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Violent ex? What would you do?

Hi, i have two boys ages 4 and 2. I split with their dad early last year and since then he has seen the boys as and when it pleased him. He was quite violent during our relationship but i never told anyone (too scared/stupid) then a few weeks ago we had a row over money and him seeing the kids (i'd hadn't received a penny in over 6months) he ending up punching me in front of our 2yr old then walked out & i called the police as soon as he left. He admitted it and got 4wks in prison which is over in about 10 days. I've had enough of him i really have. I don't want anything more to do with him or his family (who have been sending me nasty messages coz i "put him in prison" I just want your opinions & thoughts on what you would do? Its so easy to say to cut him out of our lives but is that fair on my boys? I feel so guilty for them? Thanks in advance for any responses. And sorry for this being so long!

[Modified by: Mum0f2 on 29 November 2008 22:05:20 ]


  • [Modified by: Mum0f2 on November 29, 2008 10:05 PM]

  • Hi I totally understand where you're coming from as I went through exactly the same thing with my ex.
    After we split he only saw my 4 year old,who was then nearly 2, as and when it suited him and has to this day as never paid anything for him.He even allowed me to change his surname it meant that little to him!
    When I decided to move to Spain I had to ask his permission as he was on the birth certiifcate and initally said yes. Then just before the move(I was with my current partner by this time)he changed his mind,and it took nearly 6 months in court before I was given permission to leave. I know he was only doing it to show some form of control over me,still even after we had split. A contact order was drawn up but he has not stuck to it. Not paying,not calling,not visiting,not sending presents at xmas or bdays.
    So having played by the rules for so long I decided enough was enough and I wouldnt bend over backwards to accomodate him. When we visited family at the beginning of the summer and he caught wind of it and called to see him I said no. For the first time ever after nearly 3 years. And you know what after going mad and threatening me with court he hasnt even bothered to call him since.
    So in response to your post I gave my ex chance after chance and he let my son down every single time. He has called my partner daddy for so long he doesnt ask after his bio father. I truly believe he is better off not knowing him but I never say bad things about my ex infront of him and hes growing up knowing that he has two daddys. I HATE my ex for what he put me through but I try to not let it cloud my judgment when it comes to my son and Im hoping that when he grows up he????ll know that I did everything the right way in order for his dad to keep in touch but that it was his choice not too.
    Phew sorry for essay!x
  • Hi,

    Just a different point of view, I saw my dad be violent to my mum from when I was quite small. I was frightened of him but would always act as though everything was ok as not to upset him. My mum stayed with him as she was frightened and had no where for us to go. It carried on until I was a teenager and felt I was able to step in. And so he turned on me. He was eventually sent to prison but the damage was already done. I suffered alot with nightmares and really began to resent my mum for not taking us away from him. I havn't had anything to do with him for a long time but my younger sister still sees him on occasions and he now plays the mind/control games with her.

    Your kids are younger than my sister and I were but Someone with those issues dosn't just get over them overnight and the more abuse, wether phyisical or mental your kids see the more they will be affcted.
    When they are older they may want to make contact with him, and I suppose you would have to support them, but by taking them away from him and his hateful family now you are only protecting them!!!!

    Follow your instincts and your heart.

    Sorry this is a long reply but I feel really strongly about these issues.

    Good luck and be confident that you will make the right decision for your family!!!

    Naomi xx
  • Thank you both for your replies. My problem is he does still want to see them, its just when it suits him! He wouldnt let me change their surname so he is still bothered but i know he's not a good role model and not a good father so i don't want him around. I don't know if he would take me to court over it? But if he did i'm guessing he might get supervised visits or something? I know i wouldn't have to see him but i do want him away from them, it that really selfish? Naomi, i'm sorry for what you had to
  • ..go through. Thanks for sharing, it's good to hear from the child's point of view. I do worry that because they're boys maybe they will need him more? Especially when they are older?

    [Modified by: Mum0f2 on September 04, 2008 10:37 PM]

  • You can tell the boys when there older what he did cut not in ton much detail and they can make there own minds up but 1 day they will see what youve done for them and see its for there sake and thank you for it
  • Hi just to add my bit..i agree with everything mumof2inspain said,ppl like that do not change and the fact he hit you in front of your 2yr old even now when you are no longer with him shows you that!its disgusting,i believe that if you let him keep messing about only seeing his children when he can be bothered and abusing you so openly then he will carry on and quite frankly this is not a good example to your every case it says that when violence is an issue then this is when the courts consider not letting the dad see the children!!!!!!!
    Im not saying this is what you should do but for now i would get in touch with your ex by letter,email,whatever and say after recent events you dont want him to see the children,when they are older they may want to see him,or maybe things will have improved,but i doubt they will want to.
    My ex was violent and i never pressed charges,i even had his dad say i should not get the police involved so basically his own father was saying it was ok for his son to do this!
    My ex doesnt pay anything for his son,sees him at his parents house once a week,but if it wasnt for his parents collecting and bringing Ben back and the fact he lives with his parents anyway i really doubt he would bother...had alot of rows about him not paying,not seeming interested(goes pub when meant to be seeing his son)and nothing changes,he just gets childish and threatens to take me to court!im sick of letting him carry on in this manner and after Xmas im considering letting him take me to court if thats what he wants...but i also know he never will!just want him to accept his responability
    Another thing,since we spilt over 15mths ago,i havent seen him or spoke to him,its all done via email...but i know i wouldnt trust him when he loses his temper and has crazy as this sounds even now if i hear a noise outside in the night i get tense(he broke in once whilst i was asleep and attacked me!)
    Men like this dont change and all seem to use mind games and threats as a way to get their own way!lets not stand for it anymore!
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