Controlling 6 year old

Anna91 · May 8, 2019 9:57AM

Hi I'm looking for some advice or just to hear I'm not the only person going through this, my 6 year old even from as early as 1.5 years has had very controlling behaviour, for example when she was a toddler she'd stand by her beaker but tantrum for me to hand it to her even tho she can reach. This sort of behaviour has just consistently continued no matter how hard I try and not give in, it's sucking the life out of parenthood for me, I'm trying to keep my head up and be a happy mum but my daughter treats me as she hates me. This is some of the behaviour she does now: screaming at me and even grabbing my arms tight not letting go after she's had warnings and chances to behave. She tells me ive said something even when I haven't and will not back down after I say you must of misheard me I didn't say that. She undermines me and never believes anything I say (anything anyone says other than me or my husband is right and I'm wrong in her mind) so teaching her things is like she's fighting a battle against me, she never seems sincere either like she doesn't drop the act and just be an innocent child she'll ruin a nice time we're having by scrutinising something I say or talking to me in a fake manner. I can be telling her to do something and she'll ignore me but say I love you In like a patronising way to make a point that she's not listening, talking over me deliberately alot is another one. Asking her to do the most simple reasonable tasks always starts with her ignoring me saying no and even laughing sometimes and what I don't understand is she always gets punished when she's naughty, I'll put her in time out, conviscate something etc after using a 2 strike system and I've had this going for years, I've done reward charts and they haven't seemed to help, not with the way she speaks to me anyway, I've always been quite stern, I don't back down I'll always make sure the punishment happens, I'm just so confused with where I'm going wrong? Her dad was controlling and abusive and had obsessive behaviour this is why I separated from him (his family were the same also) and it breaks my heart to see that she's like him with alot of things. She comes back home and tells me comments her dads made and obviously I understand the stuff he's said is undermining me as a parent or manipulating her, I've called him up on this before but he doesn't give a crap what I have to say and just argues with me, however—she has made up lies before to pit me and dad against each other so I just let it go over my head and don't even react anymore. I'm pregnant atm and all I keep thinking is i can finally have a child that likes me and won't be so hard to raise because its genetically related to my husband who's the opposite to my ex, he's quiet and kind and never even raises a voice to me, thinking like this just makes me feel even more guilty and like a shit mum because I think I shouldn't of failed in the first place with my daughter. There's alot more complicated behaviour to the story but this is just some examples of how she is on a daily basis. I'd rather my child just be naughty rather than the controlling behaviour. I'm forever telling myself it's a phase she'll get better as she gets older and that time comes and nothings better 😂 I'm sorry for the long winded post!

Rachel158 · May 8, 2019 3:45PM

So sorry to here your child treat you that way how is she at school ? Sounds like asd my daughter was awfull to me used to swear be rude in with other children hit me kick off smash uo stuff it got worse really bad her dad was like it too nasty she ended up getting diagnosed with adhd and asd she got help from therapy aswell she so diffrent now still has few issues i had other children aswell they copied her behaviour treated me exactly the same 😢 have u got any help from family or friends hope ur doing ok xx

Anna91 · May 8, 2019 5:04PM

Hi @Rachel158, I've been told at school before she gets distracted and doesn't always listen to commands but that was over a year ago now and the teachers seemed to be quite pleased with her at school now, i feel like she only really acts like this with me. Yeah I'm starting to think she may have some sort of attention disorder or maybe even ocd, oh no that sounds awful, how old was your daughter before she was diagnosed? That's what I'm worried about with the baby that she'll copy the behaviour. Not really as I've moved towns so it's more effort than it's worth to travel for help, I'm doing okay thank you, I have days where it really affects me and gets me down but I'm just hoping it'll all get better some day, that's good to hear that your daughter is better for you now xx

Rachel158 · May 8, 2019 5:22PM

My daughter was diagnosed late aswell at 7/8 and my son was really good at school they all had trates of it it dont sound bad atall its flipping hard i had 9 with my previous it was a nightmare were bouts do u live is there any places around you can ask or go drs with her and ask for a refferal for behavioural they may say its her past thats set her of ur ex partner being the way he is he needs to work with u and talk and help with issues tell him its not for you its fir ur daughter my daughter has a play therapist too she can talk bout how she feels do it through fun play its confidential too how far are you in ur pregnancy im 25 weeks and i had stress with my other pregnancys it does take its toll on it i had 2 premies at 32 weeks and 34 weeks high risk of it happening again but they were fine u need to know what is causing her to be like it so u can do diffrent statagies to calm her down have you tried to spend one on one special time were its all about her u can gradually talk calm and talk bout things and find out triggers even if u get some or make some emotion cards ask what makes u happy what makes u sad cry angry so on n so on write it down try storys that connects with her like a book were theres a naughty child ask her what she thinks bout it she can see whats right or wrong theres loads sorry i could go on and on lol xx

Anna91 · May 8, 2019 5:38PM

I have felt like seeing someone about her behaviour for years now but then I feel guilty taking her like she'll wonder what's wrong with her, I know I will have to at some point really. Its hard to talk to him because he just jokes about her behaviour like its just funny naughty behaviour he doesn't actually understand fully because he's like it himself so he just doesn't see it as a problem if u know what I mean. I'm 17 weeks atm and im just mentally drained and exhausted from it, I find myself sitting in my room just to recharge from it, oh no sorry to hear that that must be so scary to keep going through. No I haven't tried that that's a really good idea, I've always sort of avoided speaking about the behaviour when it's happening so I don't trigger her but speaking about it when she's calm I will definitely try and the book thing I never thought of that, she loves books aswell, thanks for your help xx

Rachel158 · May 8, 2019 5:41PM

Yeh i bet u are tired if u want to talk more im her anytime xx

Anna91 · May 8, 2019 5:48PM

Thanks @Rachel158 ☺️xx

Controlling 6 year old

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