PLEASE please please! Help me! I need some inportant answers

Hi all,
Quick Intro, I'm Spencer, 24 years old and trying to have a baby with my girlfriend Kirsty, 25 this Monday!
I desperatly need help with hormouns!!

I just signed up today because my girlfriend is giving me mixed signals and I need help, I really do!
Basicaly some times it's like she loves me and others like she doesn't wanna be with me.


My girlfriend and I planned to have a baby in August, at the end of September we found out she was pregnany after many negative on tests, Early October she was bleeding and we had a scan and found out we had lost our baby. image

Her mum said we should try again straight away eventhough the midwife and experts said wait 2 full periods. Anyway, My girlfrind is 8 weeks preggo and we just seen the midwife on Wednesday. All going well so far.

My problem is the hormons though, Past 2 months she's said theres something wrong in our relationship and she doesn't feel the same about us anymore. We broke up last week and got back together 6 days after whilst still having little contact with each other, After 3 days of splitting up I went to drop something off to her place and we basicaly started kissing in my car, She said her heart was pounding and it was great like when we first met again (Old school mates, Havn't seen each other in 8 years or so - Since school!)
I really do feel like she doesn't love me because she doesn't show me any affection anymore, Txt msgs used to be " I love you xxxxxx" Now there just "Love you x" I've spoken to her about how I'm feeling and saying I feel like she doesnt love me and doesnt show me any affection, At first she said I was being stupid and need to grow up and other times she says she feels that theres something wrong between us and probabley won't work.

Last night we had sex and as soon as our heads touched the pillows she started going on about how she should get rid of the baby :evil: She already has a 5 year old girl with a complete idiot who done a runner when he found out, Hes the same age as me and has 4 kids by 3 different girls, Kaci (Step daughter) called me daddy which I love and as far as im concerned she's my own and after trying for a baby, losing it and now having another chance she's talking about getting rid of it which is messing up my mind. Her X Grant, Nobody likes him much, Last night she said that he was a better boyfriend then I was (I've worked all my life unlike him, I've applied to go into the Army untill I found out she was pregnant again then I cancelled my app, Not to mention aswell he looks like a complete pig!)
When we first got together she told me that she hated being a single mum and a few months after that she told me I was her soul mate, Last night she told me that she perfered to be a single mother.
She doesn't wanna spend time with me neither, She doesn't work just sits down her mums place all day after dropping her child off and untill she picks her up from school. When I ask if she wants to hang out for the day she doesnt seem intrested atall, I have to wait till gone 7 to go round her place and leave early in the morning because she has to get KAci ready for school, Weekemds we dont spend time together aswell because she has to see her Aunt and on Sundays round her mums place again.

Basicaly what im getting at is, HELP ME! :\?
Is this anything to do with hormons? Getting pregnany straight after a misscarrage?
Or doesn't she generally wanna spend time with me?

Please, All advise is welcome as I really need help about this.

Thanks,






[Modified by: Melzas on 10 December 2009 22:55:59 ]

Posts

  • I would imagine your girlfriend has many many emotions going round in her head at the moment, lots of them negative.

    When you say that you feel she doesn't love you cos she doesn't show you affection - it may be that she is grieving over the loss of her baby, while trying to get her head round being pregnant again. Lots of ladies feel that they want to get pregnant straight away after a miscarriage, and so perhaps for your girlfriend being intimate became a tool rather than something that brought you closer together, and now she just isn't interested. This isn't because she doesn't love you, but because she has so many conflicting and powerful emotions and thoughts going on. She may feel that it was her fault that she miscarried, and guilty that she fell pregnant again so quickly, and scared that this pregnancy will end in a miscarriage too.

    I would suggest that you sit down with her and have an honest conversation about how you both feel about the relationship and about the new pregnancy. There are no guarantee's that she will change her mind about keeping the baby or staying with you, but at least you will have closure.

    Good luck
  • i agree with moonandstars but it doea also sound liek she's being a bit unfai and unreasonable to me! (sorry!) we all deal with different things differently but from what you've said you've tried to be as supportive as poss. Could she be suffering from some sort of depression? maybe linked to the mc or otherwise... it certainly sounds like it... does she not work or anything? i would try chatting to her, maybe speak to you're own GP about depression or google it. Just be careful how you broach it with her as you don't wana rock the ship any more! good luck! x
  • Hi Spencer!

    I agree you need to speak to her as it all is a bit confused right now.

    I can only speak from my own experience. When I had my ectopic pregnancy in September, each time I would receive a bit of bad news (there was lots over an 8 week period) I would respond by being very angry, upset but would reject all forms of comfort from my husband until I had digested the information.

    We all react differently to situations and from the outside it looked as though I was being a total cow to hubby as I didn't want cuddles, I didn't want to reassure him how much I loved him I wanted to deal with the situation I was in and my only concern was my baby.

    My husband was brilliant and understood this was th eonly way I could cope so would just be with me but totally focused on my needs.

    I would stress that this was only for periods of about an hour or 2 at a time. SInce the medical side of things were over there have been different times where we've both needed and received the affection of the other. I found the point I would have been 12 weeks unbearable. Hbby is struggling more now.

    What i'm trying to get at is that your girlfriend is no doubt coming to terms with th eloss of your baby and is probablely terrified of something happening to this baby.

    If i'm honest if my hubby started getting upset about whether my texts said I love you or love you it would annoy the hell out of me as when you have lost a baby it makes you realise what is worth worrying about and what is not.

    Also blaming hormones would also annoy me as it's like sayig how she feels is irrational because "it's her hormones".

    It sounds like there is a lack of communication and she is obviously lucky that you care so much to try and sort it out. I think she sounds very frightened x x
  • Thanks for the reply image
    I was speaking to a friends mum last night who's had a few children and she actually made me feel happy and fell asleep nicely instead of worrying a lot about what's going to happen. I also just wanna say thank to you 3 the reply as they've helped me understand a little more.

    I can understad her head is all over the place and scared about losing another baby, She's the onle looking after it at the moment inside her and having misscarried ofcourse it must feel like its your fault when it's not, She understand that it happens to 8/10 women.

    If I had ask'd her to sit down and talk about it I don't think she'll be up for it, All she'll say is something like "Theres nothing to talk about" or "It's too late now anyway"

    So do you guys think it's best if I didn't txt her throughout the day asking how she is and after school asking how her other child is? Possiabley in the morning aswell when I dont stay there (Havn't done in about 3 weeks? except for the other night) Asking how them both are and if they slept well ? That's all I txt her really, During the day I might be lucky to get a small convo going about what shes doing or what shes done but apart from that it's something like "Morning, Hope you and Kaci slept alright" Evenings would be like "Hope you and Kaci had a good day, sweet dreams"

    I have to admit, When we did speak about "us" not long ago I did blame her hormons :roll: I said before this second pregnancy everything was fine and the midwife did say leave it 2 full periods so the body can deal with it, She agreed with me and then we settled it at that, I didn't blame her body just said the hormons aren't her fault so I reassued her.

    So do you think it sounds like she still does want me as a partner and it is the hormons getting in the way? I know another factor is Kaci, Her 5 year old, I've said to her a million times that I will make sure Kaci won't go without, I've even told her what my Nan used to do, On our Birthdays she used to buy presents for the other person so they didn't feel left out, As it's always been just her and Kaci and she doesn't fully understand sharing etc...

    Kirsty is feeling ill at the moment, some bug going around so I've told her im only a txt msg away if she needs anything so hopfully that's not too much clingyness! image
  • Sorry to read of your problems. I hate to be negative but I don't think the signs are looking very good really. The fact that she spends all day at her Mum's after dropping her daughter off at school is a bit odd. I do think that she sounds like she needs to do a bit of growing up.

    It sounds like her Mum is too much of an influence in her life but I guess her Mum was the one to support her when things went wrong with her ex. Still it sounds like she has a really great guy in you and doesn't appreciate what she's got.

    I think she sounds confused and scared too. I think a termination would totally destroy her.

    After mc, you do go through good weeks and bad weeks, ups and downs, so maybe she'll pull through.

    Good luck

  • Sorry to read of your problems. I hate to be negative but I don't think the signs are looking very good really. The fact that she spends all day at her Mum's after dropping her daughter off at school is a bit odd. I do think that she sounds like she needs to do a bit of growing up.

    It sounds like her Mum is too much of an influence in her life but I guess her Mum was the one to support her when things went wrong with her ex. Still it sounds like she has a really great guy in you and doesn't appreciate what she's got.

    I think she sounds confused and scared too. I think a termination would totally destroy her.

    After mc, you do go through good weeks and bad weeks, ups and downs, so maybe she'll pull through.

    Good luck

    x

    Her mum has 2 jobs and her dad has 3. So half the time it's just her younger sister who's at college some days. They have always worked hard to keep their 7 children! All healthy and no problems, My girlfriends oldest sister has 4 children and have misscarried 2, One recent but pregnant again and a week after ours, All 4 of her children are girls and the 2 she has lost were boys.

    Kirsty says she's been looking for work but to be honest I think she can do a lot more. Theres a cash n' carry opposite her road almost who are looking for people, It's not much but the hours would be great and it's a 5 min walk from her house and a 5 min walk to the school! Perfect right?
    Her x boyfriend made her give her job up as a dental nurse which she said she really enjoyed doing.

    I understand about up's and down's on hormons and I think that has hit the nail on the head. This morning it seemed like she was a little grumpy when I said morning, how are you both, is Kaci going to school etc... and I left it as that, but now she's been txting me asking what I've been doing and I let her know that im a txt away if she needs me etc..

    I think the reason why I'm taking this so hard is because I've never really been around pregnant women or babies in my whole life so it's 100% new to me and it does scare me a little but mainly because I'd rather have Kirsty as my girlfriend rather then my childs mother.

    Does any of what I said sound normal-ish and it could just be me being too emotional and soppy??
  • I don't think you're being emotional or soppy, you clearly love her and want to make it work. Unfortunately you can't do this on your own.

    Has it always been like this or is it recent? It seems to be very much on her terms at the moment. It seemed to be when you finshed for a dew days that she started having feelins again.

    Maybe she's not used to a man being nice to her? That's not really your problem though!

    Losing a baby is hard and I prob did give my hubby a hard time, but for an hour if that not weeks on end.

    Personally I would want to know where I stood and what the problem was. It can't carry on like this when you are going to have a baby together.

    There does come a point where you have to pull yourself togetherr and get a grip!
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