Another month without those 2 lines
Sat here at working from home alone in flood of tears as my period came, 2 days early. 16 months we have been trying and still no baby in my arms. I honestly have never felt heartbreak like this, and for the heartbreak to appear every month it really does feel like someone is shattering my heart. I feel angry, sad, bitter, jealous of everyone else who has their 2 lines or their baby in their arms.
How and what do we do next!? We’ve spoken about doctors so I called the GP, no appoint for 3 weeks, which doesn’t work as it all needs to coincide with my cycle. Do we just go private straight away and have tests done just in case there’s an issue? What if there’s nothing they can do? These are the thoughts that go through my head, that I just can’t shake. Everyone asks and says you next, hurry up and have another one (my son is 10, not my partners) and I honestly want to scream and slap them in the face. I know they mean well but when it’s not happening it feels like they are twisting the knife. You get people say well you’ve got one already you’re lucky, yes I am but at this moment in time I don’t feel lucky that my body isn’t doing what it is supposed to do. I long for the moment that I’ve got my baby in my my arms, giving my son a brother/sister. How do I get past this feeling of gut wrenching pain and physical pains in my heart!?
I’m sorry for the long rant, I really needed to get all of this off my chest. My partner is great, but he doesn’t have the physical reminder that it’s just not happening for us and he tries so hard to stay positive and optimistic for us both but I’m at the point now where I’m deflated, defeated and broken and I don’t know where to go from here.