Back after a break-TTC has reached a new all time low!!

I thought I would come back and join you ladies. Was hanging around in here last year after having a MMC in March 2009, but decided to have a bit of a break over the Xmas break and I was also busy moving house in December so had lots to take my mind of TTC.

But, I'm back and realising sometimes this is the only place where you can get the support you really need. So here goes.

We are now in our 10th month of TTC since the MMC and I'm pretty fed up with it all. Recently I have been having horrible flashbacks to the MC, and have also been getting upset that at the time of the MC I had to sign a piece of paper in the hospital to say they could destroy the foetus. I think at the time the only way I could deal with this was to convince myself it hadn't been a life. BUT, now I have been getting upset, because I don't know what happened to the life we created and I feel like I might just as well have thrown it in the bin! I have spoken with DH, and feel a bit better about this now. I think I need to do something like plant a tree in the garden to acknowledge what happened.
So, 10 months on still feeling pretty upset about it, but am more determined than ever that I want a baby. But, despite trying to chill out about TTC, I have become a woman possessed armed with my CBFM which I feels gives me a bit of control over an otherwise uncontrollable thing. I'm on the fourth month of using it and getting impatient. So stupidly, I decided to consult some -Rune Stones', and asked them whether I would ever have children. Out of all the things they could have said, it came up with I am trying to change something in my life, it is out of my control and there will be difficulties along the way, and finally a pregnancy will be unlikely?????? Very spooky and very upsetting. DH told me off and said they are a load of old rubbish and I can't let something like that dictate my life to me. I know he is right, but it has still upset me.
And finally, last night, I think the pressure of it all has finally hit DH!! Until now, I think he has been blissfully going along in a little world ignorant of the whole TTC process. I have tried to keep sex about sex, and have rarely told him that I am pouncing on him because it is the right time of the month. BUT, enough is enough and I have finally told him what's what. So this week is my fertile window and I have made it clear to him that there needs to be lots of BDing. Managed to BD on 2 highs so far and last night was my first Peak. Was getting down to business, and everything seemed to be going alright, but then it kind of didn't happen, and I'm pretty sure for the first time in my life (God I can't believe I am confessing this) he may have faked it because it just wasn't going to happen!!!!!! I never ever in my life, thought TTC would end like this. Why oh why did I foolishly think that I would only have to look at DH to get that BFP. So, I feel bad for him, I hate the fact sex is not sex anymore but BDing, I'm a bit peeved that on at Peak I'm pretty sure none of his fellows will be making the epic journey to my egg, and I'm almost certain my chances of anything happening on my 2nd peak tonight will be a big fat zero! AND, even if I try and spice things up a bit (which I do), he still knows deep down that for this one week all I really want is to make a baby.
So is it time to say enough is enough, ditch my CBFM, forget about TTC and just try to get on with life and enjoying ourselves, and if something happens then brilliant. Or do I continue on my mission which ultimately will end up at the Dr's if nothing happens soon, which will put more pressure of DH, and probably affect his performance even more! I sometimes wish I could rewind my life to pre TTC, when I was blissfully happy unaware of the madness I was about to embark on.

Sorry for the long rambling post, but feels better to write it down.
Jo x

Posts

  • Hi Josie

    I remember you hun.

    You sound completley fed up hun, sorry.

    When it seems to take ages or there are sad things along the way like mc we can start to feel a bit desperate.

    I think you need to take a deep breath to start with.

    You've answered your question I think without realising, you both feel that ttc is becoming to clinical & your not enjoying it anymore cause you both feel under pressure to perform on demand.

    Maybe it would be a brave thing to do & ditch the cbfm for a few months, I have done it in the past when it got like this I completley relaxed somehow & put ttc at the back of my mind & it happened when least expected.

    May also be worth making a GP appt if it's coming on 10 months now may be good to discuss how your feeling about the previous mc, ttc & how anxious you feel about it all.

    May be good to sit down & talk to hubby about how anxious you have been feeling & see what you ca both do to try & get it back to pre ttc days.

    Do some romatic stuff together that can lead onto sex so it doesnt feel clinical that way you'll feel a lot less relaxed & like your doing it for the fun & loving side of things.

    Hope that helps in some way hun, I bet just getting things off your chest has helped a little.

    Sending you lots of hugs xxxx

    Once you feel in a better place I think it will happen for you hun.

  • Hi there Jo
    Your post really made sense to me. We are almost in the same boat. I have not posted on here since about October - read sometimes but try to not get obsessed.
    I also had MMC in April - got pregnant really quickly last year and now on month 9, still no BFP and no idea what is going on with my body. My cycles have generally been 30 days with OV on CD17. but sometimes longer. I started using the CBFM last cycle and it was sort of perfect, got lows, one high and then peaks on CD16 and 17 like I expected.
    But this month it went straight to high and been high ever since (am now on CD21). Half of me thinks it is pre-programmed to stay at high until it gets a peak, even if actually your hormones are really at low. I actually tried doing BBT this month as well but it was impossible - I didn't see a shift and they seem to be all up and down so think I must be doing it wrong. Convinced AF is now on her way and feel utterly fed up with whole thing. I know the average time to get BFP is 12 months and I am only on 9, but I just don't know what else to do. Am also thinking of binning everything and doing nothing and hoping for the best.
    I actually have booked a doctors appointment for a couple of weeks - mainly just to talk things through.
    Everyone around me seems to be pregnant at the drop of a hat. It just seems so impossible to me at the moment.
    Anyway sorry to also be on a downer. I just wanted to let you know I am really in the same boat. Sometimes it is nice to know you aren't the only one.
    D x
  • Thanks ladies. Well, I'm now in the 2 week wait and have decided that if this isn't our month then I am going to try and be brave and pack away my CBFM and have a proper break until the Spring. And if nothing has happened during the 'break', then I will book us into the Dr's for a fresh start, with hopefully a fresh and more positive frame of mind.
  • Sending you lots of luck Josie xxx
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