I also have read all of these posts and do somewhat feel comforted by the fact that I'm not alone! I had a blighted ovum in July and have yet to get pregnant again (currently in the TWW.) My favorite one is "well, you must not be trying hard enough" followed by a laugh. First of all Susan, if following CM and checking my cervix along with tracking my ovulation isn't trying hard enough, guilty as charged. I also had a male friend of mine physically move my arms away from my stomach this weekend and look to see if I was pregnant yet, as literally every single one of my friends has kids, recently had a baby, or is currently pregnant (not even joking, from Dec-April we are expecting 4 babies.) It's hard enough with the pressure we put on ourselves without feeling judged by other people. I wish people would just be quiet and mind their own business!
I actually get this from my partner. He can be a bit insensitive without meaning to be. But I basically can't involve him in the TTC/TWW ordeals at all. I feel like I'm trying for this baby on my own. When I get my period and get disappointed, he tells me to stop being impatient. In the TWW of our first month TTC I wanted to go sober and he looked genuinely surprised and questioned it, then rolled his eyes when he realised it was in case I was pregnant, same with me stopping hot yoga and going back to regular yoga, he said, "But you LIKE hot yoga... you're not even pregnant yet!" and it's painful for two reasons, because my brains goes: a.oh yeah I'm pregnant what if I'm fertile panicpanicpanic and b. he doesn't seem to care that I'm not pregnant what if he's changed his mind about having kids panicpanicpanic
My mum has actually been surprisingly good, because she can be really insensitive about things as well, but I guess she's finally learned that she's got a sensitive daughter - better late than never! Although she will tell me to relax and it will happen, she says it in a way that feels supportive and caring if that makes sense, like she'll preface with a sympathetic "Oh I know"-sounding "Ooohhhh" and she only said "it will happen when it's meant to " once and then she switched it up to a confident, optimistic, "I think it's waiting another month because it wants to be a Leo like its' grandma!"
I don't dare talk about it with anyone else, I've actually stopped talking about it with my partner too. It's just too distressing, I rather just go through this journey alone and if/when I get pregnant, it can be a happy surprise for everyone else...
First I wanted to apologize for my absence from this thread and the forum; I'm a teacher scrambling to get things together before Thanksgiving break, and on top of everything I have been ill with sinus infection, so I haven't been up to doing anything more than binge watching The Office and sleeping. But now that I am back, I am all caught up on this forum, and wow, the support and amount of women who relate to this floored me in the best possible way! It breaks my heart to see how many other women relate to this, but at the same time, I am glad that this wasn't perceived as something that was just bitter and angry, and that everyone felt this was a safe space for disclosing their experiences, too. Someone in this thread mentioned the need for a support group for people who are TTC, and I wholeheartedly agree; but thank goodness we have these forums and such supportive, amazing women in the absence of those kinds of groups. So thank you all for listening to my frustrated and disappointed rant, and thank you even more for feeling comfortable with sharing your own experiences. I hope you all feel validated in sharing your experiences, and I hope that even though I did not get the chance to respond to every single person, I see each and every one of you and your stories
@the-emperor-of-ice-cream GOOD ON U for raising this topic...!! I totally feel for u. Honestly... My worst experience when TTC has unfortunately ended in having 2 missed miscarriages in a row... BUT to the doctors/gynaecologist/nurses etc etc my baby (i call it my baby no matter how many weeks i was) was referred to as a 'PRODUCT' OR 'TISSUE' 'THE PRODUCT IS STILL INSIDE SO WE NEED TO GET RID OF ALL THE PRODUCT INSIDE U' 'THERE IS STILL TISSUE LEFT INSIDE U'
They dont refer to the miscarriage as a baby they simply call IT pieces of tissue or product. I dont know why but for me personally i found that really hard to digest as i felt i couldnt grieve properly. As i felt stupid/silly crying over so called product. Now 6months later i am trying to be alot stronger but every time a due date is nearing i feel so sad and upset...
Also the 'friends' who i have told they just say oh well this celebrity or this person had a baby at 40 etc etc. I am 35 and have no kids. 99% of my friends are married with kids. And they constantly ask why u havent had kids yet blah blah. They dont understand the struggle... anyway enough of my rant.
I wish u all alot of magic baby dust and hope whoever is TTC u will get some very good news and if u have already concieved i pray u have a healthy pregnancy and make it to full term and have beautiful healthy babies 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Reading this experience absolutely broke my heart for you...I couldn't imagine hearing doctors/nurses refer to my pregnancy as "it," as if dehumanizing you and your precious baby. I am so sorry you had to endure that; I wish I could say something more to take away the pain of that experience, and the pain of knowing the due date is approaching. But thank you for sharing and for your vulnerability, and I wish you magic baby dust, too!
ive been ttc since December 2017, have had 2 MC this year one in april and one in October.
the bit that pisses me off is when people say "oh your still young you have plenty of time" I don't care how old I am I have been trying for a reason and that's because I want a baby now not when im older.
or "don't worry just try again". like ive already had 2 MC do you think I want to keep going through this, everytime you see that second line I feel so much excitement but also dread of oh gosh what if its not good news again this time.
I do think it comes down to people feeling awkward and not really knowing what to say which I do understand, especially men.
im 27, never smoked very rarely drink maybe a couple times of year so I don't understand why its so hard for me to keep a baby.
Hi there, I am happy to see this rant made you glad! I am so sorry to hear of your two MC's. I had one a month and a half ago, so you aren't alone in that pain. And I am glad you mentioned the bit about people who point out age; I am also 27 years old, but I look even younger physically, so I hear that often and it frustrates me too because my husband and I always wanted two or three kids, but we're having a hard time even conceiving one! I have never smoked and also rarely drink, so it has been incredibly frustrating. When I miscarried and I was in the ER, the ER nurse said he and his wife were struggling to conceive too, and he said, "It's funny - we're all young, so you would think it wouldn't be this hard. For some reason, that implantation aspect is just so tricky." It still doesn't make it any easier when struggling to conceive, though. Thanks so much for sharing your story, and I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and MC's. Wishing you baby dust
I’ve got to say, very selfishly that all these posts are very comforting to me. Let me clarify: I hate that any of you (or anyone) have to go through this, and I don’t understand how people can be so heartless at times (although I do want to believe that for most people it is fully unintentional), but boy it is nice to know that it’s not just me!! I have actually not told anyone that my husband and I are TTC (by fear of getting more pressure if I say anything), but even without telling people, hurtful comments will still come your way: “omg! We had sex once and I was pregnant!” “You’re 30, surely you must be staring to think about having kids! A career isn’t everything you know...” (yes thank you person who I barely know, but actually it’s really none of your business) See, now I’m ranting
These kinds of posts and responses are always comforting to me, too! That's part of why I posted this in the first place; I had just read a book called Notes to Self by Emilie Pine, and she had a whole chapter dedicated to her experience TTC and having two MC's and finally deciding to step away after years of trying, and it felt so enlightening and validating seeing so many of my experiences written and tangible in the form of a book. This forum is so helpful for things like that, so I'm glad that this thread has helped you even just a bit! I know coming on here has helped me a lot
I can't believe people have said "A career isn't everything you know!" I get so upset when I hear comments like that, especially for my female friends who decide not to have kids, because that is totally a woman's choice, and it should be honored either way. It's honestly something insensitive to people who are struggling to conceive or infertile, or people who are more than happy without kids. I think people need to think before they speak!
I actually get this from my partner. He can be a bit insensitive without meaning to be. But I basically can't involve him in the TTC/TWW ordeals at all. I feel like I'm trying for this baby on my own. When I get my period and get disappointed, he tells me to stop being impatient. In the TWW of our first month TTC I wanted to go sober and he looked genuinely surprised and questioned it, then rolled his eyes when he realised it was in case I was pregnant, same with me stopping hot yoga and going back to regular yoga, he said, "But you LIKE hot yoga... you're not even pregnant yet!" and it's painful for two reasons, because my brains goes: a.oh yeah I'm pregnant what if I'm fertile panicpanicpanic and b. he doesn't seem to care that I'm not pregnant what if he's changed his mind about having kids panicpanicpanic
My mum has actually been surprisingly good, because she can be really insensitive about things as well, but I guess she's finally learned that she's got a sensitive daughter - better late than never! Although she will tell me to relax and it will happen, she says it in a way that feels supportive and caring if that makes sense, like she'll preface with a sympathetic "Oh I know"-sounding "Ooohhhh" and she only said "it will happen when it's meant to " once and then she switched it up to a confident, optimistic, "I think it's waiting another month because it wants to be a Leo like its' grandma!"
I don't dare talk about it with anyone else, I've actually stopped talking about it with my partner too. It's just too distressing, I rather just go through this journey alone and if/when I get pregnant, it can be a happy surprise for everyone else...
First of all, I am so sorry to hear your partner isn't supportive. My husband has been fairly supportive through all this, so I couldn't imagine going through it entirely alone. Do you think he is just nervous to be a dad so his reactions are masked as fear? My husband resisted TTC for a year or so longer than I would have liked because he had concerns and being a father freaked him out, and even when I was pregnant, just before I miscarried, he was genuinely scared. I think fatherhood freaks a lot of men out, so I would try to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel, because I think you deserve to have the best support system in the world going through this, especially since TTC gets more and more frustrating over time.
I am glad to hear your mom has been supportive though! I didn't actually mention this originally in my first post, but before my MC, my mom was someone who said very hurtful comments to me. Long story short, my sister is getting married this June (2020) and I am her MOH, and when my mom found out we were TTC, she sat me down and said, "Now, when you guys are trying and it's 9 months out, you need to consider skipping that month, because it's your sister's wedding, and that would be selfish." I was so floored that I didn't respond. Flash forward to last month, and I found out I was pregnant and the due date I projected online was a week before my sister's wedding; however, I MCed just a few days later. There was a small, illogical part of me that believed it was because my partner and I were screaming with laughter when we got the positive sign because we were thrilled to have a baby right before my sister's wedding as a middle finger to my mom, but I know that isn't why the MC happened. My mom has actually been amazing since the MC, and she has done a 180; I guess that's the one good thing to emerge from this.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent, but I hope that you know that at the very least this forum and this webpage is a good place for you to vent and talk whenever you should need it! My inbox is always open too. Wishing you baby dust!
I also have read all of these posts and do somewhat feel comforted by the fact that I'm not alone! I had a blighted ovum in July and have yet to get pregnant again (currently in the TWW.) My favorite one is "well, you must not be trying hard enough" followed by a laugh. First of all Susan, if following CM and checking my cervix along with tracking my ovulation isn't trying hard enough, guilty as charged. I also had a male friend of mine physically move my arms away from my stomach this weekend and look to see if I was pregnant yet, as literally every single one of my friends has kids, recently had a baby, or is currently pregnant (not even joking, from Dec-April we are expecting 4 babies.) It's hard enough with the pressure we put on ourselves without feeling judged by other people. I wish people would just be quiet and mind their own business!
Wow, that is so frustrating!! You have incredible restraint, because I would have punched Susan in the face lol!! And I haven't had anyone look at my stomach yet, but I would have definitely started crying and just in general freaking out. I am sorry to hear you are surrounded by pregnant friends; as selfish as this sounds, none of my friends are pregnant as they are all chasing careers and men still, so it's just me TTC, but I think if I were surrounded by good friends who had kids, that would make it more difficult and harder for me to process. I guess I'm a bitter person, lol. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience, and I am wishing you baby dust! I hope you have a positive at the end of this TWW, and I am right here with you (currently 11 DPO!)
ive been ttc since December 2017, have had 2 MC this year one in april and one in October.
the bit that pisses me off is when people say "oh your still young you have plenty of time" I don't care how old I am I have been trying for a reason and that's because I want a baby now not when im older.
or "don't worry just try again". like ive already had 2 MC do you think I want to keep going through this, everytime you see that second line I feel so much excitement but also dread of oh gosh what if its not good news again this time.
I do think it comes down to people feeling awkward and not really knowing what to say which I do understand, especially men.
im 27, never smoked very rarely drink maybe a couple times of year so I don't understand why its so hard for me to keep a baby.
Hi there, I am happy to see this rant made you glad! I am so sorry to hear of your two MC's. I had one a month and a half ago, so you aren't alone in that pain. And I am glad you mentioned the bit about people who point out age; I am also 27 years old, but I look even younger physically, so I hear that often and it frustrates me too because my husband and I always wanted two or three kids, but we're having a hard time even conceiving one! I have never smoked and also rarely drink, so it has been incredibly frustrating. When I miscarried and I was in the ER, the ER nurse said he and his wife were struggling to conceive too, and he said, "It's funny - we're all young, so you would think it wouldn't be this hard. For some reason, that implantation aspect is just so tricky." It still doesn't make it any easier when struggling to conceive, though. Thanks so much for sharing your story, and I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and MC's. Wishing you baby dust
Hiya
thankyou, im so sorry to hear about your MC. the frustrating bit for me now is not knowing when af is going to arrive so I cant even work out my cycle again yet, I think we are going to just go with the flow until after xmas and then go from there. my inbox is always open if you want to talk/vent/cry/laugh. wishing you lots of baby dust too!xx
I also have read all of these posts and do somewhat feel comforted by the fact that I'm not alone! I had a blighted ovum in July and have yet to get pregnant again (currently in the TWW.) My favorite one is "well, you must not be trying hard enough" followed by a laugh. First of all Susan, if following CM and checking my cervix along with tracking my ovulation isn't trying hard enough, guilty as charged. I also had a male friend of mine physically move my arms away from my stomach this weekend and look to see if I was pregnant yet, as literally every single one of my friends has kids, recently had a baby, or is currently pregnant (not even joking, from Dec-April we are expecting 4 babies.) It's hard enough with the pressure we put on ourselves without feeling judged by other people. I wish people would just be quiet and mind their own business!
Wow, that is so frustrating!! You have incredible restraint, because I would have punched Susan in the face lol!! And I haven't had anyone look at my stomach yet, but I would have definitely started crying and just in general freaking out. I am sorry to hear you are surrounded by pregnant friends; as selfish as this sounds, none of my friends are pregnant as they are all chasing careers and men still, so it's just me TTC, but I think if I were surrounded by good friends who had kids, that would make it more difficult and harder for me to process. I guess I'm a bitter person, lol. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience, and I am wishing you baby dust! I hope you have a positive at the end of this TWW, and I am right here with you (currently 11 DPO!)
How did you end up?? I got my BFP on Thanksgiving (11/28) so I am cautiously optimistic! Trying not to read too deep into every little cramp. Ugh, no one tells you about this part!!! Praying that this time is the right time. Fingers crossed for you!
Slightly different as we have never told anyone that we were ttc but I have a friend who is extremely nosey and competitive. She told everyone when they were ttc and was quite taken aback when we announced our first pregnancy as she said she didn't know we were trying and why didn't we tell her etc. Anyway, we both have two children. She has made it perfectly clear she is happy with two. However because she has that competitive edge....I know it sounds weird but she doesn't want me to have another. After my seconds birth, she questioned me for months on end about if we would have a third.... This then moved on to trying to convince us not to have a third child and how hard it would be etc (my dh and I have always responded to these questions with vague answers like "maybe" or "we haven't decided" etc). This has then escalated to if someone else asks me if we would like a third... She answers for me, telling them that I won't be having a third child etc. It didnt irritate me that much until we actually started ttc in May/June. Now I feel just generally upset that I can't see my friends without this topic coming up and her answering for me. I tried telling her in general ways that she shouldn't ask about ttc because you never know who is secretly dealing with infertility or mc etc but it doesn't seem to stop her. I have to be honest though... My first two children were conceived within the first month trying and so far this 7/8 cycle ttc number 3 has really thrown me. When I conceived my first two I used to joke among my friends that all my dh has to do was to look at me to get me pregnant. It was only after I said it that I realised how upsetting that might be to those who are ttc. I said it once and haven't said it again and I am even more mindful now of how I talk about ttc.
I needed to read this- not that i'd wish this on anyone but it's nice to know others feel the same! I have only been trying for four months so it could be so much worse and i'm very aware if that, but if one more person tells me to sodding relax..
I also have read all of these posts and do somewhat feel comforted by the fact that I'm not alone! I had a blighted ovum in July and have yet to get pregnant again (currently in the TWW.) My favorite one is "well, you must not be trying hard enough" followed by a laugh. First of all Susan, if following CM and checking my cervix along with tracking my ovulation isn't trying hard enough, guilty as charged. I also had a male friend of mine physically move my arms away from my stomach this weekend and look to see if I was pregnant yet, as literally every single one of my friends has kids, recently had a baby, or is currently pregnant (not even joking, from Dec-April we are expecting 4 babies.) It's hard enough with the pressure we put on ourselves without feeling judged by other people. I wish people would just be quiet and mind their own business!
Wow, that is so frustrating!! You have incredible restraint, because I would have punched Susan in the face lol!! And I haven't had anyone look at my stomach yet, but I would have definitely started crying and just in general freaking out. I am sorry to hear you are surrounded by pregnant friends; as selfish as this sounds, none of my friends are pregnant as they are all chasing careers and men still, so it's just me TTC, but I think if I were surrounded by good friends who had kids, that would make it more difficult and harder for me to process. I guess I'm a bitter person, lol. Anyway, thank you for sharing your experience, and I am wishing you baby dust! I hope you have a positive at the end of this TWW, and I am right here with you (currently 11 DPO!)
How did you end up?? I got my BFP on Thanksgiving (11/28) so I am cautiously optimistic! Trying not to read too deep into every little cramp. Ugh, no one tells you about this part!!! Praying that this time is the right time. Fingers crossed for you!
Hey @Aleeeson, congrats on your BFP; I'm so happy for you! I'm still waiting on a BFP, but I ovulated yesterday, so now it's onto the TWW. Fingers crossed!
Replies
My mum has actually been surprisingly good, because she can be really insensitive about things as well, but I guess she's finally learned that she's got a sensitive daughter - better late than never!
I don't dare talk about it with anyone else, I've actually stopped talking about it with my partner too. It's just too distressing, I rather just go through this journey alone and if/when I get pregnant, it can be a happy surprise for everyone else...
First I wanted to apologize for my absence from this thread and the forum; I'm a teacher scrambling to get things together before Thanksgiving break, and on top of everything I have been ill with sinus infection, so I haven't been up to doing anything more than binge watching The Office and sleeping. But now that I am back, I am all caught up on this forum, and wow, the support and amount of women who relate to this floored me in the best possible way! It breaks my heart to see how many other women relate to this, but at the same time, I am glad that this wasn't perceived as something that was just bitter and angry, and that everyone felt this was a safe space for disclosing their experiences, too. Someone in this thread mentioned the need for a support group for people who are TTC, and I wholeheartedly agree; but thank goodness we have these forums and such supportive, amazing women in the absence of those kinds of groups. So thank you all for listening to my frustrated and disappointed rant, and thank you even more for feeling comfortable with sharing your own experiences. I hope you all feel validated in sharing your experiences, and I hope that even though I did not get the chance to respond to every single person, I see each and every one of you and your stories
I can't believe people have said "A career isn't everything you know!" I get so upset when I hear comments like that, especially for my female friends who decide not to have kids, because that is totally a woman's choice, and it should be honored either way. It's honestly something insensitive to people who are struggling to conceive or infertile, or people who are more than happy without kids. I think people need to think before they speak!
I am glad to hear your mom has been supportive though! I didn't actually mention this originally in my first post, but before my MC, my mom was someone who said very hurtful comments to me. Long story short, my sister is getting married this June (2020) and I am her MOH, and when my mom found out we were TTC, she sat me down and said, "Now, when you guys are trying and it's 9 months out, you need to consider skipping that month, because it's your sister's wedding, and that would be selfish." I was so floored that I didn't respond. Flash forward to last month, and I found out I was pregnant and the due date I projected online was a week before my sister's wedding; however, I MCed just a few days later. There was a small, illogical part of me that believed it was because my partner and I were screaming with laughter when we got the positive sign because we were thrilled to have a baby right before my sister's wedding as a middle finger to my mom, but I know that isn't why the MC happened. My mom has actually been amazing since the MC, and she has done a 180; I guess that's the one good thing to emerge from this.
Anyway, I got off on a tangent, but I hope that you know that at the very least this forum and this webpage is a good place for you to vent and talk whenever you should need it! My inbox is always open too. Wishing you baby dust!
thankyou, im so sorry to hear about your MC.
the frustrating bit for me now is not knowing when af is going to arrive so I cant even work out my cycle again yet, I think we are going to just go with the flow until after xmas and then go from there.
my inbox is always open if you want to talk/vent/cry/laugh.
wishing you lots of baby dust too!xx