We lost our twins at 24weeks. When do we try for next baby ?

Dear All, I created a post about our loss and it is called "I wish we had more time with them". Had so many nice messages on that post and has been very supportive.

We lost our twin boys 3 weeks ago at 24 weeks, one was still born and the second only survived for 2 hours. The pain is unbearable.

Have been reading various things and some mention that the risk of miscarriage again is greater if you try soon after having a miscarriage. Do any of you have any ideas or knowledge of when we should try again. I know our clinic says that once my wife has had two clear cycles it would be willing to give us IVF treatment again.

To have to go through this again would be unthinkable so would really want to minimise the risks wherever possible.

Only thing is I am 37 and my wife has just turned 36. So time is not on our side.
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  • I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you would feel.

    It might take a while before your wifes periods will return to normal, so you might have to wait for a bit anyway.

    All the information I have read is that after one miscarriage you don't have an increased risk of another miscarriage. They do say there is a small risk to have another miscarriage if there is something left inside and you get pregnant before it had a chance of getting out. But mostly it means it will come out after a period. So I think that if the clinic said they are willing to do another round of ivf after two cycles, her body should be back to normal again.

    There is just an emotional side of things as well. A lot of the ladies on here said that they felt better after they had a few months to come to terms with their loss before they wanted to try again. I on the other hand would give anything to be pregnant again and don't want to wait a few months or even half a year. So it a very personal choice. If you and your wife are ready to start again and the clinic is willing to do it, I don't think you have any more risk than a normal person.
  • Hi KS9,
    I'm so sorry for you and your wife's loss, my son was stillborn at 27 weeks back in September so I know what you are going through!

    You should speak to your midwife about when to start trying to conceive again. One midwife told me to wait 3 months and another told me that my bosy was ready to carry another baby if i conceived straight away. It all depends on how your wife feels emotionally at the moment. Like Breiglin, I wanted to start trying straight away. I was also advised that I was not at a higher risk of having another stillborn, well no more risk than any other pregnant woman. You may want to wait until you have your blood results back, ours took about 5-6 weeks to come through.

    You didn't say how you and your wife are coping with your grief? I just wanted to say it's been 11 weeks this saturday since we lost Ewan and it has got easier. I went back to work after 4 weeks and it did me good to get back to normal, although what was right for me doesn't mean it's right for others.

    There is a bereavement and a TTC after bereavment forum on here and the ladies are getting chattier, there are also a few ladies on there that have fallen pregnant on their first cycle. So there is hope!!

    Sending big hugs to you both xx
  • hello,

    Im so sorry for your losses, I hope you are both okay x

    My situation is slightly didfferent to yours - we lost our baby last week at 17 weeks - and we have been told a mix of things from waiting until first AF until waiting 6 months. I think the waiting 6 months is more for the emotional pain to "heal" - well to heal as best it can.

    We have an appt with the hospital in about 3 weeks time, so Im going to ask them these questions then.

    I have been told that the risk of mc is not increased after already miscarring - but this is only what I have been told by the doctors when in hospital x

    Just wanted to say that I hope you are both okay

    lots of love and hugs


    purple bubbles x
    x x x
  • I am so sorry to hear what you and your wife have been through. I had an ectopic pregnancy back in September but I can't begin to imagine the grief of losing babies at 24 weeks.

    Did you and your wife name your boys? The reason that I say this is that I named my baby and I found is a great comfort.

    I know when I was initially told that I had a miscarriage I was told to waiting a month for dating reasons. I noticed that you are being treated with IVF so each clinic will have their own rules.

    I wanted to strat trying immediately but am glad that I had to wait 3 months as I really needed that time to fully come to terms with things. I had a major delayed emotional response which I don't think I could have coped with whilst ttc x x x
  • when did this happen? If it's still very soon then I'd say don't even think of making a decision yet, as it's hard to tell how you'll feel in a few months time. My MC was much earlier than your loss, at about 8weeks. I wanted to ttc again immed so we did, but looking back I'm glad I didn't get pg straight away before a period, as I don't think I'd have coped very well with that pregnancy. now having had 2 periods, I definitely feel ready. Maybe wait until just before your wife gets her second period, and see how you both feel about things at that point, and don't make any decisions too hastily.

    We get very few men on here, which is a real shame, as when a couple loses their little ones we both suffer. There's a beautiful poem somewhere in the miscarriage/ectopic support forum about how the man feels in that situation, I can't remember what it's called tho. Have you read it? I warn you tho it's one that might make you and your wife cry.
    Gxx
  • I just wanted to say what a lovely supportive husband your wife has.

    I'm not really able to advise you as my circumstance is so different to yours (I won't bore you with the details) but I think first and foremost the most important thing is to look after yourselves and to be kind to one another. It sounds very simple, but the biggest comfort to me after the erpc was my hubby being there for me, making me tea and giving me cuddles. We looked after each other and that has made us stronger.

    xxSara
  • Dear All thank you for your messages and support.

    It was three weeks today since we lost the twin boys. In the UK they have strange technical things where before 24 weeks if you lose a baby it is deemed a "miscarriage". Our first boy was born but the trauma of the birthing process as he was breach, meant he did not breathe. He was classed as a miscarriage. They do not issue birth or death certificates or require naming the baby.

    The second boy was born breathing and they stabilised him and all our hopes were pinned on him. Then two hours later they came to us and told us that he was getting weaker and that there was no hope. My wife held him and he passed away in her arms. We had to name the baby, get birth and death certificates for him.

    We named both of them. Names we had chosen before they were born. We knew they were boys as it was revealed at the 17 week scan.

    We have some photos of them and we look at them every day.

    We are grieving and there are so many wishes I have. I feel as if I should have spend every second of those two hours with my son and told him how much we loved him. I visited him 3 times in those hours and returned to my wife. The whole thing has been so hard.

    I was away 9 hours by flight when my wife had the major bleed. I got back within 24 hours of finding out. My dear dear wife did not move in the bed in case it made the contractions come quicker. She wanted me there. She held on till I got back on 13th November.

    The doctors advised that she was fully dilated, that both waters had broken, that the risk of infection could cause complications for my poor wife, and would mean the twin would definitely not survive. We had no choice but to go ahead and for her to deliver the boys.

    They were so beautiful and so perfect. Even at 24 weeks they each weighed 1.5lbs and hard formed perfectly though smaller than a full term baby.

    I miss them so much. Everyday through the pregnancy we told eachother how much we loved eachother and how much we loved the twins. I hope to god that they both know how loved they were and still are.

    I know people say we are parents now, but I long to hear the word "Daddy".
  • My heart goes out to you both. Cant really offer any more advice than what the girls have already given.

    Your boys know how much you both love, miss & long to have them with you.

    Once the physical side of recovery has began to take place i.e.1st cycle. You both need to give yourself the time you'll need to greive for your little ones you'll both know when the time is right for you to try again.

    Sending you both love & all the best for the future ahead. xxx
  • Thank you again. I also want to offer my heartfelt sympathy to all of you who have lost your babies. I know the feeling and feel for you.

    Carrying the coffin of my beautiful boys was a burden no parent should have to carry. I held the coffin in my lap as we drove to the crematorium. I did not want a hurse. They were our sons and deserved to be held and carried.

    I pray that god gives each of you beautiful, healthy children, who love you in their long lives. God bless.
  • Hi Karl,

    I'm sitting here in floods of tears reading your story. I'm so desperately sorry for your indescribable loss. I've suffered 2 mcs, but I can't even imagine the intense pain that you must be suffering now. I also have a son who was born full term in March 08, and I would have been in a totally desperate state if his life had been taken away from me on the day he was born.

    Just a few thoughts from me. I think you're a great man for coming on here for a chat. So many guys seize up and go into themselves when awful things happen in life. My husband (who I love dearly) wasn't very good at opening up and discussing his emotions when we suffered mcs, even though he was really hurting inside, so well done you for being honest and authentic about your feelings.

    Secondly, regardless of what the medical profession say, I think you should regard your losses as stillbirths/deaths of your children after the birth rather than miscarriages. They were gorgeous perfect little people and I think it helps the grief process and doesn't undermine the severity of your loss.

    In terms of how long you should wait, I'd imagine your wife may need at least a couple of months to physically recover after 24 weeks of pregnancy. See how you feel in th weeks ahead. You sadly may feel worse before you get better.

    I've been to counselling which I would recommend if you're considering it.

    Please don't lose faith. You are still this side of 40 by a good few years and not old by today's standards. Two of my close friends became first time Mums at 38 (one IVF and one after 2 mcs) without any problems so try not to panic about that if you can help it.

    I pray you too have gorgeous, healthy children too one day. You sound like you'd be wonderful parents.

    Much love to you and your wife in these difficult months ahead.

  • I am so so sorry for your losses , I lost my baby girl at 20 weeks and it is devestating. To lose 2 at once with hope dangled infront of you must have been unbearable. We were also classed as a miscarriage which hurts as I gave birth and wish I was allowed to acknowledge my daughter like that to the world. She was named Angel and we paid for her own burial. I am so glad you named your children and when you mentioned the coffins it brought tears to my eyes, I found the coffin very hard to deal with. No parent should see their child die before them.
    We are still waiting for results to come through as she'd died silently inside me but I'd been told my bloods were all normal. As it happens we were never told how long to wait although my dr was shocked when I'd suggested 2yrs to get my body sorted. She told me she knows of children 10mths apart and no problems. Anyway 1 cycle later I am pregnant, very early days and very scarey.????
    For me I just wanted to be pregnant again, I was ready for my baby and still wanted another child. Emotionally this journey has been hell but as dotty said, 12 weeks on I have learnt to hold Angel in my heart, picture her face and tiny hands BUT I can control my tears.
    It is very hard and we all deal with grief in our own ways, you and your wife need time to cope emotionally and physically. I would speak to the consultant who is dealing with you. You should be given additional checks through a second pregnancy etc and they will know from your notes the risks etc. I think for you both there will always be additional fears but I've found myself you never give up and have to believe next time will be different.
    Please do tell your wife when she feels ready to try to come on somewhere like here, there is the bereavement and ttc after bereavement forum that although can be quiet would allow you to find mums that can really understand what you are going through and between us we are helping each other, you may also be able to find councelling through the hospital if you wanted. (if she doesn't want to be so public I have my email enabled and she is welcome to press on the link)
    Please please do not feel guilty for not staying at your 2nd sons side, you and your wife were both going through hell and shock makes your decisions, your son needed medical care and your wife needed her husbands love. Our babies know how much we love them and you are a daddy and I have faith that one day you will hear it with your own ears.
    3 weeks is still very early, you will find by 6 weeks you are beginning to find your feet. Take care ????
  • Dear All, thank you again for your messages. I hope good times come soon. Every morning we wake up and suddenly realise what is true and it is painful, almost losing them all over again everyday.
  • Dear All, it has been 6 weeks since we lost the boys. We went on a 2 week holiday to scatter the ashes of our beautiful sons. We got back yesterday.

    My poor wife had her time of month while we were there. It was so hard for her as it was a constant reminder that she is no longer pregnant. We seemed to feel stronger while away.

    Since we got back yesterday she has been constantly crying. I feel stronger but hurt so much seeing her cry. Am not sure what to do. Have suggested counselling to her but she says no.
  • I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are both feeling.
    I really can't offer any advice but I think your suggestion of seeking some counselling is a positive idea but perhaps your wife isn't ready just yet for that. Give yourselves time to grieve and make sure you are there for each other. Time won't heal the wounds completely but it helps you to deal with them.

    You are both in my thoughts and prayers xx
  • Hi KS9

    I think greif is a slow process & some days you can feel better than others.

    As you have said goodbye to your boys now the reality is probably setting in & as you say having her period is a reminder that she is not pregnant.

    I think everyone will agree what a supportive husband you are & I think just being there for her as you are & comforting her will help her.

    It may help to talk to someone but if she's not ready to yet then maybe suggest it at a later date if you think it still may help.

    Have lots of cuddles & I wish you both lots of happiness for the new year ahead. x
  • Hi KS9,

    I agree with Laujai, some days are better than others and I found I just had to go with my emotions.

    I had a bit of a moment over christmas where Icouldn't stop crying and my hubby told my mum he felt so useless and felt useless when I had my ectopic as he couldn't do anything to help.

    I felt so sad by this as him just being there was a huge source of comfort, him hugging me when i needed it and leaving me when i needed it. When i was so sad i didn't want to be cheered up so he didn't try.

    I think you sound like a wonderful husband and you are doing all that you can. I really hope there start to be more good days x x

    I had a mom
  • Just wanted to say i'm so so sorry to read your awful news.

    I have tears rolling down my face reading your story.

    You're an amazing man for seeking support.

    We were told at 16 weeks that we were losing our daughter and had to wait until the following day for procedure. It was totally unbearable and the worst experience of our lives. We could barely breathe from crying. However the following day a miracle happened. So I can only imagine how totally devasting it must be for you and your wife at the loss of your beautiful boys.

    You are in my thoughts,

    Amy xx
  • Karl I'd agree with Laujai to raise the subject of counselling again in a little while. It may be just the 'come down' from the holiday. I went on hols week after my miscarriage. but when you get home it's back down to earth with a bump. you have the room you were planning the nursery. maybe baby books. all sorts of reminders of what was to be. Maybe it's this that's getting to her now. And it might get easier over time?
    Gxx
  • I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my baby girl at 16 weeks almost 7 years ago. It is hard for both of you, you have both lost your longed for babies but your wife has to deal with the constant reminders from her body that she is no longer pregnant on top of that. I would bring up the subject of counselling again when she is feeling a bit stronger, for me when I lost our little girl, I was offered counselling and didnt take it straight away, after all they couldnt give me the one thing that I wanted which was to have my daughter back. After several weeks of bursting into tears everytime I saw someone who was pregnant I bit the bullet and phoned the cousellor, I have to say it was the best thing I did, no she couldnt give me back my baby but she could sit and listen without judging me or telling me time would heal and I would get over it, or try again which is what most peoples solution was and I could cry all I liked without feeling bad that I was upsetting her, when I used to cry my hubby used to say dont be sad, which I know he meant well but I needed to be sad. My heart really goes out to both of you and I really hope that you continue to find the strength in each other to deal with this xxxxx
  • Today was a really hard day. Being new years eve we have been invited to a few things. Neither of us feel ready to start normal things like parties.

    So my wife decided we needed to keep busy today. So we decided to pack all the pregnancy things which were all lying around. I had gone to New York for a week when she was 22 weeks pregnant. I know I shouldn't have but I had seen the most amazing baby clothes and could not resist and had bought a whole suitcase of clothes for the twins as we knew they were boys.

    Today we packed those away, together with the doppler, blood pressure monitors and other "pregnancy presents she had got". We were both very teary and even I cried a lot today.

    It was my birthday about 10 days ago and she was a flood of tears that day saying it was meant to be the happiest birthday and turned out to be the saddest. It's her birthday in a few days time and even any mention of that word and she is in floods of tears.

    It doesn't get easier, and the pain is not any less, although you have moments when you can almost behave normally without feeling guilty for not being eternally sad.

    I keep having a dream (every few days) that the twins survived, and then when I wake up in the morning it's losing them all over again.

    Just reading all your comments has been so much support.

    I pray that god gives peace to you all and to the babies we have all lost.
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