I am also g/c but have read with interest and wanted a voice My son took 3yrs ttc and it was devestating, we'd almost given up hope. My baby girl took 18months and although it was hard seeing a bfn I was expecting it to take a long time because it did first time around. It still hurt like hell though.???? However my baby girl sadly died in the womb at 20weeks and i can honestly say my need to be pregnant was a million times greater than with either before. I was petrified something was wrong with me, I'd killed my baby and my son would never have a sibling for when my time was up. I feel robbed even now. I was literally sick with dread of seeing a bfn and a real state. I was very lucky and got my bfp first cycle since giving birth to her and I pray everyday that this one will play on earth with us. I know it has helped and I have been blessed to have my beautiful boy already but to want a child is more than just 'collecting' I will always be lucky for what I have but I will always want a large family, now more than ever! ????
Have you thought perhaps your friend said that because she would feel like she was rubbing it in if she had gone on about her ttc woes. She might really be like that but I'd imagine in the minority. I would like to say noone ever truley knows what goes on behind closed doors whether you think you do, or not. I know from the outside looking in people may well think we have it easy but that's only because I don't go out with printed tshirts telling the world my lifes problems. I don't know how this comes accross in text but promise I'm not ranting
Hello Tink, glad you asked this question. My oh and I always planned up to 3 kids and maybe more including adoption if we can comfortable afford to. Our daughter now 14 months took 7 months of trying, and I recently had a chemical mc (although accident pregnancy). The mc hurt so much as I don't want our girl to be an only child and every pregnancy is different and treasured. I'm really praying I can have another one as my bio clock won't leave me alone and is all I think about lol!
Tink, I hope you don't mind me replying - I dip into TTC every now and then as we are contemplating no.4. I've 2 boys and a girl. I think maybe I could explain if I was in a coffee shop, face to face with you. I will try to explain here - hope it comes across ok - it is my experience:
TTC no.1 took 8mths during which my hubby said I went a bit crazy. I was desperately impatient for to be pregnant. I wanted a baby - but my main concern was getting PREGNANT. I imagined maternity clothes, scans, boy or girl etc.
When I had ds1 I felt like I was the luckiest person earth - couldn't believe I hadn't had a baby earlier. He was my world and I couldn't believe I could love something so much.
Once I had had baby 1, my mind turned to planning 'my family' rather than just 'a baby'. I became desperate for no.2, and started obsessing that somehow baby no1 had left me unable to get preg again, and (no offence to anyone) I really didn't want an only child. I was lucky, I got preg with ds2 straight away and had another boy.
I was thrilled with my 2 little boys - but my family plan was at least 3 children. So no.3 - well of course I became obsessed with having a girl. I took 8mths to conceive baby3 - started obsessing about being too old (was 37) maybe I would never get my yearned for 3rd baby?
I was soooo lucky - I got my little girl and now I am relaxed - I have the family I dreamed of.
I so understand what you are saying - you are looking for MOTHERHOOD, a baby. Anyone with a baby is surely sooo blessed - they cannot possibly be as desperate as you. You maybe right - if I cast my mind back to the fear of being childless - it is the worst fear of all.
All I can try and get across to you is that people can be just as desperate for the next one - but in a different way. I cannot tell you the fear i had of ds1 being an only child - I wanted brothers and sisters for him.
However, I do actually agree that the want of a first baby is the most painful want of all. But just remember that secondary infertility does exist, and these mothers feel every bit as desperate!
Don't know if I have made any sense - I think it is a very interesting point for discussion and I don't think your OP came across badly at all. I hope my post has come across as I meant it - kindly, but trying to offer you an explanation.
Thanks for all the replies. Like i said no one knows i am TTC as i didn't want the sympathy if it took so long which it has, plus i didnt want the lectures from my parents etc My friend doesn't know i am TTC so maybe she really does feel that way. I was thinking about this post on my drive home last night and i managed to put my question into words that made sense but i have forgotten them now It is nice to see what people have to say as it is something i have been wondering for a while, thank you all so much for not turning this into a rant
Tink I don't think anybody would have thought you were being anything other than curious until you kept on saying how hard it was to ask etc... I don't get the big drama? You're a first time TTCer and wondering if it feels the same in subsequent attempts... how is that offensive? For me yes it has been just as stressful each time and I am on no3 now (but had 4 early mc before the first) but we're all different eh?
hun. i think you came across fine, just curious. although when it comes to your friend i would say that thats maybe not quite how she feels. when you have a lo already all you get from people is when your going to have your next ( although i had same with my first coz we were married for a few years before we tried). i get it all the time and say allsorts to put people off the scent. if that makes sense.xxx
Seraphina i havent seen you in AGES!!!!!!!!! Hope the pregnancy is going well. Thanks guys, i know you werent having a go gembags i just dont want people thinking i am been judgemental or anything xx
I've been about Tink ;\) My point is that if you just asked the question without a whole paragraph of apologising nobody would think twice but because you get yourself all twisted up in 'saying the right thing' it comes across as if you ARE being judgemental but don't want people to think you are IYSWIM! Like when people say 'I do't mean to be rude but...' or 'I'm not being funny but...' yeah they are being rude and funny!!
Anyways I'm doing OK ta mustn't grumble as I AM preg and already have 2 kids so should be bloody grateful... LMAO just joshing with you hun!!
i am first time ttc - i understand exactly what u r trying to say!!!
This is not totally related - but - my friend is 2 years younger than me - she has a 2 yr old (almost 3) and i love both of them to pieces but every so often something makes me think that she will be blessed with little 1 no. 2 before i we achieve number 1 - and for a split second i cant help but think that's selfish when she knows how much we want a little one and that we've been trying for a year. i know in reality i would be overjoyed if baby no 2 arrived for her (she's not trying by the way). i'm sure she would feel for me if this was the case LOL
i hope no one thinks bad of me for saying that but i think the green eyed monster takes over when someone else has something i want so much.
I've got news for you Princess... the green eyed monster is alive and well in ANYONE ttc - however many kids you have! I was even jealous of people having babies when I wasn't ttc. I thought no2 would be our last and was happy with that but I was STILL desperately jealous of everyone I knew having babies! I think people should be more open about these feelings. When I got my BFP I had two friends I was worried about telling... one has 4 children and would love more but her DH won't go for it as they don't have the space or finances (not that that ever stops the maternal urge!) and the second lady doesn't have any but altho she is desperately broody isn't in a position to start trying yet. Because I knew exactly how they feel I think I was sensitive to this and said 'I know how gutted you're going to be and I'm really really sorry but...' to give them the OK to say they were jealous or whatever rather than them having to smile and then go home and be sad.
Come on ladies say it loud and proud - it sucks when anyone else is pregnant and we're not!
in all fairness - firstly i should explain that we were all friends before becoming work colleagues LOL) i have told everone at work that they must not get their OH's pg and to the girls i know well - 'keep their legs crossed or wrap it up' LOL.
they all know i'm joking but have been prepared for the fact that as much as i will be over the moon for them - i will feel sadness that someone out there has decided it's not my turn yet.
Replies
My son took 3yrs ttc and it was devestating, we'd almost given up hope. My baby girl took 18months and although it was hard seeing a bfn I was expecting it to take a long time because it did first time around. It still hurt like hell though.????
However my baby girl sadly died in the womb at 20weeks and i can honestly say my need to be pregnant was a million times greater than with either before. I was petrified something was wrong with me, I'd killed my baby and my son would never have a sibling for when my time was up. I feel robbed even now. I was literally sick with dread of seeing a bfn and a real state. I was very lucky and got my bfp first cycle since giving birth to her and I pray everyday that this one will play on earth with us. I know it has helped and I have been blessed to have my beautiful boy already but to want a child is more than just 'collecting' I will always be lucky for what I have but I will always want a large family, now more than ever!
????
She might really be like that but I'd imagine in the minority.
I would like to say noone ever truley knows what goes on behind closed doors whether you think you do, or not. I know from the outside looking in people may well think we have it easy but that's only because I don't go out with printed tshirts telling the world my lifes problems.
I don't know how this comes accross in text but promise I'm not ranting
Hope we get our bfp soon
TTC no.1 took 8mths during which my hubby said I went a bit crazy. I was desperately impatient for to be pregnant. I wanted a baby - but my main concern was getting PREGNANT. I imagined maternity clothes, scans, boy or girl etc.
When I had ds1 I felt like I was the luckiest person earth - couldn't believe I hadn't had a baby earlier. He was my world and I couldn't believe I could love something so much.
Once I had had baby 1, my mind turned to planning 'my family' rather than just 'a baby'. I became desperate for no.2, and started obsessing that somehow baby no1 had left me unable to get preg again, and (no offence to anyone) I really didn't want an only child. I was lucky, I got preg with ds2 straight away and had another boy.
I was thrilled with my 2 little boys - but my family plan was at least 3 children. So no.3 - well of course I became obsessed with having a girl. I took 8mths to conceive baby3 - started obsessing about being too old (was 37) maybe I would never get my yearned for 3rd baby?
I was soooo lucky - I got my little girl and now I am relaxed - I have the family I dreamed of.
I so understand what you are saying - you are looking for MOTHERHOOD, a baby. Anyone with a baby is surely sooo blessed - they cannot possibly be as desperate as you. You maybe right - if I cast my mind back to the fear of being childless - it is the worst fear of all.
All I can try and get across to you is that people can be just as desperate for the next one - but in a different way. I cannot tell you the fear i had of ds1 being an only child - I wanted brothers and sisters for him.
However, I do actually agree that the want of a first baby is the most painful want of all. But just remember that secondary infertility does exist, and these mothers feel every bit as desperate!
Don't know if I have made any sense - I think it is a very interesting point for discussion and I don't think your OP came across badly at all. I hope my post has come across as I meant it - kindly, but trying to offer you an explanation.
I sincerely wish you your BFP soon.
mims xxx
My friend doesn't know i am TTC so maybe she really does feel that way. I was thinking about this post on my drive home last night and i managed to put my question into words that made sense but i have forgotten them now
It is nice to see what people have to say as it is something i have been wondering for a while, thank you all so much for not turning this into a rant
Tink xx
For me yes it has been just as stressful each time and I am on no3 now (but had 4 early mc before the first) but we're all different eh?
Was just telling you my bit Sorry and ((((hugs)))))
gems xx
My point is that if you just asked the question without a whole paragraph of apologising nobody would think twice but because you get yourself all twisted up in 'saying the right thing' it comes across as if you ARE being judgemental but don't want people to think you are IYSWIM!
Like when people say 'I do't mean to be rude but...' or 'I'm not being funny but...' yeah they are being rude and funny!!
Anyways I'm doing OK ta mustn't grumble as I AM preg and already have 2 kids so should be bloody grateful...
LMAO just joshing with you hun!!
i am first time ttc - i understand exactly what u r trying to say!!!
This is not totally related - but -
my friend is 2 years younger than me - she has a 2 yr old (almost 3) and i love both of them to pieces but every so often something makes me think that she will be blessed with little 1 no. 2 before i we achieve number 1 - and for a split second i cant help but think that's selfish when she knows how much we want a little one and that we've been trying for a year. i know in reality i would be overjoyed if baby no 2 arrived for her (she's not trying by the way). i'm sure she would feel for me if this was the case LOL
i hope no one thinks bad of me for saying that but i think the green eyed monster takes over when someone else has something i want so much.
I think people should be more open about these feelings. When I got my BFP I had two friends I was worried about telling... one has 4 children and would love more but her DH won't go for it as they don't have the space or finances (not that that ever stops the maternal urge!) and the second lady doesn't have any but altho she is desperately broody isn't in a position to start trying yet. Because I knew exactly how they feel I think I was sensitive to this and said 'I know how gutted you're going to be and I'm really really sorry but...' to give them the OK to say they were jealous or whatever rather than them having to smile and then go home and be sad.
Come on ladies say it loud and proud - it sucks when anyone else is pregnant and we're not!
in all fairness - firstly i should explain that we were all friends before becoming work colleagues LOL) i have told everone at work that they must not get their OH's pg and to the girls i know well - 'keep their legs crossed or wrap it up' LOL.
they all know i'm joking but have been prepared for the fact that as much as i will be over the moon for them - i will feel sadness that someone out there has decided it's not my turn yet.