Need Someone to Talk to...Long Term TTC
Okay, I'm sorry if this is long, but I have no one at all to talk to...
My TTC journey started when I was 18 (Yes, I know, so young! But I just knew that I wanted to be a mom when I married my husband. He is my everything, but that is a different story). I am 25 now with no children. I have had 5 miscarriages within that time frame. All before my 8-week mark. Been to three different doctors and none of them can figure out why I miscarry and why it is so hard for me to become pregnant in the first place. Everything is perfect on my end and my DH.
After my first miscarriage, I read a lot of stories about how after the first, it usually doesn't happen again and you will usually get pregnant again within the year. So my hopes of a beautiful, healthy baby rose, and we were back to trying again about 6 months later. Then, disaster struck once more. After the third time, I started to eat my feelings. I gained so much weight within that year. My periods were becoming unusual, I knew it was because of the weight gain, but I didn't care enough to start losing the weight. About 8 months after that, I became pregnant again! This time I knew it was different. My pregnancy test was so bright a day before my missed period and just kept getting brighter! Those digital tests started reading "Pregnant". The most beautiful words to see in the morning! I welcomed the morning sickness with open arms. Every time I gagged, I had the biggest smile on my face. I knew I was finally going to have my baby! Then, the very next morning after calling my OB/GYN, I felt numb below my belly button. I knew when I reached that bathroom door that morning, my life was going to crash down all around me.
That was the last straw for my relationship. About 2 months later, I left my husband. I was numb. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Part of me blamed myself for our suffering. That something isn't right with me. That if I left him, he would find a real woman that could have children, and he will forget all about me. But part of me blamed him. That part of me was dark. Later, I knew it wasn't either one of us. It was just something that happens to people. That, at the end of the day, we are meant to be together regardless of having children or not. So a few months later, we were back together.
We stopped TTC for about a year.
Last year, we decided to jump back on that train. I have lost 60lbs so far.
(If you have made it this far, bless your heart!)
So my questions:
1.) If any of you have lost weight for TTC, how much weight did you lose before your periods became normal again? And have you conceived?
2.) Is it normal to be scared to start TTC again?
3.) Is it normal to feel jealousy towards others? Maybe even point out things about those people that make them unworthy (so to say) of having children?
4.) Have any of you had multiple miscarriages? Have you been able to have a healthy pregnancy?
5.) Is it normal to feel alone