see her at all than see her at my house...that says it all!!!
    he has text a few times to see how she is though which is really unusual so i don't know what he's doing.
  • shug stand your ground, you are in your right, hes pushed you and pulled your hair! thats abuse he dumps baby on anyone who will have her, his family need to show respect you dont need all this bitching, does he pay maintinance for the child as if he does he has a right to see the baby! but the best thing to do seek legal advice they will be able to help you better than we can on here
  • hi babe your not being at all unreasonable or selfish.i know i cant exactly talk when i still love oh after all he done, but in this situation your standing up fo your daughters safety!
    i just find it amazing how on earth he could think he is the better parent when he getting arrested for fighting the night before he supposed to take his daughter.All you are doin is trying to stop seeing your little girl from being heartbroken.mother nature obviously.
    As for the whole court thing, let him on, what have you got to worried about? you havent done anything to hurt your daughter your just rtying to protect her. if it went to court they would see his true colours, and if anything in his favour at all would only allow custody on the basis of supervised visits by a councilor for a maximum of 4hours a week.
  • He take you to court? haha dont make me laugh! He wouldnt have a leg to stand on! I think you have been more then reasonable and given him plenty of chances. He obviously doesnt know how to be a responsible parent from what youve just said. You have to put rhiannas safety first and if he cant look afterher properly or be bothered to turn up on time why should he have the rights to have her? i think you definately should stick your ground and him saying he take you to court? He probably wouldnt even be able to get to court on time for over sleeping! I think its just him trying to worry you with threats but i doubt he would very much. Youll be fine hun just keep ya head up!!
  • well he never even saw a solicitor.
    after 4 weeks and him realising i meant it by me seeing a solicitor...he came to see her...for a whole hour, then said he had to go to football training...thats always his excuse to leave!!!
    he sees her once every 7-10 days now but only for between 1 and 3 hours then makes his excuses to leave.
    he only threatened court to try and scare me into letting him take her. when he realised it hadn't worked, he's tried getting to me by saying how many people he's slept with since we split up....apparently there's been so many he's lost count...and 3 in 1 week!!! he's gotta do better than that to get to me...and at least make it believeable!!!!! lol
    i'm just so glad to be out of his twisted family (his mums engaged to her cousin and his uncles due in court for possession of drugs and a gun...then biting a police officer!!), shame rhiannas still gotta be a part of it.
  • Sounds like you are best way out of it then! Jaydens dad only sees jayden for about an hour and saturday because he works 7am-6pm every day (thats his choice i may add! his working hours are actually 8-4!) Like you his dad always makes excuses to leave usually it being "im hungry, going to go do me dinner!" Sometimes I wish I could take some maternal instinct, bottle it up and shove it down his gob to make him actually care!!
  • i end up feeding darren half the soon as he walks in he looks in the fridge...cheeky arsehole...but at least that way he spends more time with rhianna and i have more time to myself.
    i just wish that when we split i never had to see him again and thats it...but as we have rhianna (and i would never change that for the world obviously) he's always gonna be a part of my life so its harder to let go and move on...its doing my head in.
    i've just met a really nice fella who is brilliant with rhianna...but he goes to canada every winter to teach snowboarding so don't wanna get to close...although i really like him, so i don't know what to do coz i don't want it to end in tears when he has to leave for 5-6 months. :\?
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