Need Someone to Talk to...Long Term TTC

Okay,  I'm sorry if this is long, but I have no one at all to talk to...

My TTC journey started when I was 18 (Yes, I know, so young! But I just knew that I wanted to be a mom when I married my husband.  He is my everything, but that is a different story).  I am 25 now with no children.   I have had 5 miscarriages within that time frame.  All before my 8-week mark.  Been to three different doctors and none of them can figure out why I miscarry and why it is so hard for me to become pregnant in the first place.  Everything is perfect on my end and my DH.

After my first miscarriage, I read a lot of stories about how after the first, it usually doesn't happen again and you will usually get pregnant again within the year.  So my hopes of a beautiful, healthy baby rose, and we were back to trying again about 6 months later.  Then, disaster struck once more.  After the third time, I started to eat my feelings.  I gained so much weight within that year.  My periods were becoming unusual, I knew it was because of the weight gain, but I didn't care enough to start losing the weight.  About 8 months after that, I became pregnant again!  This time I knew it was different.  My pregnancy test was so bright a day before my missed period and just kept getting brighter!  Those digital tests started reading "Pregnant".  The most beautiful words to see in the morning!  I welcomed the morning sickness with open arms.  Every time I gagged, I had the biggest smile on my face.  I knew I was finally going to have my baby!  Then, the very next morning after calling my OB/GYN, I felt numb below my belly button. I knew when I reached that bathroom door that morning, my life was going to crash down all around me.  

That was the last straw for my relationship.  About 2 months later, I left my husband.  I was numb.  I couldn't feel anything anymore.  Part of me blamed myself for our suffering.  That something isn't right with me.  That if I left him, he would find a real woman that could have children, and he will forget all about me.  But part of me blamed him.  That part of me was dark.  Later, I knew it wasn't either one of us.  It was just something that happens to people.  That, at the end of the day, we are meant to be together regardless of having children or not.  So a few months later, we were back together.

We stopped TTC for about a year. 

Last year, we decided to jump back on that train.  I have lost 60lbs so far.

(If you have made it this far, bless your heart!)

So my questions:

1.)  If any of you have lost weight for TTC, how much weight did you lose before your periods became normal again?  And have you conceived? 

2.)  Is it normal to be scared to start TTC again?

3.)  Is it normal to feel jealousy towards others?  Maybe even point out things about those people that make them unworthy (so to say) of having children?

4.) Have any of you had multiple miscarriages?  Have you been able to have a healthy pregnancy?  

5.)  Is it normal to feel alone

Posts

  • Hi Vivian,

    I'm so sorry to hear you've been through so much on your journey to have a family.

    I myself have struggled to conceive for many years. I have PCOS & I am Currently taking Clomid to OV. My desire for children saw the demise of my previous relationship, ( well that & the fact he was an all round horrible person!). During my journey, I to suffered 2 miscarriages. 

    I am now very happily married & we are TTC. Like yourself, I've eaten my feelings & ballooned in weight. I am also almost 40. 

    I completely understand this can feel very isolating & if I am honest I'm petrified.

    Have they given you any clues as to the likelihood of whats causing your MC's? 

    I know my blood is sticky, so they told me, so have been put on mini aspirin daily.

    I just wanted to say your not alone 

    x

  • Thank you for your reply, LuckyStar.

    I would say it is nice to know I am not alone, but that seems a little dark.  I wish no one has to go through what we have.

    The doctors don't really understand what is going on.  They believe it might be blood clots.  I do have uterine fibroids, but they said they have seen bigger ones on others that had perfectly healthy children.  

    I just wish there was some insight into my losses and how to not lose again. I keep being told to stop stressing and it will happen.  But those people do not understand what we have been through.  Not only with long term TTC but with miscarriages as well.  It was hard enough not to stress out in the first year that we ever were TTC...

    I am just hoping that we will get our rainbow babies.  I know I'm pretty young at 25, but I am starting to think that it just won't happen for me....

  • Hi Vivian,

    I know it's very difficult but there is always hope!

    A good friend of mine was in a very similar position as yourself. She was in her early 20's, healthy but miscarried 5 times consecutively. Her & her lovely Hubby decided to go private for tests & it was discovered her blood was clotting too quickly & cutting the supply off to the placenta. She was told next time she had a positive test to ring her consultant immediately. She did this & was given blood thinning injections, which she had to do herself daily for the whole 40 weeks until the baby's birth. Happily, i can report she had a completely healthy full term pregnancy & had her son. Since then she has gone on to have a further 3 children, still having to take daily injections throughout the duration of her pregnancies.

    If you haven't spoke about it may be worth mentioning warfarin (blood thinning) injections should you fall pregnant again, ( fingers crossed!!). If it can be put in place before you conceive it may make a difference next time around.

    I truly believe You will get your long awaited bundle.

    If u are ever feeling down, please drop me a line, it's nice to have support from people who understand.

    Sending lots of sticky baby dust. xx

  • I could of written that myself!

    althogh I’m 33 been trying since 21, lost ten and think I’m having a chemical as we speak, I have pcos, I’m just trying to get referred back to a specialist I have an appointment with gp on Wednesday,

    it is heartbreaking to watch friends and family get pregnant again and again yet I’m still child less 

    your definately not alone xx

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