advice needed, doctors appointment

I have had a terrible weekend. I was mad to oh on friday night and a bit on saturday morning, so he left. It normally helps me calm down when I am left to myself, but this time it wasn't. I got more annoyed and send him some angry text messages, must say he did not send anything back. Eventually after he was gone for 8 hours I told him he had 10 minutes to get home. (I had been left to look after our son for the entire day again) He send a text back that he was going to stay away and wasn't coming back. My world caved in. We had a chat over the phone and he was so sure he wanted to leave us. I told him to come home and talk face to face and he did. He said I changed, that I was not the person he met. That I am depressed and that everything comes down on him. That he feels that he constantly working, either at work or at home by looking after me.

There is some truth in there. Some days that I find difficult I can't get away fast enough when he comes home. I can hardly get up in the morning, even after 10 hours sleep. I find going out difficult and can hardly go out. (I don't want to, but not because I want tp stay home, but because I am scared) I find everything difficult and it takes an enormess (sp) amount of effort.

I know I am probably depressed or sort off. So I said I would work on it. I have a doctors appointment tonight. At the moment I don't feel depressed or different than times, but for most of the times I need help. I want to discuss this with the gp, but not sure how to bring it up. Most of the times when I speak to someone else than oh, I just put a wall around me. No one from the outside will know how I feel and that is the way I am raised.

I am scared tonight that I will not convince the doctor that I need help. What should I do? I know I need help, but I will be sure that I will put a wall up. Any advice ladies? It is costing me everything I got at the moment and I want it to stop.

Must say oh and I have made up over sunday, but I am still scared he will leave. He wants to have a life, go out, have relaxing time and sometimes I think that me and lo are to much work for him to enjoy it.

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  • Hey Breighlin,

    You've managed to explain to us how you are so tell your gp what you've said to us.
    Maybe write everything down with how you are and then if you feel the wall building then you could pass him what you've written down.
    The first big step is what you've already done which is realising you need some kind of help and are doing something about it so well done.

    I hope thats a little bit of help for you. Big hugs and let us know how you get on xx
  • Hi Breighlin,

    We haven't spoken before but I have recently joined this group after miscarring at 5+1 last week and I have read some of your posts and know you have been through a lot recently.
    I just wanted to say that I indentify with a lot of what you are feeling. I have battled with depression in some form or another on and off for over 10 years now-it does manifest itself in different forms for me, sometimes I feel very anxious and scared to go out, others I feel very up and down- when I feel good I feel almost eurpohic but the down times are difficult. Things have become worse since having PND twice- most severely after my dd who is now 2.5. I would say I have recovered from PND, but sometimes, like recently triggered by having the miscarriage, I recgonise some of the old feelings returning. I am not on any medication anymore but I do have some vallium type pills for when I feel extreme anxiety and I have taken a few of them since I had the miscarriage-something I hadn't needed until recently for a long time.

    I feel like you in the sense that I am finding it very difficult to get out of bed and am always tired. And doing anything is a huge effort. Depression often shows itself in this way, for me anyway.

    It sounds like a huge cliche but admitting you need help is often the worst bit. You have done that and I am sure you will be able to articulate your worries to the dr. I have found that a lot of gps I have seen are keen to get you help-sometimes because they realise that as a gp there isn't much they can actually do themselves but offer you drugs and that isn't the right solution for everyone. I have had both medication and therapy in the past (I have had cognative behavourial therapy and counselling) and I have found counselling to be most beneficial. I think it's just about finding the thing that works best for you.

    I'm glad you and your OH have made up and I really hope your appointment goes well,

    xxxx
  • Well I need to go in about half an hour and want to cancel. I just want to stay in my own little world, this is how I know it for years and I am afraid for change. Or to be laughed at or to be looked down upon.

    I feel very anxious and scared to go out, others I feel very up and down- when I feel good I feel almost eurpohic but the down times are difficult.

    Very familair. Days I feel good I feel I can conquer the world in a sense. Sometimes I have these days straight after a few bad days, which makes it feel unreal. No one can go that quick from being at the buttom of a well to the clouds in the sky.

    To be honest I feel like this since I can remember. My mum used to say that I should just go for a walk, get some outside air and it should solve itself, but it doesn't work, never worked. At some point I just did not tell her anymore and shut myself off for everyone. It was just easier to deal with myself than it was to try to explain to others how I felt and than being told that I had to get over it.

    I feel I am stuck in the passed, I can not forget things. I keep reliving things from years back to see why and where it went wrong. I can never really pinpoint anything. But I do feel some sort of hate towards my mum for never realising how bad I actually felt. She never suggested the doctor and told me to be not so childish. Which is why I am now also reluctant to go, cause what can a doctor do. image

    Over the years it all became normal to me to feel that way. Thought everyone was feeling the same sort of feelings. Only recently I discovered that it is not normal, but I do not want to call it abnormal. I feel bad, but a lot better than the weekend.

    My biggest fear of going now will be the doctor telling me to stop ttc and wait till I get sorted. (which could take months, years) I don't feel I can wait that long. And the last time I was really happy for longer than a few hours or a day was when I was pregnant with Michael.

    Anyhow, thank you for reading. I will update when I will be back from the doc. Never realised how much it just helps to write all things down and not to be judged.
  • Huni, you will never be judged in here, we are here to support you in any little way we can.
    Good luck at the docs, thinking of you xxx

  • I really hope your appointment went well Breiglin, let us know how you got on.

    So much of what you said sounds familar to me as well hun, especially about not forgetting the past. I can really relate to that.

    I totally understand what you mean about TTC, this is one I have agonised over many a time. Because I have been made worse by PND and truely hit my lowest during that time I am scared of going there again. But, the way I am trying to look at it is that depression might always be a part of me-it might be a part of who I am and may never go away completely and I can just try to deal with it as best I can. Therefore, having another baby probably won't make much difference and I am prepared for it, I know how to get help and what makes me feel better. It is a risk I am prepared to take-all I know is I love being a mum and really want another child- I was very happy when I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago and when I get pregnant again (here's hoping) I will be extremely pleased. It will be the same for you hun I am sure, you will know what you need to do to get yourself on the right track to feeling better you won't need to stop TTC.

    Thinking of you,

    Joy xx

  • Well I am back. He did take it seriously, but only wanted to perscribe anti depressents, so have to start with that tomorrow. :S I asked him about ttc and he said just to stop when we find out we are pregnant, but that it wasn't very likely to get pregnant whilst feeling depressed.

    When we got our last positive test I spend the day being so happy. I was jumping around, loved every minute of it. When I started bleeding it just went all downhill again. I know getting pregnant will make me feel a lot better. I was quite happy whilst being pregnant with Michael, just worried it won't happen again.

    No real support from anyone else than oh. And I am afraid he will leave anyway. He says he won't as long as I am working on feeling depressed. So hopefully he means it.

  • Well done for going Breighlin, I hope that doesn't sound patronising-I just know how hard it is to go and talk about this. I am so glad it went well hun, try the anti d's and see whether they help you. I know for some people they are a complete lifeline. I couldn't find any that suited me although the ones I was on during my PND were helpful in hindsight. My mum who also suffers swears by hers though and I honestly think they have helped her so much. I am also glad that he said it doesn't have to effect TTC,that must be a weight off your mind.

    Please email me if you want to talk hun, I really mean that. I really like writing stuff down, I have got a journal on another site which I only write in when I am feeling a bit low (I know, what a great read that must be!:lolimage and it really helps.

    We are here for you

    xxxx

  • I really feel that I can understand part of how you feel. I have suffered with depression on and off for many years and used to have a big problem with socialising and going out. I thought I had got over it when I moved to Devon and made friends here. But ever since my mmc it has come back in a really bad way. I dont want to go anywhere and my friends keep asking me to go out and I am making excuses. If i feel i have to go out I get panicky and sick. I can feel that it is getting out of control but I am too tired to care about it at the moment. It is the Easter holidays and we havnt been anywhere, i was supposed to meet up with people but dont want to and I think they are probable getting fed up with me. Problem is I would be happier to be left alone. I am dreading having to do the school run with my sons next week and see everyone. Is this how you are feeling?? Sometimes I think I am the only one to feel this way. If you want to PM me you can.

    Does your OH fully understand your feelings, I think it definately helps if they realise that it is not them that is the problem, when my and hubbie first married 10 years ago we used to talk through my feeling loads and although it has taken time he now understands my down times and realises that it is nothing to do with him.

    Hope this helps somehow

    Jacqui
    xx
  • No my oh doesn't have a clue about how I feel. And he doesn't want to have a clue, he is sick of me being tired, me not wanting to go out and he feels like he has to take care of me and he doesn't want that anymore.

    So in a sense I feel worse cause I know he won't stick around forever. So I know I need to improve.

    Even though I feel so tired and would like to go to sleep I am now doing everything so he doesn't have to lift a finger. We will see how long that takes. He said he was proud of me asking for help, but we will see.

    I really feel that I can understand part of how you feel. I have suffered with depression on and off for many years and used to have a big problem with socialising and going out. I thought I had got over it when I moved to Devon and made friends here. But ever since my mmc it has come back in a really bad way. I dont want to go anywhere and my friends keep asking me to go out and I am making excuses. If i feel i have to go out I get panicky and sick. I can feel that it is getting out of control but I am too tired to care about it at the moment. It is the Easter holidays and we havnt been anywhere, i was supposed to meet up with people but dont want to and I think they are probable getting fed up with me. Problem is I would be happier to be left alone. I am dreading having to do the school run with my sons next week and see everyone. Is this how you are feeling??

    I felt so much better when I moved away from Holland. I still can not see myself living with my parents ever again. Even a week is to long at the moment. For the first few months, maybe year that I was living in the uk it was great. I ad contact with my parents again and could talk to them, but when I got engaged and was arranging the wedding and when I got pregnant, my mum showed the side that i know of her and everything came back up. Everything that I hated about living with them and still I can not forget. I get angry everytime I talk to them or their lack of communication. (they haven't seen or spoken to my son for 6 months even though we both have skype and they can talk to him for free)

    Than when pregnant I was quite good actually, felt good. But when giving birth she led me down again. And after Michaels birth I felt bad, really bad. But it got so much worse after our first miscarriage. Only to be told after our two chemical pregnancy;s following it, that we need to have a few more before they think about testing. So hopefully we get pregnant soon and I can get on with feeling better.

    I hardly go out and never go out without a reason. I always need to have a goal, otherwise I won't go. I go about all the possibilities about what i might encounter outside and than after a while I decide to go or not. I hardly see other people and don't want to see them. I wish it was different, but most of the time I want time for myself, but with a little boy I have hardly nay time for myself.
  • We sound very similar in our feelings but I really think you should try and talk to your OH somehow. If he understood more of what was going on inside you he may be more willing to understand your ups and downs. It is horrible to feel this way, hopefully your anto depressants might lift you a bit. I think it is good that you have opened up on here. It is good to get it out in the open and easy sometimes when not face to face!

    Jacqui
    xx
  • just wanted to say a huge well done for being so brave and going to your GP, it takes a lot of courage to do that and is the first and biggest step to getting better! xxx
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