UPDATE to my "how to word this" post, please read :D

I have deleted the other question as i now know how i need to word the question.

Do women who are TTC but already have children, find it less stressful/heartbreaking this time round because they know that IF it took them so long to conceive again or IF they couldn't conceive again they have always got the one thing we all want.....someone to call them mummy???

I am not saying women shouldn't feel what us first time TTC'ers feel, i am just asking how you feel. I know if i had a child i would love for them to have a sibling but i would also feel that if it took a long time to conceive again or if i couldn't then even though it would break my heart i would know i still have the thing i have always wanted...a child.

Hopefully this makes a little more sense, i know everyone has replied but i wanted to word my question that little bit better so people didn't take offence to it.

Thanks Tink

[Modified by: *Tink* on 11 December 2009 12:52:16 ]


  • Sorry Tink - read it a few times now and not quite sure what your trying to put across?

    PP84 x
  • double post - oops

    [Modified by: Mrs PP84 on December 10, 2009 09:25 AM]

  • I know what you mean Tink, I've got a 9yr old son and i lost my 2nd son in Sept at 27 weeks. For me personally I want to have another child so much, perhaps losing my baby made me realise this more than anything. But at the same time one of the things i say to my son since losing the baby is that at least I have been blessed once and that I am a very lucky mum. I know some women may not ever get the chance to be a parent and my heart goes out to them, there is no better feeling in the world than being a mother, hence why I want to be one again. If it doesn't happen for us I will feel robbed, but lucky to have been able to love my own flesh and blood. But honestly, just because I have a child it doesn't mean that i don't want another any more than a woman who has no children.

    Good question Tink and good luck xx
  • My previous post was worded a bit strong so decided to remove it

    [Modified by: DiscoDivaSara on December 10, 2009 09:50 AM]

  • I also agree with dotty xx
  • I think (and plase correct me if I'm wrong!) that she's asking if people who already have children and are ttc after a number of months (or long-term) - does the length of time it's taking for them to conceive bother them as more or less or the same as they already have a child, whereas with first-time ttc'vers as they don't have a baby/child already, it (this isn't worded great but can't think of another way of putting it) matters more when they get their bfn.

    I can't comment Tink as I'm a first-timer, but I think if you want a baby whether you've got one or not, it's hard if it's not happening or things keep going wrong. I think those people who already have a baby/child it is a consolation if they find they can't concieve again that at least they've been blessed with one, but I think it must also be frustrating if you've got a child and not having any luck concieving as you know you've done it before!

    Hope this makes sense.

  • ah ok - reading the comments above I think I get you now. I think it's perfectly fine to have thoughts and feelings like this and I don't believe you wanted an argument either - if you'd had worded it agressively or snotty then that would be a different matter - your post almost sounds curious image

  • Hi Tink,

    I know what you mean and I have often wondered myself how the first time TTC'ers feel about women like me who are TTC when I already have kids. There have been times I have worried about saying stuff because I already have kids and I don't want to appear ungrateful.

    In answer to your question I would say for me- does it bother me if it takes a bit longer? Yes and no. I think for me, it does help (if that is the right word) that I already have kids. I am well aware of the fact that alot of ladies are just dying to become mums for the first time and I already have that. Obviously there is also the fact that the kids keep me busy and therefore I don't consentrate as much on TTC (although tbh it doesn't stop the 2ww being toutureimage).

    However, I think that it needs to be said that every child and every pregnancy is totally different. It would be unfair on potentional future children to say that they are not as important as your first. I know when/if we are blessed with another child I will feel like a first time mum again when I get my BFP because I am a first time mum to that baby. I think the process of TTC is hard for any woman, it doesn't really matter how many other children you have in that sense- although I can totally see how it looks to a first time TTCer.
  • Seeing a bfn is no less heartbreaking the second time around, but my son is a consolation to me and i know that if i never get a second bfp i will still consider myself blessed. As the months go on I'm actually getting worried that something about my first pregnancy screwed up my body and i won't be able to conceive again.
    I'm also worried that the age gap is getting bigger and bigger and I'm getting older - as I've already put my career on hold, the longer I'm out of the game the harder it will be to get back into work once my kid(s) are older.
    I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say or find out, but it's just as hard second time around and I don't feel I deserve my bfp any less than someone who doesn't already have kids....
  • I understand what you mean Tink. I think its a different kind of longing, I fell pg on the second month of trying with Neve who is almost two but this time is has taken a year and two miscarriages (am 8 wks now) - its made me realise how much I would like a sibling for Neve and at times quite panicky and guilty that she might end up an only child or that the age gap would be too big.

    I know what it is like to hold my newborn baby so even if Neve had been an only child we would still be very, very lucky people but I just desperately felt that by not being able to have another child I was denying Neve (and us) the real joy of having siblings to lean on and grow up with.

    So I think the feelings are just as strong when ttc second (or more) children but they are slightly different and we all need to be respectful of this, after all its tough on everyone and we are all here for support. For what its worth I don't think you sounded arguamentative

    I hope you don't have too long to wait Tink.
  • i no what your saying but ive been ttc for 19 months,even though we have had to stop for now the feeling i have for another is not going away and having a son already i wouldnt say makes it any easier,maybe because we all no what were missing,maybe because it never took this long with my first doesnt make me think that anyone without a child should get their BFP first

    yes i feel so blessed to have atleast one child it hurts me that i havnt had another as i no how much love i have to give but i have been blessed

    i think its to different types of yearning for the same thing x
  • Grace was a much wanted complete accident IYSWIM. Every month (perhaps my age doesn't help)when af arrives I feel like I am letting her down because she so wants to be a big sister and I don't want her to be an only child. She has cousins on her dads side but they are a generation older than her and my sister lives in Canada and is childless and 40 next year. I want her to have someone when shes older to have shared memories with and so for me the failure to concieve so far really hurts. But not this discussion!
  • *tink* you brave thing :lol: :lol: :lol: Well worded image

    I am ttc #2 and seeing a BFN kills me everytime. I think i would be more stressed etc if it wasnt for my boy. The age gap is getting bigger and i am wanting to go back to work but the longer i am out of work the harded it will be to go back.
    Also as my son gets older he is starting to ask for a sister :roll: and family keep asking him if he want's a bro/sis so he keeps asking (not that my family know about ttc)
    He asked for his bday for a sis and when asked what he wanted for xmas he asked for a sis again :\( so in a different way i also want a bro/sis for my boy and i cant give him that.
    Also I am so scared that in having my son i cant get preg as i had so really heavy bleeding after giving birth 1st time and since having my son i have had 2 mc's :cry:
    Everyone should have as many children as they want and can give love to and although i have a son and i would love 1 more Something in me tells me each month to give my boy a hug coz i am a very lucky mummy already xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Mrsc06... U wrote everything i was feeling when i was reading this post xx


    Month 16 TTC #2

    Gems xx
  • i dont think it makes the want any less but when i get a bit consumed in it all i tend to look at what i have got and it reigns me in a bit but like mrsc06 i worry about the age gap getting bigger and the fact that my lo keeps asking for a baby even though she doesnt know we are trying that can tear on the heartstrings a bit.xxx
  • I'm TTC number 4 and sometimes when I read other peoples posts about how long they have been TCC it makes me feel selfish and greedy to want another. It's irrational but I can't help it. But baby no.4 is as exciting and longed for as the first.
  • I havent read all the comments yet as i have to always put my two penneth in before hand lol.
    The reason i was asking is i have a friend who has a daughter and it currently TTC. No one knows iu am TTC as i don't want the sympathy if it takes a while but when i asked my friend if she was frustrated at not conceiving yet she said no it didnt bother her cause she already has what she wants which is a child of her own. She said it would be nice to have another one but her longing for a baby the first time round was much more than it is this time because if she can't manage to conceive ever again she'll always know that she got her dream of been a mummy anyway!
  • I think some people have read this post and thought i was maybe been vicious in some way. I sometimes wish i didn't type these things as people get angry at them even if they don't express it over BE!

    I asked because my friend made me think. I didn't put the post on here to say women who already have children have no right to be upset because it is taking them longer than they would like to conceive.

    I posted this thread because i was ASKING whether women weren't as anxious and stressed out to conceive the second time because they know they already have their dream. I think all little boys/girls should have a brother/sister but i am sure there are women out there like my friend who think "well if i never conceive again i will always have been blessed with a child" and therefore don't find it as stressful/heartbreaking the 2nd, 3rd, 4th time around!

    Sorry to MrsC06, Discodivasara and gembags who maybe took this the wrong way. I think i worded it wrong in the first place.
  • Hi Tink .... I think a womans need for a baby is biological and cant be changed..
    I think it must be frustrating for any woman TTC even if you have a child already.
    I cannot comment really as after almost two years and no kids all I want is one ! but i bet that wont be enought for me ..
    If I get blessed with one I think I will start again right away for the next one
  • g/c from pregnancy but have to say my first son was a suprise, my second pg (current) was a long and agonising journey of upset, tears and hospital tests in which we were told we couldn't conceive naturally (and that month we did LOL) Although I was always grateful that i had my son I have never felt pain like I did seeing a bfn or af every month, for the first 6 months it wasn't too bad but things just went on and on and more and more family and friends got pg around me it became very hard to deal with. i think like others say it is a different want and perhaps your friend just isn't as bothered. I had sorted out my career gotten married and moved into our new house and had been wanting to try for baby number 2 for a bout 2 years before we started trying but wanted to get all above sorted first so when we did start trying it just felt so unfair that this time we did everything right but then were slapped in the face for 18 months with bfn image

    For all you I wish you a bfp soon, like I say I was told on 1st June we would need ICSI, in that we were so bad on sperm count we couldn't even have IVF!! Then on 10th June Imy little egg met a little sperm!!! It just takes one girlies so keep up with all that bding and hope to see you in pregnancy soon xx
  • I also have a son and he's only 16 months old. For me this is harder, my husband is going through chemo and may not be able to have any more and we are desperate for more babies but it may not happen or at least easily. That being said I count my blessings I have one boy and if I can't have another I will be grateful for what I have.
    I really feel for all the childless couples who are trying to have babies without luck andlike some others I actually feel a bit bad for wanting another so bad but I guess its human nature and natural for women to want babies if they have none or one or ten
    Good luck to all
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