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Anyone been through the same - contact order
Some of you may be aware of what we have gone through in the past year, however for the last 6 months ex has been trying to get me to agree to him taking Luke out for the day away from me. As I won't let him he is taking me to court next month for a contact order.
As anyone else been through this, if so what happens, in Luke short 1 year ex has probably only seen him about 15 times at max and he did not see him for 23 weeks from March till end of August, his choice he said he did not want to see me, he only came then and for the last few weeks to show that he is the big man and bring Luke stupid birthday presents
I am dreading them saying that Luke can go with his dad especially as I am still bf him and ex says oh he can have a bottle, also Luke is very clingly at the moment. I can't bear the thought of ex taking Luke back to his flat and they play happy families with his women..
[Modified by: rebecca1975 on 18 September 2010 20:03:43 ]
As anyone else been through this, if so what happens, in Luke short 1 year ex has probably only seen him about 15 times at max and he did not see him for 23 weeks from March till end of August, his choice he said he did not want to see me, he only came then and for the last few weeks to show that he is the big man and bring Luke stupid birthday presents
I am dreading them saying that Luke can go with his dad especially as I am still bf him and ex says oh he can have a bottle, also Luke is very clingly at the moment. I can't bear the thought of ex taking Luke back to his flat and they play happy families with his women..
[Modified by: rebecca1975 on 18 September 2010 20:03:43 ]
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they might recommend supervised visits but at some point they will allow him access by himself if he proves hes good with him and able to handle him xx
As his father he will have rights of access - but not necessarily for the whole day. Do you have access to a solicitor?
You need to write a list as accurate as possible of all the times he has seen Luke - especially note the long absences. The fact that you are still bf'ing works in your favour - tell the court you haven't bf this long to give him a bottle of formula now! It could upset his tummy, and what about you? Suppose you can't express - you'd be left in pain from engorged breasts all day and it could affect your supply. Make a list of all the things you put in your post - Luke being very clingy, and not used to anyone else looking after him. The fact that he is not familiar to Luke.
I have heard of mums stipulating that yes, the father can have access, but not the 'new girlfriend' - as this could cause confusion to Luke. The new girlfriend has no rights of access! I think you may be able to ask for supervised visits as well.
All you can do is state your case hun, and try and get the visitation rights as limited as possible.
Good luck xx
His latest classic remark after looking at the photos I have he said 'You don't even have any photos of me, to show or tell Luke who I am' As if i'd still have photo's of us on display, so I said to him and you have photo's on your wall of me then do you.
I can't believe I fell for this pathic excuse of a man especially as in the beginning I hated him.
[Modified by: rebecca1975 on September 18, 2010 08:32 PM]
[Modified by: rebecca1975 on September 18, 2010 08:33 PM]
I also wont let him take LO out of my sight. She is 11 mnths and despite numerous times of me asking him to when we were together, he has never changed her nappy as he says the smell makes him feel sick, has never finished a full feed as always something more important to be done, has barely provided for her - when he has, it has only been after arguments from him saying the cost of nappies/milk etc is too high for him, stole money from my bank account and when he finally owned up said it was because he owed a mate and knew if he asked me for the money I would say no as it was needed for house bills.. Could type all night and still not manage to list everything!! Its all listed in my posts on Support though. However, will say it ended in me having to get police involved as his temper and behaviour got threatening and very scary.
My ex's latest was to come on first organised visit last week, ask to change days and times and then ended with the toy he bought for LO (first toy he has ever bought her!!) being taken with him when he went home! The contact in our case has been set as 1 hour per week on a sunday, with my mum present to stop him kicking off at me.
I'll tell you what my solicitors, Sure Start Outreach Workers, Health Visitor and a CAFCASS rep have told me:
- Yes, the dad has a right to see his child but this has to be balanced with what is in the best interests of the child.
- Supporting the child financially and having contact with the child do not go hand in hand.
- The best interests of the child, including LO's feeding and sleeping routine, will always come above what is best for either parent. However, your feelings as main caregiver will be taken into account.
- Lack of previous support and/or contact from the non-resident parent will always work in your favour as the childs main caregiver as this is taken into account when looking into contact.
- Now 'official' parties are involved, direct any conversation other than the most basic "How is LO?" questions through those parties. Don't rise to any name-calling, attempts to start arguments, just end the call/visit and inform the solicitors asap.
- Don't feel backed into a corner by threats of court or legal action, leading to you agreeing to something you are not happy with.
Try not to worry hun, I know its easier said than done as I was in a total state a couple of weeks ago. I was constantly worrying about what lies ex would tell to get his own way, which he did try but then panicked when he saw them in black and white in his solicitor's letters. his solicitor quite clearly saw through his lies and I'm sure your ex's solicitor will too if he tries it on. Solicitors and any judge will want solid reasons as to why there was no contact for so long and him saying he just didnt want to see you won't wash. My ex has said he didn't see LO quite a few times as he could not stand to see me and his solicitor told mine that ex had been advised he needed to "show a great deal more maturity and learn that he needs to put his feelings towards me aside and make the effort to visit his LO if she is so important to him"
Please update to let us know you are getting on ok. If you want to chat, feel free to PM me xx
[Modified by: JennyLG on September 18, 2010 09:48 PM]
[Modified by: JennyLG on September 18, 2010 10:14 PM]
I'm sure your solicitor has explained it all to you but here goes. Basically the Court take the view that a child has the right to have contact with both parents unless there is a VERY good reason why not. This is literally 5% of cases where there has been very very serious child protection issues.
Can I ask what type of contact you ex has had when he has turned up? Has it always been at yours or has he taken Luke away for a few hours and returned him home. If it's the latter it will be hard to convince a Court why this shouldn't contine to happen.
Keeping a diary is a very good idea and handy in case you need to make a statement later on. I think the key issue here is his committment to his son and that he needs to rebuild your trust. The only way he can do this is by having contact and if he messes up by not bothering to turn up this can be reported to the Court.
If he hasn't seen Luke in a while it's only sensible that he is reintroduced at a pace suitable to Luke which takes into account his feeds. If there hasn't been contact in a while there should be someone there who is familiar to Luke if your ex is a virtual stranger.
Supervised contact in the medium term is generally only appropriate where there are issues surrounding domestic violence/drugs etc.
I would advise you to go into Court with a view to what you would be prepared to offer so there is something to negotiate with. If you go in with a blanket no to contact without there being very serious reasons why (not saying you would) there is every a Court will make a contact order in his favour. I always think it's important for you to have some control over the agreement made rather than having something enforced on you.
1st hearing usually befored a court clerk (who is a solicitor) and a cafcass officer. They DO NOT act as a solicitor for the child. They are very experienced social workers who are there to keep discussions child focused rather than people getting side tracked with their own issues regarding the relationship breakdown.
Really hope it works out for you and Luke. I know it's totally infuriating having to deal with someone you can't stand but your solicitor is there to try and take a little bit of stress from you x x
Hi Rebecca I'm going through similar situation as you. My ex has filed a contact order, I was hoping to get your opinion on what happened in the end?