RANT: The Hurtful/Ignorant Comments People Say to You While You are TTC

Okay ladies, I hope you don't mind, but I need to rant, and if anyone else feels compelled to join in or has other similar stories, please by all means, join in!

So as many of you may know, my husband and I have been TTC since February of this year, so soon it will be almost a full year now, which is extremely frustrating for me. We did technically conceive successfully once, back in early October, but it ended a little after four weeks as a chemical pregnancy/MC, and that has made it ten times more painful and more difficult. I know there are people who have it a lot worse on their TTC journey, but when my husband and I started this journey, neither of us expected it to be this difficult. I mean, everyone is taught as teenagers that one can become pregnant so easily, right? And the rom-coms make it look so easy, too. (laughs bitterly)

Okay, I digress. So anyway, the point of this post is that I made the poor decision of telling family and friends, and while a (select) few have been supportive, especially in light of my MC back in October, others have been less than supportive. Here are some crappy responses I've received that I am so sick of hearing:

1. "Trying to have a baby is like falling in love, it happens slowly and surely, so just relax!" - said to me by a friend who, after I told her I was TTC, wrinkled her nose as if she smelled something sour and replied, "Why would you ever want to have kids? I never want to have kids, ever!" (which, btw, is a totally fine response! As a self-proclaimed feminist, I respect women who do not want kids just as much as I respect women who do want children. But then why would you say something so ignorant and frankly hurtful to me after confessing that you never want kids when you clearly can't relate to the struggles of conceiving, nor do you ever desire to relate?) She has since moved out of state so we no longer talk, but had I had the courage to say more than just "okay," I would have told her that pissing on my hand every cycle just so I can attempt to track my ovulation and sobbing on the ground after an MC is not the way I remember falling in love with my husband. I digress to the next point -

2. "Enjoy the journey!" - said to me TWICE; the first time it was my doctor, and the second time it was one of my good friends from graduate school. The doctor said cheerfully (not sarcastically) and with a huge grin plastered across her face at THE END OF MY FIRST APPOINTMENT AFTER I MISCARRIED, and it felt like rubbing salt in an open, blistered wound, and I managed to run out of the office before exploding into ugly, hot tears in my car. I called my mom and cried the entire way home while she comforted me, and I am hesitant to return to this doctor because it just hurt so much and invalidated my pain during such a difficult time. The second time was my friend, just yesterday, who told me to enjoy the journey of having kids, and again, I had just spoken about the pain of my MC with her, as well, so it felt a bit tone-deaf, to be honest. I think part of this is because my friend, while older with one grown, adult son and grandkids of her own, has never experienced an MC, and she has hinted that her pregnancy was more or less a surprise, so she doesn't relate to the struggle of TTC, either.

3. Last but not least: "Don't stress and worry so much, you won't ever get pregnant that way!" - said to me by countless, countless, countless people, including my own mother at one point, who has thankfully stopped saying this since my MC. This one, while true to an extent, straight up pisses me off; how is being an anxious person going to shrivel up any sperm in my reproductive system and thus reduce my chances of conceiving? Does being naturally anxious or worried from time to time send a message from my brain to my reproductive system? Please, I would love to know. If anything, doesn't it help to be a little more anxious because it means I'm aware of my cycles and I am refraining from drinking alcohol and I am attempting to take care of myself during the two week wait? 

Okay now that I have this all typed up and I've reread it and I look extremely bitter and angry and upset, I will say I do feel a bit better lol. Part of me just needed to get this all out here because literally no one else in my life (aside from my husband) understands since they are either A. Extremely fertile and fall pregnant (and stay pregnant!) easily and quickly, or B. Not interested in having children. 

Anyone else relate to any of these? Or is there anything that people say to you that pisses you off in terms of TTC? I'm all ears! 
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  • I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I haven’t had those comments exactly, but we do have a son who is 7, and we used to get all the time “it’s so mean of you to only have one kid” “when are you going to have another?” And up until this summer, we didn’t want to have anymore. But to be told that I am “mean” for only having 1 kid is really harsh! Again, I am sorry you have had to hear those comments. TTC is hard and stressful, but I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that good things are in your future ❤️
  • edited Nov 10, 2019 12:40AM
    I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I haven’t had those comments exactly, but we do have a son who is 7, and we used to get all the time “it’s so mean of you to only have one kid” “when are you going to have another?” And up until this summer, we didn’t want to have anymore. But to be told that I am “mean” for only having 1 kid is really harsh! Again, I am sorry you have had to hear those comments. TTC is hard and stressful, but I am keeping my fingers crossed for you that good things are in your future ❤️
    Oh my God that is awful! I can't believe how rude people can be when I hear things like that because I could never imagine saying this to another person.

    But anyway, thank you for reading this and thank you for your encouragement <3 It feels so validating to receive this kind of support on this forum. And I am so sorry someone said those comments to you in the past! Like you said, that really isn't anyone's business, and that isn't selfish or rude of you if you both only wanted one child. Again, I don't know why people's comments floor me, but they truly do sometimes!! It's like people don't think before they speak or something...
  • I totally relate girl. My friends try, but they don't get it. My closest friend had always told me how she struggled to get pregnant, and I knew she had a MC before getting pregnant with her first son, so I always thought she'd be the most supportive and helpful, but that wasn't the case. She always just says "relax. It will happen when it's meant to" and that drives me nuts. 
    My mom doesn't know we are trying (we've also been trying since February) and she always makes comments about how easily she got pregnancy and that when I'm ready it will happen like that (she snaps) and I want to just scream at her. 
    My friends who aren't mom's tell me to just enjoy my time and "it will happen when it's meant to"
    I think they mean well, but just don't know what to say. I won't tell you to relax, because I know what this feels like, but I do know why people say that. When you stress your body produces cortisol hormone which leads to Immune, Digestive and Reproductive suppression.  So that's what they mean, but I have yet to find a way to just "enjoy the process" when the process leaves me sobbing on the floor wondering what's wrong with me and why is this so hard. 
    I wish you the best of luck and baby dust
  • It shocks me sometimes how rude people can really be! I can’t imagine going up to someone and saying something so rude, but some people do it and it doesn’t even bother them!
  • I totally relate girl. My friends try, but they don't get it. My closest friend had always told me how she struggled to get pregnant, and I knew she had a MC before getting pregnant with her first son, so I always thought she'd be the most supportive and helpful, but that wasn't the case. She always just says "relax. It will happen when it's meant to" and that drives me nuts. 
    My mom doesn't know we are trying (we've also been trying since February) and she always makes comments about how easily she got pregnancy and that when I'm ready it will happen like that (she snaps) and I want to just scream at her. 
    My friends who aren't mom's tell me to just enjoy my time and "it will happen when it's meant to"
    I think they mean well, but just don't know what to say. I won't tell you to relax, because I know what this feels like, but I do know why people say that. When you stress your body produces cortisol hormone which leads to Immune, Digestive and Reproductive suppression.  So that's what they mean, but I have yet to find a way to just "enjoy the process" when the process leaves me sobbing on the floor wondering what's wrong with me and why is this so hard. 
    I wish you the best of luck and baby dust
    You touched on something I should have said earlier; I definitely concede to the fact that most of my family and friends, if not all, have the absolute best intentions at heart with these remarks, and that they are most likely saying these things only because they care about me, and logically, I know this. But when people repeat it over and over, and as you said, when this process leaves me sobbing on the floor and feeling as though I am broken and something isn't right with my body, then it feels like their comments only magnify that pain. And you are insightful in saying people do not know what to say; almost all of my friends have said almost nothing about my MC, but I know it's because they have no idea what to say, so it's easier to avoid it, and I want to pretend I'm fine, too, so I go along with it. I think we as a society just stigmatize so much of these issues, so when people go through it and no one else is talking about it openly, that doesn't help, either. 

    Thank you for responding and sharing with me on this post. I am so sorry to hear you have been TTC since February and struggling, as well. I will also hope for the best for you and your journey! 
  • As an aside, if anyone is a reader and interested in an engaging book that is relatable and touches on the issue of infertility/the journeys and struggles of TTC, I would highly recommend Emilie Pine's new memoir, Notes to Self. She has an essay entitled, "From the Baby Years," and almost everything about it made me nod in agreement or sob and cry or even laugh out loud because she voices every emotion I have felt this past year. It feels so validating and gratifying reading someone else's experiences when so much of literature and media aren't speaking about the journey of TTC and the frustrations and hardships that come along with that experience.
  • my favorite one is "isnt it about time for u to have kids?" or "your just trying to hard" .....like ok like not trying at all for the last 4.5 years has helped me get pregnant ......the look on ppls faces when they ask the first one when i say well actually we have been trying for 3 months now lol priceless
  • Some people are very thick skinned and rude, I remember I went to the docs for a check up years ago wen we wanted a second child and I was concerned about conceiving as I have coeliac disease and heard various stories about this and fertility, and the gp looked at me and she scrunched her face up and said well are you desperate?? I thought what a odd comment to come from a gp when I had gone to see her and ask advice about trying for a second child..... Last year a so called friend of mine who has since shown her true colours, when I told her I was thinking about having a fourth child she said but why.... I said well I've been thinking about having one more... But seriously why though she asked!? She only has one and has had her late and is very self centered when it come to putting her needs before the child's so I can see why this is her opinion. Me and my partner have been together 24 yrs and are happy if we want another than that is that... Some people really get up your back don't they 🙄
  • Totally know how you feel! I miscarried in October 2018 and pretty much every month I symptom spot just to be disappointed each month. My best friend has since fallen pregnant accidentally and had bleeding in her first couple weeks so was asking me a lot of questions - which I didn't mind to an extent but it was still super hard to deal with cause she didn't want it yet but I so desperately did!!
    My only advice really, which actually probably isn't very helpful, is to stop talking to people about it. I found a little bit of relief when I just starting to ignore the subject completely with people who didn't really understand how I felt, and worked out who the few were who I can still let my feelings out too that would have a bit of compassion.
    When I miscarried, the doctor at the hospital basically told me id lost the pregnancy and that I was healthy enough to try again whenever and to get out. I know she'll have to deal with it every day but a little empathy for my first loss and pregnancy would have gone a long way - I don't understand the way some people are but hey ho, you can't change them I suppose!
    Anyway, I really hope you and your husband are okay 💖
  • Hey ladies! Some people just don’t realise how much words can hurt.
    after my early miscarriage I found myself comfort eating, not a lot, but just popping to the vending machine at work for a bit of chocolate (you know how it is 😊) anyways when I was on my way I said I’m starving today (slight exaggeration of words but who cares) and the reply I got was “your not pregnant are you” instantly my blood was boiling! Your not pregnant?! Excuse me?! I’m a married woman, I have every right to be pregnant. Anyway I saw read and I made the b***h feel as awkward as she made me, I replied with “I was but lost it” and carried on. Rant over. I’m currently in the TWW but to all of you who have conceived I hope you have a healthy 9 months and to those of you still trying to conceive I wish you lots of baby dust xx 
  • @the-emperor-of-ice-cream GOOD ON U for raising this topic...!! I totally feel for u. Honestly...
    My worst experience when TTC has unfortunately ended in having 2 missed miscarriages in a row... BUT to the doctors/gynaecologist/nurses etc etc my baby (i call it my baby no matter how many weeks i was) was referred to as a 'PRODUCT' OR 'TISSUE'
    'THE PRODUCT IS STILL INSIDE SO WE NEED TO GET RID OF ALL THE PRODUCT INSIDE U'
    'THERE IS STILL TISSUE LEFT INSIDE U'

    They dont refer to the miscarriage as a baby they simply call IT pieces of tissue or product. I dont know why but for me personally i found that really hard to digest as i felt i couldnt grieve properly. As i felt stupid/silly crying over so called product. Now 6months later i am trying to be alot stronger but every time a due date is nearing i feel so sad and upset...

    Also the 'friends' who i have told they just say oh well this celebrity or this person had a baby at 40 etc etc. I am 35 and have no kids. 99% of my friends are married with kids. And they constantly ask why u havent had kids yet blah blah. They dont understand the struggle... anyway enough of my rant.

    I wish u all alot of magic baby dust and hope whoever is TTC u will get some very good news and if u have already concieved i pray u have a healthy pregnancy and make it to full term and have beautiful healthy babies 🙏🙏🙏🙏
  • So sorry to hear of your mc and how you have been spoken to 😔 this is one of the main reasons I have barely told anyone we are ttc. I cant be doing with comments like that when i am worried and hard enough on myself as it is!

    What frustrates me is that several people around me are having babies, some of whom say it was 'unplanned'or 'just happened'. It is especially hurtful and infuriating when it is people who do not lead healthy lifestyles who smoke/do drugs etc and arent even trying and here I am being as healthy as possible and never done anything like that, tracking ovulation, taking supplements etc. It has led me to actually be quite bitter and not want to see those friends anymore  

    Like you say, it is crazy how as teenagers we are told how easy getting pregnant is and seeing all these programmes like 'teen mom' seem to make it look so easy too. But from all of us in here who are struggling, it does make me wonder how anyone ever gets pregnant! 

    Sorry, that was a bit of a rant for me too! Hope you feel better soon and will keep my fingers crossed for you xxx
  • i dont understand why theres no support groups for ttc 
  • I am so sorry you have to put up with these comments. People don’t think before they speak! I’m TTC number 2 but had 3 MC before my 1st. When I got pg for the 4th time I asked the doc about vitamins and she said let’s just see if this one is viable. My mum told me to pull myself together after my 3rd MC and asked me when I’ll start trying again. 
    TTC is tough enough without these comments. I’ve been trying 10 months now and think I’m out again this month. We’ve got family coming at the weekend and when I said I wouldn’t be drinking my mum and aunt both smiled and raised their eyebrows. It’s because you’ve asked me to pick them up and drop them at the train station!!! Sometimes you don’t even need comments 😂
    I fully support your rant and if you ever need a rant feel free to message me as this is a sore point for me too!!
    Keeping everything crossed for you xx
  • I am so glad to read this rant!

    ive been ttc since December 2017, have had 2 MC this year one in april and one in October.

    the bit that pisses me off is when people say "oh your still young you have plenty of time" I don't care how old I am I have been trying for a reason and that's because I want a baby now not when im older. 

    or "don't worry just try again". like ive already had 2 MC do you think I want to keep going through this, everytime you see that second line I feel so much excitement but also dread of oh gosh what if its not good news again this time.

    I do think it comes down to people feeling awkward and not really knowing what to say which I do understand, especially men. 

    im 27, never smoked very rarely drink maybe a couple times of year so I don't understand why its so hard for me to keep a baby.  
  • I'm so sorry for anyone struggling to conceive and i can't imagine the pain that comes from a miscarriage.

    We were trying for a little over a year before i fell pregnant. I kept it quiet but at first my husband told people we were trying. When it didn't happen immediately he started getting jokes about how he was "firing blanks" etc and it made him feel awful. It's not supportive and not somebody's punch line.

    Wishing you all the very best and that you get the outcome you're hoping for soon xx
  • A stupid guy once asked a friend of mine whether her husband was ‘putting it in the right hole’. If it was me, I’d rip his head out of his body, make a bowl out of it and encourage local homeless cats to use it as a urinal. Honestly, how insensitive can one be? 
  • I'm sorry you have been having such a difficult time but I know how you feel. My husband and myself have been trying for 8 months now in which time 7 friends or coworkers have announced their pregnancies (some after only a month or so of trying). 
    Our parents, a few friends and some coworkers know that we are trying but sometimes they still say the most ridiculous or insensitive things! Some of the highlights of these have been:
     'are you going to have kids soon as you will be an old mother you know' (I'm 31 by the way!)
    'Just relax and it will happen'
    'Stop trying and it will happen'
    'Are you having enough sex?'
    And the one which made me really panic only last week 'you guys better hurry up, it took me 10 years of trying and 2 rounds of IVF to have kids'
    I know they mean well but at this point I'm already terrified we might be infertile so it really doesn't help at all!!
    Sending you baby dust!

  • Thanks so much for posting this forum. I have a friend that’s TTC and I’m so worried about saying the wrong thing.  Before I even met my husband people would tell me I need to hurry up and get pregnant (all I need is a sperm donation of some sort), because I’m in my 30s. In hindsight it did affect me as the minute I got married I started to put unbelievable pressure on myself and my husband to get pregnant. Then I got really stressed when I got pregnant that because I’m “geriatric” something would go wrong. I have a healthy 11 month old now. It’s all very bizarre that people, even strangers can put this kind of pressure on people at what can be a very hard time. Oh and btw now I’m getting the whole...when are you having the next one cos your LO needs a friend...already. Or worse, people see my post baby tummy and incorrectly assume baby number two is enroute. Now I’m older I just tell people there’s something wrong with them when they say things like that. Comments like these are toxic and unnecessary. 
  • I’ve got to say, very selfishly that all these posts are very comforting to me. Let me clarify: I hate that any of you (or anyone) have to go through this, and I don’t understand how people can be so heartless at times (although I do want to believe that for most people it is fully unintentional), but boy it is nice to know that it’s not just me!! I have actually not told anyone that my husband and I are TTC (by fear of getting more pressure if I say anything), but even without telling people, hurtful comments will still come your way: “omg! We had sex once and I was pregnant!” “You’re 30, surely you must be staring to think about having kids! A career isn’t everything you know...” (yes thank you person who I barely know, but actually it’s really none of your business)
    See, now I’m ranting :D
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