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Why do I feel like this?

Ok, this may turn out to be a long post but I feel like it may help if I write things down. You don't have to reply.

Forr as long as I can remember I've always wanted children and use to nag my husband about starting a family all the time. His response was as soon as we're married we can try. We got married in Sept 2007 and the following month I was pregnant. Initially, I was really pleased, but if I'm truely honest I hated being pregnant. I felt so ashamed throughout my pregnant for feeling like this and disappointed that I had wanted it so much but wasn't enjoying it. I had really bad sickness that lasted for 16 weeks then at 17weeks was diagnosed with SPD. I had lots of time off work because I was in pain and felt guilty for this as I wasn't actually ill just couldn't walk!!!!!

Anyway, I just kept thinking as soon as my little girl was born everything would be different, but it wasn't. I really struggled to bond with her and didn't get that initial overbearing love for her (I do now). All she seemed to do was cry. The doctors insisted in was colic but at 17weeks when she was still screaming all day they changed her milk to nutramigen and said she had a milk intolerance but would grow out of it. This helped a bit, but she still seemed to get terribly upset. My husband then worked away so I was on my own with her baby who just wouldn't stop crying. Whenever, we went anywhere it felt like it was only my baby who who would cry. As a result, I would do anything so she didn't cry and is probably the reason why at 16mths she still isn't walking, because she knows I do eveything for her.

I get really anxious whenever she cries, and am constantly putting myself down as worrying that she isn't developing at the correct rate. I blame myself for her not reaching milestones.

When she was a tiny baby, PND was mentioned, and looking back I probably did suffer from it, but at the time I remember thinking I can't have PND - how am I suppose to go to counselling when I have a baby to look after? I couldn't tell my mum and ask for help as I knew she just wouldn't understand and tell me to pull myself together so when the health visitor asked me to complete a questionaire I lied.

She's now 16mths and thinks are much better, but I'm not sure I could go through it again. I still find myself getting anxious when she gets upset. My husband is desperate for us to start ttc, but if I'm honest I'm really scared that i'll hat being pregnant again and have these feelings when baby is born. This upsts me as I always thought I'd have at least 2 children, maybe 3 or 4.

My hubby says things are different now as he doesn't work away from home, so would be home to help and we would recognise the symptoms of silent reflux if another suffered from this (she was finally diagnosed with this at 6mths) but I'm not convinced.

Part of me doesn't want another, but another part of me thinks I'm being selfish for not giving my little girl a brother or sister, when the experience could be entirely different.

I know ultimately it has to my decision but I just wondered if any of you ladies had experienced similar things.


  • Oh hun, I am so sorry it's been such rough journey into motherhood. I haven't had the exact same situation, but I can relate. My first cried non stop all day everyday, she really didn't sleep. Every doctor passed me off as a first time mum, just a pain in their backside. Somedays, I really did feel suicidal. It was awful. I fell pregnant with number two, when dd1 was 10 months old and was terrified. I never thought I'd cope, I stressed so much. At 7 months pregnant, I was still only getting a few hours sleep and my poor daughter was crying still all the time. Finally I was sent to a neurologist who diagnosed my daughter with epilepsy and that she doesn't actually produce the melatonin she needed to sleep. Putting her on that was a miracle. Dd1 slept for 14 hours the very first night. Poor girl hadn't really ever slept in her life, bless her she was as exhausted as me. Dd2 was born and she was her own unique person. So easy going and slept well from the start, thank goodness I would have been a mess otherwise, but really the first and second experiences were like night and day.
    Also having two is genuinely easier than having one. All that entertaining you do for the first, well you are completely ignored and retired by baby number two as they have eyes only for your older daughter. I found dd2 was absolutely enraptured with everything dd1 did, and would just watch her in awe for hours. Dd1 blossomed with her new biggest fan, and really wanted to do anything to impress her baby sister. Now they are 3 and 5 and they are inseparable. They play so well, and life with the two of them is not a tenth as hard as I believe it would have been with just one. Saying that here I am pregnant with number four. It has gotten easier and easier, and they grow together so well, they really do nourish each other in a way I'm not sure I can. They love having a partner in crime, or a little band to play bang the pot lids together.

    I am very biased I appreciate, but I would encourage you to consider it if that is what you want.

  • Aw hun, I really feel for you, you've had a rough time.

    First of all, don't blame yourself if your lo isn't doing what she 'should'. I know it's a cliche but really they do all learn at their own pace, and she will soon catch up. I do believe that you are a good mum, the fact that you care about these issues shows that you want the best for your lo.

    I didn't hate being pregnant but I was so bewildered having a newborn and I hated it. Lily would just cry so so much and slept for very little time at night. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I felt frantic and anxious and just overwhelmed. In time it eased off but I fell pregnant again when lo was only 3 months old. I was fine after having Evie, and she was totally different to her sister. From birth she pretty much fed and slept all through the day and night. So it wasn't as hard as I'd feared. However, when Evie was about 5 or 6 months I felt depressed again and this time I asked for help.

    Anyway, to cut a long story short I'm now having counselling which is really helping. I haven't yet talked about how I feel as a mum, but when I do I know my counsellor will be able to help me. Maybe you could look into it? It would probably help you no end to get it all out, and also to have someone tell you that you weren't wrong to feel that way.

    Good luck hun, and though it's up to you and hubby, it might be wise to wait a while before ttc, just to give you time to get your head around things.
  • Hi,
    I have experienced very similar (except my OH didnt work away and, looking back, DD was pretty good when it came to eating/sleeping/etc).
    She didnt walk till she was 16 months - but when she did she was extremely steady on her feet from the start.
    I was sick and off work from week 2 of pregnancy till the end - constant motion sickness, vertigo, acid stomach and throwing up nightly.
    We too would like another (in theory!) and I am terrified of being the same again while pregnant and then seeming to take almost 2 years to have days that feel more normal than not. I am also quite old (boo-hoo!) and feel that I am running out of time to make the decision.
    I often think that surely the anxiety we feel first time cant be the same the 2nd time and I am grateful to hedgie for pointing out that 2 is easier than 1 as they will amuse each other from very early on.
    I find it helpful to go over what we would do if I was as sick again and had to look after a toddler as well and I think I would demand help at the outset from the GP & HV's as I found that as time went on and the better I felt the less anxious with crying I was.
    And - if anyone ever says pregnancy is not an illness - I beg to differ. For those who have problems the effects are very real and long lasting!
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