Hubby dropped a bombshell :( *updated*

He says if we haven't been successful this month we should stop trying for a while. I'm so gutted, because i no we haven't done it this month, we only bd'd once this month and i think i ov'd becuase of pain/spotting, but if i did its dead early for me. He says i'm becoming too obssessed and working myself up, which is true but thats going to happen when ever we try, i'm never going to be easy going about something so important to me.
He says we don't have to use protection but i can't temp or use my cbfm (which is brand new, if he felt like this why did he let me get it) My recation was well if we're not using protection then thats still trying and he reakons its not because its letting nature take its course.
I don't want to have to nag him into ttc, but i can't believe he's saying this because he promised we'd start ttc properly after the wedding. It makes me so angry sometimes, he gets final say on everything, and i just have to stay quiet until he says its ok, i've made so many comprimises in our relationship and now he's taken away something so important.
Sorry to rant but i'm so upset and i have no one i can talk to :\( don't really no what to do now. he knows how important being a mum is to me, Feel lost.
Just hoping on the mini chance i have a little bean this month

[Modified by: Nilo on 27 January 2010 20:35:22 ]

Posts

  • Awww honey that must have been upsetting for you.

    This is a bit sneaky, but this is what I would do. Tell hubby you are going to chill out about the whole thing, but keep on charting and cbfm-ing anyway! Afterall where's the harm? The trick will be to not let on to him that you are fertile or anything, just make sure you have regular sex so he is none the wiser.

    As I said, it's a bit sneaky and it might make you feel guilty, but surely thats better than ending up resenting him? It would make me feel guilty but then as you said, this is important stuff. I just don;t think men get it AT ALL!!
  • i would do as moonandstars says! if hes non the wiser it wont matter!
  • moonsandstars i was going to say the exact same thing.

    im sorry you are so sad honey, my husband did the same thing, we did have arguements untill he gave a 'date' on when we could start trying again.

    x x x
  • I would agree, do it all secretively. What he doesn't know wont harm him...at least hes not saying that you have to go back to condoms and you're resorting to pricking holes in them!!

    Im sure he will be over the moon you being pregnant either way, but you still have to feel good in yourself too, he probably also thinks that if you chill about it, it might happen easier, but men dont understand everything about women's bodies only we do!! - he can't have the end say in everything either. You deserve to be a mum, so just keep that side of things to yourself. I do otherwise im sure my DH will end up resenting me lol...please dont be upset though xx
  • Hey Nilo, im so sorry to hear you're going through this, your situation sounds quite similar to mine. OH just couldnt take the pressure from me, and i have to admit, i was pressuring and i couldnt stop. Was using OPKs and the CBFM and although at first i thought it was helping me to relax it actually made things worse, he said i had to stop, and like your hubby, his word is final. I made a real conscious effort to relax about it, no charting etc, and i hate to admit it but he was right. I feel so much better for it, i forgot to listen to my own body, only relied on the sticks and couldnt think about anything else. Sex has become sex again, and because i've backed off, its now him asking when we're 'going to make a baby!'
    Sorry for such a long post, hope this makes u feel a little better xxx
  • I'm going to be controversial here, but maybe you could try it his way for a wee while? After all, he doesn't want to stop ttc, just wants to do it in a more natural way. I know that everyone feels that temping and charting and all that stuff is the only way to do it, but people have been having babies for centuries without all that stuff so would it really hurt to just try it? Not for ever, but just to give yourself a break.
    I only used ov sticks for one month and found it so stressful, I really got wound up over it, so I chucked them.
    I'm probably alone one here in thinking this, but I'm a great advocate of having loads of sex and chilling out about ttc.
    The month I got my bfp that's exactly what we did - we had lots of sex around the right time of the month (I still noted ewcm and ov pains) and at other times of the month too. Because we were doing it when we wanted and not just for ttc purposes we had much more fun! No charting or anything like that.
    I already have a son and we did it that way to conceive him too, so it's entirely possible to get your bfp without getting bogged down in the science of it all.
  • I agree, keep it quiet and don't tell him the details.

    My DH doesn't like me being obessessed or doing anything un-natural or deliberate, he doesn't even like me on here. But I just keep it all quiet and if he wants to know anything he asks, doesn't happen v often!! I would like to share it all with him but he really doesn't need to know if I've got EWCM, just that we're having a baby!!

    I'm tracking ov and AF in a diary and doing OPKs without telling him or else he would say no leave it to nature!!

    And he won't even let me put my legs in the air after BD, he reckons if they can't get there of their own accord they're not good enough to make a baby!! Funny yet possibly true!

    Sorry you're feeling so sad about this, but just let him think you've stopped it all and calmed down and just carry on as normal without him knowing and come talk to us about it on here so he doesn't have to know anything

    Good luck xxx
  • Luckily for me I wear the trousers in our household! lol I am a little madam and get away with being bossy and doing pretty much what I want!
    I know I am sounding like a little spoilt brat! If my husband told me to stop OPKs and CBFM I would have a major strop and throw my toys out the pram!

    If you dont feel confident to confront him then go with the sneaky route but would you want the consequences of him finding out and being angry? If TTC is so important then fight for what you want - okay maybe compromise if its only BDing and not just sex anymore but I wouldnt give up at all!
  • sorry hun, but im with mrsc06 on this one. being sneaky probably wont help your relationship if you let slip what you are doing. maybe its time to chill a bit and enjoy your time together, making bd'ing more fun, your hubby may feel like a baby machine and thats why he's kicked off a bit?im not saying any of this to be nasty or to upset you and i wish you the very best of luck ttc, just enjoy yourselves!!xxx
  • Thanks for the replies, i do understand what your saying but in all honesty i don't think its the charting/bding thats the prob but how anxious i get in the 2ww. I wouldn't be able to it sneakly i hate guilt and i'd have to tell him. Think whats upset me is that he keeps given dates and then puts it back.We don't tend to have a lot of sex, even before ttc so at least if i knew when i was ov we could time those few times to the right times. I dunno everything just seems so hard at the moment.
  • hi hun, we dont use opks every month only every second month, i take my temp most months and keep and eye on my cm but most of the time oh doesnt know what is going on and is just happy getting extra sex.lol. maybe try having a month off and see if is relaxes you (it didnt me but im a little controlling.lol), just do plenty of bdancing and see what happens. good luck hun.xxxx
  • Hi Nilo,
    My first instinct was to say not to tell him and do it anyway, but if you couldn't keep it from him, then i'm with one of the previous posters and you might actually benefit from the reduced stress of tracking. You can still watch your body, but leave everything else to nature. As long as you make sure you're having regular sex then you're doing the most important bit anyhow. If nothing else, it's something different to try isn't it and as long as you approach it with a positive attitude and embrace it (rather than feel pushed into it and negative) it's worth a go.

    We've been trying for 13 months and I have quite long cycles but this month we're taking a more relaxed approach and just bding when we fancy it... I am tracking temperature but this is the first month of doing that and my body has stopped giving me OV signs so I need one thing! Fingers crossed relaxed is a direct way to a BFP!

    Good luck image
  • bin everything (or put it away safely) and bd every other day. without the stress. my hubby refused to have sex with me one month after the cbfm said i ov'd despite me saying it could be wrong. it was! i didnt get af for another 4 weeks so we had missed it by a long way. as i have long cycles (over 45 days) cbfm wouldnt be accurate for me but i didnt realise this. we caught the month after though, but i did make hubby pay! there was no not having any after that! image
  • Totally agree with MrsC06 and what she said about "keeping it real". As lovely as the cbfm is, it can dictate your life if you let it, rather than enhance it. But I use it mainly so that if I do end up having to go to see the doctor I can prove that I have been tracking my cycle and having sex at the appropriate times in the month. Not terribly romantic though is it??!!

    Honestly, men have it so easy. They don't worry themselves about these things and they aren't making sure that babies get born! So wish I could be as free and easy about it as they are!!!
  • Just a quick update, i sat him down and told him, that i was going to use the cbfm just to put my mind at ease about ovulating but said i was happy to use protection if he didn't like that. Told him i wanted to keep track of my cycles like you moonandstars, he said that was a good idea. I also pointed out that weather we try or not i'll always be anxious in 2ww because its like being in limbo. which i don't think he really grasped before.
    Anyway as it stands he's agreed i can use the cbfm and i said that i'd tell him when my highs and peaks are and he can decide if he wants to BD, but we'll just not use protection (think that thought scared him a little :lol: as its been a while since he's had too) guess thats the best comprimise for the time being and at least its not a total ban,
    Now i just have to see if anything comes from this month and try and get over my fear of using the cbfm image
    Thanks for your replies, they really helped x
  • Nilo I'm sorry to gatecrash but I felt really obsessed about ttc and struggled with the 2ww (not sleeping properly, unable to think of anything else....we all know the drill lol!). Husband didn't really understand the anxiety of it all and because we had had a couple of miscarriages I think he was worrying that I was going round the bend. I explained it all to him and also that I just needed to feel like I had a little control and suggested that he indulge my obsession for three months and let me go as ttc crazy as I liked with a cbfm and charting, and at the end of the three months we would have a break from it all for a while.

    I think because we had set dates for having a break we were both a bit happier and he paid just as much attention to the CBFM as me - we were really lucky and I fell first month using it but I really think that supporting me in dealing with ttc how I wanted to (even though he genuinely thought I was losing my marbles) made me feel so much better, and in turn calmer.

    I hope this makes sense and sorry again for gatecrashing!

    Good luck
  • sounds like a decnt compromise to me. yes you will still be anxious on the 2ww but we are all here with you hunny. ths is my 2st month of ttc no idea of cycles and already im considering a cbfm!!! whereas hubbie has no idea that there is only a few days or hours every month that we are good to go on the baby making front. but i guess men mostly want to be close and have sex and not always to be reminded that we are trying to make a baby here.
  • I'm glad we helped you! You seem to have come to a good compromise with your hubby. I agree with you on the old 2ww - it is horrid, cos you are wishing your life away and not enjoying what you have now. I wish I could be one of those ladies who suddenly realises they haven't had a period for ages and hey presto! I'm 10 weeks pregnant!!
  • that would be so good, not worrying, not waiting.
  • I had to come and try to find this as i had been so upset for you but im so glad that its worked out with you and hubby.

    x x x
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