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How do you decide when the time is right? So broody but career worries
Hi,
I am 27 and moved to LA last year from London with my boyfriend, who is 33. I left my job as a teacher (we moved here with his work - he is the sole earner now), and I am now studying for a masters. We have been together for 3 years now.
I have been feeling extremely broody for a few months, and thinking that all I want to do is start a family. We had a proper discussion about it, and my BF started looking into the logistics of it - health care costs etc, visa issues. He even told his parents, who were delighted we were thinking about it. He had always thought that we needed to be settled in a place and around family before we started trying, so he had assumed that we would wait until we go back to the UK at the end of next year, but after talking to people he said he realised that it wouldn't be impossible to do here, although as we have a few friends here but no family it would be difficult in some respects.
However, I have had different thoughts following this discussion (and the many more that have followed!). I am worried that if I had a child when I do not have a job I would be destroying my chance at a good career in my own right, not that I necessarily know what I want to do - but I have this silly feeling that I wouldn't be "achieving my potential", that thinking about these kinds of things would completely stop once I had a child. I was always an overachiever, and it has been hard not earning any money but my BF being the sole provider, and I feel that if I had a child now this would continue forever maybe - or I would be making it very difficult to ever be able to match what he earns. We can afford to have a baby on just his salary, that's not the problem.
Am I being silly, and having an unrealistic view of having babies and a career? If we wait until I have a job then it would delay things by at least 2 years (due to visa and my degree), and the thought of waiting that long just breaks my heart. I still get really broody all the time, and am flipping between feeling overwhelmed by how much I want a child now, and feeling almost guilty and worried that I will regret not getting my career sorted first later on ('career' just being an abstract idea of something I always thought I should do). Part of me thinks it would be ideal to have a baby here, with the lovely weather and relaxed way of life. I really want people to tell me whether or not my worries about career are unfounded - I always had this idea of what being a strong, independent woman is, and I feel like I couldn't be further from that now. But that right, and does it even matter?
I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments you might have - and how you came to decide when the time was right. Thanks for reading
I am 27 and moved to LA last year from London with my boyfriend, who is 33. I left my job as a teacher (we moved here with his work - he is the sole earner now), and I am now studying for a masters. We have been together for 3 years now.
I have been feeling extremely broody for a few months, and thinking that all I want to do is start a family. We had a proper discussion about it, and my BF started looking into the logistics of it - health care costs etc, visa issues. He even told his parents, who were delighted we were thinking about it. He had always thought that we needed to be settled in a place and around family before we started trying, so he had assumed that we would wait until we go back to the UK at the end of next year, but after talking to people he said he realised that it wouldn't be impossible to do here, although as we have a few friends here but no family it would be difficult in some respects.
However, I have had different thoughts following this discussion (and the many more that have followed!). I am worried that if I had a child when I do not have a job I would be destroying my chance at a good career in my own right, not that I necessarily know what I want to do - but I have this silly feeling that I wouldn't be "achieving my potential", that thinking about these kinds of things would completely stop once I had a child. I was always an overachiever, and it has been hard not earning any money but my BF being the sole provider, and I feel that if I had a child now this would continue forever maybe - or I would be making it very difficult to ever be able to match what he earns. We can afford to have a baby on just his salary, that's not the problem.
Am I being silly, and having an unrealistic view of having babies and a career? If we wait until I have a job then it would delay things by at least 2 years (due to visa and my degree), and the thought of waiting that long just breaks my heart. I still get really broody all the time, and am flipping between feeling overwhelmed by how much I want a child now, and feeling almost guilty and worried that I will regret not getting my career sorted first later on ('career' just being an abstract idea of something I always thought I should do). Part of me thinks it would be ideal to have a baby here, with the lovely weather and relaxed way of life. I really want people to tell me whether or not my worries about career are unfounded - I always had this idea of what being a strong, independent woman is, and I feel like I couldn't be further from that now. But that right, and does it even matter?
I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments you might have - and how you came to decide when the time was right. Thanks for reading
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Replies
Hi,
I would say I had a lot of the same worries as you before having my Son.
I would worry about my job, money, space etc. This is definitely a personality thing too and something typical for high achievers/worriers too. You are used to having life work around hard work and planning.
Jobs, studies etc all work like this but families don't.
You do need to plan in terms of making sure it isn't completely the wrong move and you wouldn't be completely without the necessary to survive but I think with children the plan doesn't need to be perfect. You also see how things never become perferct for a baby.
In terms of career, I worry about this still. But you can ALWAYS pick up a career if you are that way inclined. What you will find is that it for having children there is a window and it takes a while and that window is a different size for different people and you won't know how big yours is until you try.
If you were to go back to work you would still need to justify your career break as you would after having had a baby. Study would be harder and you might have to put anymore off for a bit but once your child is older or even left home you will have time for this.
It is true it is very hard to have your first baby without family and friends nearyby. I would say especially without family. But people living in the UK still have this problem (we are 100 miles form closest family) due to work so I don't think it is an LA thing.
My advice would be go with your heart. If you know the finances work and it feels like it could be a good time then do it. You will always work it out.
To do this thought you will need to not worry about things being exactly right and go with the flow.
Good luck x
Ps: I forgot to say that you also don't know how you will feel once a baby arrives.
It is no doubt a pressure on your relationship but also a fantastic experience.
People often feel differently about work after too. I have lots of friends who wanted to be SAHMs and then found they needed something for themselves to stay sane and also career minded friends who wanted to go back full time and now happily stay home.
Its very unpredictable
Personal experience is I thought I would want to work mainly but I have found I am hapiest working just 3 days a week.
We are thinking at the moment to have a baby just after my final exam (I know it's not that easy to get timings right!), but am I being unrealistic in thinking this is a good idea? Because of my visa conditions, and the time I'm allowed to work afterwards (or otherwise my visa will expire!) there seems no perfect time to do it out here... Logistics do still seem very difficult.
Also, is it normal to feel scared once you start talking about this seriously with your partner, and considering logistics etc? He just seems to be going with the flow with it either way, whilst I am having moments of elation and moments of terror..! I'm now worried this is a sign I'm not ready...am I being silly?
Thanks for all your advice