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Feeling so anxious - frightened to take a test

So I'm 40 years old with a 3 year old daughter (conceived 2nd month of trying at age 36) and my DH and I are TTC baby number 2.

We've been loosly tracking and not using any contraception for about a year now but only really started 'actively trying' about 6 months ago - around the same time that my regular as clock work 33/34 day cycle suddenly started going haywire! Last month it was 37 days (negative test), the month before 39 days (negative test).... the months before that varied from 30 days to 37 days!

I'm currently on cycle day 38 and no sign of AF but I've convinced myself it's because I'm pre-menopausal and I'm just not going to be able to conceive now.

This month though I do 'feel' different, particularly my boobs which feel very heavy and sensitive and my stomach is really churning (but that could just be the anxiety). I had no symptoms at all the last two months when i was late but still felt disappointed with the negative tests which makes me terrified about testing and getting another BFN this time round!

I just suddenly realised how much I want this to happen for us.

And then I freak out about my age and possible complications or MC even if I did fall pregnant. My anxiety is through the roof.

Sorry, not even sure what the point of the post is, I'm just an emotional wreck today and needed to vent so thank you to anyone reading. Is anyone in a similar boat?
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