Really thought I was prepared for this
You know when you really convince yourself that you are fine with something all reasonable and balanced glass half full Blah blah
Like you are quite confident that you have failed an exam and say this to everyone and are really accepting about it. Then when you get the results and its like a slap in the face
We have known for a long time that we might not be able to conceive. Please believe me that these are SO much less than other peoples problems but its just right at the moment this is on top of me. Generally I am really balanced and just thankful I have my wonderful husband, family etc
Spent so much time saying how we would travel to Russia and Cambodia if we couldn't have kids and just try to be positive. I darn nearly convicned myself!!!!!
I have PCOS and several ops for tumour on ovary - back again but it is benign - see am lucky in some ways
Had a op in May then got infection followed by massive hemorrhage. Lost so much blood am severly anaemic and we cant TTC this has taken months off our campaign. Past surgery has left me with some potential tube damage. Have to have the tube dye procedure to check lump size and whether my tubes are blocked. But argh can't have those until I have healed up a bit. Feel like its one step forward five back
Anyway my point is - sorry took a while
Got hubbies tests and they are no good low count abnormal morphology and its not boderline............. feeling so sad. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of his expression if we are playing with godchildren etc. I see him smiling and its like a flash or a shadow of the father we both so desperately want him to be
That means IVF for us I am 39 this year. We SOOOOOO don't have any money, I can't even borrow it.
AND REALLY BIG RANT puffs out chest and goes slightly red our healthcare trust only accept you if you are between 35 and 36 - such a big window of opportunity. We are the right age etc etc and fit all criteria believe me I have checked and have no children.
How then to two drug addicts in scotland had THREE cycles of Ivf and got pregnant on the last giving birth to a baby addicted to heroin - weaned on to morphine. Post code lottery. :x
PMA is pants today
Thanks so much for reading this moaning ramble about the length of war and peace