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Hi all, just wanted a bit of advice on my situation with my sons father. 
I was diagnosed with PND after my son was born, he was about 6 months old at the time though I knew I was depressed from around 2 months. I believe a massive factor to the depression was how little help I would get from my sons dad, he would go to the pub every night, never tell me what he was doing, talk to me very disrespectfully and not do much around the house. We were living with my mother at the time so he had no bills to pay and all his money went behind the bar.
I left him when my son was 8MO, dad barely tried to stay in contact and would go months between visits, be very short and blunt with me when I'd try to discuss anything about our son and paid very small amounts sporadically (he ignored cms as he's self employed was very difficult for them to track down).
Son and I were homeless for around 8 months, we lived in a mother baby unit and have now got our forever home and have been here 4 months. During these months of homelessness I was extremelyyy depressed and borderline suicidal, no contact or support from anyone and living miles from anything we knew. If it weren't for my son and the fact that nobody else was there to care for him, I'm almost certain that I wouldn't be here right now.
Once we'd moved into new home my ex hadn't seen our son for 4 months and I finally told him that he can't be involved because his lack of consistency was inappropriate and unstable. He desperately tried to make me change my mind (which was a shock for me as he'd never been too interested before). I gave him one last chance to be consistent and involved, we ended up back together because of this.
I don't want to sound ungrateful because all I ever wanted is to have a complete family living in one household, but I just can't get past the resentment. No matter how hard I try.
Every time I look at him I see the man who destroyed me and left me alone with our child. He never has taken full responsibility for what he has done, he's always basically said "yeah I'm sorry I should have been there for both of you but it's in the past now and I don't want to talk about it again".
He gets very offended by my friends or family not being 100% okay with him, they're all incredibly supportive and will be perfectly fine when they're with him but they don't respect him, because of how they saw him treat his family. He doesn't understand that he has to earn that trust and respect back, he thinks "well I'm here now so you should respect me, otherwise you're being spiteful because of the past".
Am I wrong to hold onto how I feel, I can't help it, I've really tried to get on with him but I just can't get past it, I went from outgoing and vibrant to a shell of my former self, depressed, anxious, dispared, couldn't leave the house or even look at myself in the mirror. Then I overcame the darkest grip of my depression, I have up and down days but for the most part I am much more emotionally stable.
I brought myself out of that hole, I put myself back together, do I let him just walk back into my life now and pretend nothing happened?
PS, our son will always have an open door to a relationship with his father, my question is more aimed at my being in a relationship with my ex and basically having the family unit I always wanted but feeling depressed and wasted for it.
Happy and alone or unhappy and together? 
Thanks for reading, I know it's stupidly long and I only covered half the story haha! 
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