OT-am I being nasty and insensitive?

My lo's dad tried to kill himself today-overdose, and all I can think is what a selfish bastard! My lo is my whole life and I could never choose to leave her and cannot understand him wishing to. He says he is depressed but from the way he talks(and boy does he go on about it a lot) he sounds more self obsessed than depressed.
I told her that daddy was held up at work today so couldn't come and see her and am waiting to hear more from his mum. I think if it was life threatening she would have told us by now, so I don't know if hes still in hospital or what is happening. If he is kept in I suppose I'll have to just tell her that he's poorly and not tell her why although that will rankle when she tells me how good daddy is to her-don't know how I'm going to not tell her when shes older.
I can't help feeling like this but then have to think what a cow I am!


  • No chicken, you're not being nasty or insensitive - I agree that he is a selfish bastard!

    I understand that there are obviously issues in his life, but at the end of the day, he is blessed with a little girl and the thought of you having to tell your daughter that, would be unbearable! He's got to think of his responsibilities!

    Sorry if I now sound harsh or nasty or insensitive, but think he needs to see the bigger picture and look after his responsibilities!!

  • Thankyou, I've only spoken to one friend about it since his mum rang me and I suppose I shall have to tell my parents-they won't be impressed!
    The silly thing is that he has a good job thats very rewarding and a full life-lots of interests, friends etc,as well as her.
    He has been very mollycoddled and is self obsessed-hes the youngest(by 7 years)of 4.
    I don't think I'm going to be able to find it in myself to be sympathetic and am worried that my attitude may make matters worse for him.
  • Hmmm...

    I have to say, I think I would be with you on this one. I would find it very difficult to be sympathetic with him. He appears to have a full life, although of course I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but still don't think I could be sympathetic.

    If you think it could be worse for him if you are not sympathetic, it may be wise just to completely stay away from him, He probably wont be in a fit state to see your little girl anyway, so that will give you a bit of space from him.

    What is your relationship like with him normally?


  • i dont think you are being a cow at all, he sounds like my dad, but my 'dad' threw himself down the stairs in an attempt to kill himself, he layed there for about 5 minutes motionless i was 10 at the time my sisters were only toddlers, i remember mum looking at me and then him then he jumped up and started ranting on about how it was such a shame for him or something like that, and look we didnt care etc... needless to say mum left him he has never changed he is still alive and kicking, and is still much the same with the woe is me stuff.. acts like a child even now, its pathetic, i have no respect at all for him and i dont talk with him anymore, your daughter will know one day what he is like, as i did, you will know best way to handle it with lo, but my mum got the shes poisoned you against me routine! some people just dont realize how blessed they really are do they? xx ((hugs)))
  • Exactly, as Chloe has said, imagine if he were to do something like that in front of your little girl, what effect would that have on her?!

    I think you're right to have reservations about him!

  • oh gosh hun no you are not a cow at all. how unfair on your little girl. hopefully this will be a wake up call for him and he can get some help and support so he doesn't try anything similar again.

    hope you ok hun, big hugs xxx
  • I get on well enough with him, he sees lo at least 4 times a week, usually here or he takes her to the park etc. I can't say that I actually like him very much but I don't think he realises this. He does talk to me about stuff that I'd rather he kept to himself but says that he values my opinion on things. He is intelligent but very immature(he's 35).
    I don't suppose I'm going to know I will react until I see him. I think if I feel that I may not be able to be understanding then it might be better to tell him that I'd rather not discuss it because I wont be able to tell him what he wants to hear. On the other hand if I don't say something about his responsibilities to her then its almost like condoneing it.
    Thanks Chloe-I can see that if I say too much thats negative to her that I will be accused of poisoning her against him, but I feel that I shall have to tell her when shes older.I'm sorry that you have such a poor relationship with your father.
    I guess I'm going to have to sleep on it.
    Thanks for your replies-its done me good to write it down rather than it going round and round in my head.xxx
  • Thanks Mrs e and SB-thats a really nice offer. I do appreciate what you've said( I too have had depression but prozac worked its magic on me) and I do realise that perhaps I shouldnt be so judgemental but when it affects my lo (or could if he tries again, or is sucessful-I still havent heard)its hard to be sympathetic.xx
  • you may not need to tell her she may see for herself as she gets older , i should cross that bridge when i came to it, he may get better in time but for now maybe you should just say he is poorly xx but hey it isnt your fault hun xx have a good rest and see how you feel in morning x
  • Thanks hunny.xx
  • hmmm...

    I don't think ur being nasty and insensitive isn't the right word but i understand that its difficult 4 some1 who has never been in ur babies dad's position to understand- i have.

    A long time ago b4 i had my lo and met dh while at school i tried to do the same thing and i can tell u that it never crosses ur mind that ur going to hurt the ppl u'll leave behind but in fact u think they'll be better off with out you.

    Thats how i felt.....like nothing was going right i couldn't do anything right and i couldn't shake the cloud or fog that was in front of me i just didn't want to exist anymore and thought the world would be a better place without me- my parents would be happier- every1.

    I was lucky that my parents found me and got me 2 hospital and i got help..i got my 2nd chance and i've never looked back!

    Its understandable that ur going to feel protective over ur daughter and angry about what he's done but depression is a mental illness and he needs all the support and understanding he can get.

    Please don't take this the wrong way i'm not judging u but like SB i think its important ppl see it from the other side and i hope he's okay now.

    [Modified by: lilac* on July 01, 2008 09:48 AM]

  • Hi Helen, I don't think you're being mean at all and I agree he's been totally selfish. My mum suffers with depression and has done for about 30 yrs so I've seen how hard it can be to cope with although she's never tried to hurt herself. The reason she actually has the depression is because her dad did kill himself, although the depression maybe a bit hereditory too. I think he was totally selfish and it has affected my mum for a majority of her life. Maybe when you're in a dark place you don't think but I've seen what it can do so don't have a great deal of pity, sorry if that sounds mean.

    I don't think you are wrong to feel so mad about it, it could have seriously affected your lo's future. For my mum it happened on boxing day and so she has always hated xmas so in some ways it has even changed parts of my life although my mum tried to hide it etc.

    I hope that he gets help!
  • Thanks porky and lilac(and welcome back Porky-I was too preoccupied yesterday to post on your thread). I do hope I havent upset anyone by telling you all this yesterday(especially those of you who have experienced this personally) and I thankyou all for sharing your experiences.
    Todays update is that although I left a message for his mum I have had no reply, but my friend who I've worked with today lives across the road from his mum and says her car is there and the spare room curtains are closed so he is obviosly there-nice to be kept informed by his mum-for all I know my lo could've been fatherless!!! Yes unfortunately I am still very angry and dont want to ring her home because if he answers I will rant at him which I appreciate isnt really fair but I need time to calm down about it all.
    Anyway thankyou again for your support and advice.
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