BFN again, wondering if i cope with these feelings again....

AF due 25/26 Feb not sure which as i was a day early last month. Took a test this morning and it was bfn you could see the disappointment in my husbands face but says we can try again next month, but i don't know if i can go through all these feelings again, just to be disappointed, i am 34 so i am getting on a bit to be having my first. All the thoughts of 'maybe we can't have kids', 'maybe my eggs are damaged' are playing on my mind feel really low at the moment and wondering if my husband an i will ever become parents! We have been trying for a few months and i know in my head it is still early days but my heart is tearing. I told my husband this morning that If we try again next month and it does not happen then that is it not going to try anymore (maybe go back on the pill) reading this back i sound unreasonable and selfish but can't help it. Is anyone else feeling like this?


  • Hi MrsHT,
    Sorry you're feeling so down, but i just wanted to say you shouldn't give up yet. You've only been trying for a couple of months, most people with no problems at all take up to a year or more to conceive, i have no issues at all and it took 14 months for me to get a BFP. In fact it didn't even cross my mind at that stage that there could be a problem. Doctors advise you should seek help when you've been trying for a year, or 6 months if you are over the age of 35 (i think). And if you've been on the pill it can take a year to come out of your system properly. Perhaps you should go to your doctor now to start the ball rolling, tell him you've been trying longer than you have if need be. I really hope you get your BFP soon, I got mine when I started using ovulation sticks.
    Good luck hun and I hope you feel better soon xx
  • Mrs HT I do feel for you, I think try and wait for AF anyway. I think it is so easy to get these feelings of sadness and failure. I was under impression that TTC is easy and it just happens, but it does take time. I was reading Dr Miriam Stoppard book and in there it says something like 25% women concieve in 1st month, 60% within 6 months, 75% 9 months, 80% within a yaer and 90% 18 months.
    I think for me that was an eye opener really. Plese don't worry just yet.
    Take time 34 is still a good age. We all say things we don't really mean to and you and your husband will be fine. Just talk to each other and try and take a negative approach.
    I am 36 and got my bfn today followed by AF.
    Still I am hopeful, and I think speaking to other ppl really does help. My close friend who is in her 30, has been trying for about 6 months and has not been lucky yet. So you are not the only one. I know it does not make it go away, but talking sometimes does make it easier. Chin up. Feel free to vent your frustrations on here in need to xxx
  • Try and stay positive hon. It will happen.

    I know it sounds silly but instead of testing I always find it less disappointing to wait for af - and only if I am late will I test. For some reason having af isn't as heartbreaking as seeing that BFN staring you in the eye.

    Dotty J is right though - you could always go to docs and tell him you've been TTC for a year or so, get the ball rolling on tests just to set your minds at rest that nothing is wrong. Sometimes once we know everything is alright we relax and it happens - we didn't think we could conceive as hubby has had testicular cancer. We were trying, went for tests, were told we should be alright but might need help and a couple of months later fell pregnant naturally. So sometimes it's the worry of a problem that stops us conceiving - getting the doc to tell you its ok might just be that spark that kicks things off.

    Really hope you get your BFP soon hon and try to keep the PMA alive xxx
  • No, you aren't alone.

    I'm finding it very depressing TTC without success. I find every possible way of blaming myself over the whole thing... I'm letting myself get too stressed about finding work, I've screwed my fertility up because I had a pretty bad ED, I'm not having sex at the right time, I put it off too late.... all manner of things.

    You aren't that old to be having your first... you aren't yet 35, so there is plenty of time, though I realise it's hard when you are hearing about others pregnancies and still not conceiving yourself.

    I'm not sure going back on the pill will make you feel much better. Remember it can take months for normal fertility to resume, so consider taking a month off TTC and just enjoy having sex for the fun of it.

    Hubby and I have recently agreed that we are aiming to have sex every other night throughout the cycle, apart from during menstruation as I find my sex drive disappears then. Things have slipped a bit after 10 years of marriage but when we were dating we did it a lot more than thatimage after a short while of getting back into the habit I'm really enjoying seeing that part of our relationship grow again. This is going to sound horrible, but its a bit like going to the gym... sometimes after a long day at work you don't really want to do it, but once you get used to it you realise it's a lot more refreshing then crashing in front of the TVimage

    Seriously though... people always talk about how men sometimes are made to feel like sperm doners while TTC, but us women sometimes feel much the same except that if we don't fall pregnant we are automatically considered to be the one to 'blame' whereas 50% of the time there will be male fertility issues. Personally, I think we don't make a fuss out of having to have sex according to what a calendar tells us as society historically suggests women don't really have a sex drive anyway so there is no issue about if she's 'In the mood' or not. I mean, how many jokes have you heard about a wife reluctantly agreeing to have sex with her husband because of some ulterior motive such as making up for scratching the car? While we are expected to have sex for reasons other than sexual desire, Men are expected to always want sex for the sake of it. Nothing makes it harder for me to feel sexy than feeling as if I'm under pressure to 'put out', and nothing makes me feel less like a woman then peeing on a stick to see just one line appear. It's a nasty cycle, which is why I think putting too much pressure on yourself is not at all good.

    So, sorry, rambled a bit there and got on my soap box. The synopsis is
    Nope, you aren't alone.
    34 is not that old to become a first time mum.
    Consider a break from TTC, but don't feel you need to go back on the pill.
    Just have a whole bunch of sex... some of it is bound to be around the right timeimage
  • hi girls

    i would like to thank you all for your replies and i know that you are all completely right. I will maintain a PMA and'bring on the dreaded af this month so i can move on.
    H x
  • Hi hun, totally understand where you are coming from, however for us, each month is a let down not because of me, but because my husband hasnt ejactulated in me since aug 09! x So each month we know that it is a bfn as he hasnt cum! image So emotionally drained with it all and only have you girls to talk too x
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