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Would you tell his family?

I had my baby on Tuesday, I'm not with her dad, we never were in a relationship, I told him I was pregnant early on and at first he said he wanted to be involved but then stopped replying to me around the 20 week mark.
I still have him in my phone contacts so I sent him a couple of pictures and her name, date & time of birth & birth weight, he's seen them but not responded.

I really don't care, that's his choice and he's the only one missing out.

Thing is, he has two sisters(and a brother), one sister in particular seems really nice (I found her on facebook) she's a semi-professional musician, I know she doesn't know anything about us, I want to tell her she has a niece. If it were me I would want to know. But then I don't want to cause any drama.

Would you message her/tell her, or leave it alone?


  • If it is important to you that your child knows both sides of her parents i would message who ever you would like from his have to think long term here...when your daughter brings home family tree school assignments, asks about her grandparents, what will you tell her? Its not your daughters fault she has a father that doesn't want to be involved, but, don't let that stop her from knowing her aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents!

  • If you tell your daughter's aunt that she has a new family member, you are bringing her good news. If she thinks a new family member is bad news, there isn't much you can do to convince her otherwise.

    Since you say this nice sister doesn't know, it shouldn't be dramatic to make a polite birth announcement to her. Since the situation with your daughter's dad is a little less than enthusiastic, it might be safer for you to be extra polite in your birth announcement. Perhaps with a small gift of candy etc to go with any announcement you mail, to share the happiness.

    If someone receives a gift and responds by breaking social contact with the bearer of good news and gifts, then, it will not be you who has been dramatic.

  • I would tell her, if it were me I would want to know. I would send her a message alongside a couple of pictures and leave the door open. I wouldn't expect an immediate reaction it may take a while before she re establishes contact but it will be worth it. Good luck

  • Well, it is a very delicate matter. If he doesn´t want to be involved in daughter´s life, then he doesn´t want to. What you want to achieve with contacting his family? He will accuse you of interferring in his family without his consent. It will cause problems. If you really want to contact his family, you have to tell him first. You should message him or call him, you have to be sure he knows. If he still ignores, then you can do it and contact his family. But, think twice before you do it. His family could accuse you how you are looking for money for the baby, they could interpret it like that, you don´t know those people either.

  • Hmmm... this is a difficult one. Logically yes - I think any one would like to know they have a new niece or nephew. However, your baby's daddy clearly hasn't told his family and (whilst I don't agree with his decision!!) that was his decision to make! I think that if you go behind his back to his family, who you don't know and haven't met, then it will look like you are trying to get a reaction from him (whether you are or not!!) 

    You say his sister 'seems nice' from Facebook - but you don't actually know her and you aren't sure how she will react, or how the rest of the family will react. If you don't get the happy reaction your hoping for I think you'll be disappointed. Also, if your baby's daddy doesn't want to know, what makes you think his family Will? 

    I'm not saying don't say anything, just that I think it's important that you consider this in a lot of detail before doing anything. Good luck xx

  • I would tell them, she is their family afterall. My sister was in the same situation, she told them, offered to meet up for coffee when she was in the same city as them, sent them photos of her son, etc. She wanted them to have the opportunity to know him if they wanted but never asked for or expected anything from them. He’s 11 now, his Dad has met him twice, the grandparents send him birthday and xmas cards and in return my sister sends them photos and a summary of what is happening in his life. They have often thanked my sister for sharing her sons life with them even though his Dad made poor choices which they themselves were ashamed of. 

  • I don't have any advice unfortunately however I'm in a similar situation.

    Im suffering with postnatal depression and my daughter not knowing her father has really been playing on my mind. Anyway, I contacted him yet again, to no avail. So, I  stupidly messaged his wife (btw, I never knew he was married. We had a one night stand, he said he was single). Turns out he never told his wife, so of course i am the homewrecker. She really laid in to me, called me every name under the sun, and he tried to make out I was lying and was nasty too.

    Just be careful and don't make any rash decisions. I so regret contacting them but at least I can tell my daughter as she gets older that i tried x

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