Any advice much appreciated

Hey all, maybe I'm in the completely wrong place to be asking this but I'm at my wits end at the moment and willing to give anything a try. So here goes, I'm a 24 year old lad and been with my current wife 5 years, we have not used protection for 4of them and we've not conceived, my wife and I would love a child and the stress of it all is really pushing her to her mental limits. She's panicking as she thinks there's something wrong with her. We suffered a miscarriage this summer and I really think it's knocked something out of balance in her mind. Since it happened she has been very odd behavior wise and so much so she has even left our home throwing all kinds of mixed signals at me saying she still loves me and wants me back then next minute saying she wants a divorce. I've told her the miscariage doesn't matter and I'll love her no matter what even if she can't concieve but to no avail. Although i know I'm ok because I have been for tests without her knowing and got the all ok but couldn't bring myself to tell her as I knew it would hurt her. Anyone on here had to cope with a miscarriage?? If so what were the effects mentally?? Cheers in advance


  • Hi,

    i'm so sorry you've had to go through this, i can't imagine how hard it must be for you both. Has your wife had counselling for the mc?

    I've had 3 mcs. The last one will be 3 years ago at the end of Jan. They were very much wanted and until you go through it yourself nobody will ever understand how devastating it is. After my last one i just didn't want to be around anymore (i never thought of doing anything silly but just wanted to curl up and sleep for a very long time) All i've ever wanted is to be a mum and to think it might never happen is unbearable.
    I never had counselling, i wish i had as i don't think i ever came to terms with what happened properly.

    I would definitely suggest counselling, for both of you. I really hope everything works out. I know it's not something you want to hear but 1 out of 4 pregnancies end up in a mc, especially the first. It's so common.

    Good luck in the future x

    [Modified by: Poppy83 on December 28, 2009 01:01 AM]

  • Hey poppy... Thanks for your reply. She point blank refuses that the miscarriage has affected her mental state and has refused to go for councelling for both the miscarriage and our marriage, she has longed for a child the entire time I've known her, it's even boderline obsession I'd say and she becomes increasingly jealous, even sometimes nasty when she learns of another girl we know who might fall on. It's getting to the stage with her where I think she will have a break down pretty soon
  • The thing is, after a mc her desire to be a mum will get even stronger, well it did with me anyway.
    If she refuses to have counselling then i don't know what to suggest but i wish i'd had it, it wasn't offered to me though.

    Has she had a good cry and let it out that way or has she kept it all inside?
    And how are you feeling? In this situation the focus is always on the woman, people forget it's the man's loss too.

    I really hope she comes round and realises counselling might help. Other than that just give her a big old hug, everyone loves a hug image

    Good luck x
  • I was and still am devastated, we tried and tried after the miscarriage to concieve but it never happened, I've spoke to her today and she insists it doesn't bother her and she wants a seperation still, wants time for herself now. It just pains me as she must think there's something wrong with me that we can't conceive when I now know myself it is something wrong with her
  • It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her. I've had tests and there's nothing wrong with me, or my partner, these things just take time.
    Maybe let her have her space. She'll eventually come to terms with it in her own way and then be ready to start again. This is just her way of dealing with it. She's not being honest if she says it's not effected her though, that would effect even the hardest of people.
  • I had an ectopic pregnancy in september. I am usually a very strong person but this experience knocked me for six.

    I am sure you are doing your best to support her but if my husband started talking about "my mental state" or "there must be something wrong with me" I would probablely act in the same way as your wife - shut down and refuse to speak to you about it.

    I think mena nd women have very different ways of lookinga t these things and men like to be able to "fix" things. All I needed, and thankfully my hubby provided it, was love and was just there to hold me when I was sad, listened to me when I needed to and let me be angry when I needed to be. If I had to supress these emotions I daresay I would have started behaving strangely.

    Experiences like these are not black and white and if it was as simple as "it's either you are me" then i'm sure the answer to problems conceiving would be easy. Clearly things are working or she wouldn't have conceived a baby this summer.

    I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, I am just very senstive about it and most women who have been through this awful experience tend to be the same.

    I know that you mean well but I would change your approach to your wife and you may well get a different response.
  • Hi there

    Undoubtedly your wife is deeply upset and struggling to come to terms with what has happened. I went through a very very dark time following my missed miscarriage, and felt all kinds of emotions, most very negative and destructive. I worried about my mental health, but also knew that what I was feeling was perfectly natural, and would pass with time. Thing is, it does take a long time to come to terms with something like this. I'm not sure I will ever "get over it" but I am learning how to live with it.

    I'm not sure this is something that you can "fix". I know my hubby felt lost after it happened, and struggled to know how to comfort me. Your wife needs to work through her emotions in her own way, and I think all you can do is support her (which you are doing!!). Please don;t take this as a criticism, and I am sure you meant well by saying it, but I think telling her that you will love her "even if she can't conceive" may well have done more harm than good. At the moment I think she does need space. However I do appreciate that this must be a hard time for you too and you need support and love just as much as she does. Do you have a friend or family member you can turn to? It's not the same I know, but you are welcome to join us in the trying to conceive after ectopic/miscarriage forum.

  • Well I know what you mean about saying about her not being able to conceive and it makes sense, but I know what it means as she's a beauty therapist and is constantly surrounded by women and lots of pregnancy stories etc if it came out she couldn't conceive she would feel less of a woman to her friends and customers even though she really wouldn't be
  • i cant speak from experience but if i were in your shoes id be firm with her, it sounds like youve tried everything else. i'd sit her down, tell her the truth about your test results, and say look we have had bad luck and sometimes it can take years and although that is little comfort it is doing neither of us any good going on like this, if anything her stress could be the cause of not conceiving, or not implanting. tell her you love her, u want it too, youve been hurt too, but she needs to decide what she wants, to be with you and in it for the long haul, including visiting the doctors and counsellor so you can move forward together, or does she want to leave, she needs to decide, its not fair on you and its doing her no good either. sorry if that seems harsh but i think after all the other approaches and having been through other difficult problems myself, i find at the end of it all you have to snap her out of it and give her a wake up call. good luck what ever u decide x
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