FAO: Kat-9742700

Hi Kat,

I just wondered how you are doing? I've been thinking of you and really hope that you're ok and pulling through this.

I won't mension it cos I know in the early days of my MMC I couldn't bear it but if you wanna talk or chat about anything at all, please do reply or use the email button.

Hope your OH is looking after you and you're getting all the support you need from those around you.

Big hugs,

Amber xx


  • Hi Amber

    Thank you for thinking of me! I am doing ok. It's 3 weeks on Friday since the op and I'm on the mend. Back at work yesterday but finding sitting at a desk quite uncomfortable so just taking each day as it comes and leaving early if I need to.

    Still struggling to grasp the reality of what's happened. They say that as you have had to face your own mortality and have so much physical healing to do that people tend to find it hard to connect with the loss of a baby. This is certainly how I'm feeling.

    I am sad that we have failed again. I am angry as it just doesn't seem fair that it's been this hard when there are people who pop kids out who don't deserve them. And this where my problem is! I am so jealous and angry. I just feel we are good people who would selflessly give everything to our baby, so why is it so hard?!

    And I'm scared. I'm scared that next time I'll have the same thing and lose the other ovary. I'm scared of where that would leave us. I know the statistics and the odds are in our favour but then I thought that after our mmc.

    Now I've made out like I'm a wreck but really I'm not. I'm getting on ok, and no one would know there was anything wrong with me. Again we have chosen not to tell people apart from close family & friends. So everyone knows the exact same story but that it was a cyst in my ovary and not a pregnancy. It is hard sometimes to talk it down.

    I am trying to stay away from the forum just now as I get so upset at all the bfps. Oh god does that make me a horrible person?! I am happy for everyone of course but I feel envious and sad that we are back to the beginning again.

    I see from your posts you are late! I really hope this is your bfp! I may be a little envious if it is, but not in a negative way! And if not, then have fun with your cbfm. Turned out ours worked in cycle 2 so good luck!

    Thank you again

  • Hi Kat, so sorry it has taken me a little while to get back to you.

    I completely understand your feelings about the baby and the world in general, it's just not fair and it does make us feel so jealous and almost bitter and no one but someone who has been through it will ever understand.

    You almost died, that is just massive, it's overwhelming and I'm sure you just can't get your head around it. Have you thought about counselling? just to talk through your feelings? It will take a long time to heal and for you to feel physically well again, so take your time and don't rush yourself.

    You've been through all this twice now and that must be so painful for you. You've prob read my story before, I had a MMC at 14 wks and we were further along than most people are when this happened so I think it's hit me a lot harder than it would have if it was before 12 weeks. we saw the baby at our scan, saw it's legs kicking and the heartbeat and it was perfect!! We told the world, I told my 10 yr old niece, annouced it at a work away day of 60 people, had parties with friends and family and 3 days before it happened went to road test prams. It's 3 months now and I'm not over it, I'm still crying and grieving about what should have been.

    Anyway, I'm the same as you, no one would know there is anything wrong and everyone says to my face how well I look and how brave and strong I am, well what do you expect me to do? You just have to get on with it!

    I'm scared too, and it's understandable what we've been through, but you have to just try. It is so scary the things that could possibly happen to us, but to me it's more scary the thought that I would never be a mum so I figure you have to go through it to get to the other side. We will be terrified the next time we fall but you have to just try or you'll never get to hold your own precious little bundle

    You are not a horrible person! It is upsetting, particuarly when people just come and go and fall so quick it leaves us all feeling crap and sad! I'm happy for them but just wish it was me! Its jealously in the kindest possible way!

    No BFP this month! AF arrived on friday, a little late but guess I'm just quite irregular now. Am cool with it as I've been on lots of fun wkends away with friends this month to get my mind off things so didn't get to bd at the right times but I've had a much-needed good time so it was worth it. Trying my hardest this month tho!!

    I was really worried about you and needed to know you're ok. You sound very together and doing the best you can in this situation. Do you need to wait a while before ttc? Have you thought about all that yet or is it too soon??

    Hope you're having a good wkend, it's lovely to hear from you, thanks for replying!! Take care xxx

  • Hey Amber

    I am glad you understand how I feel about reading all the BFPs and what is scaring me now is the amount of people who seem to come back to this forum after getting their BFP. Who would ever have thought it would be this hard before getting into all of this?! My first MC I could totally cope with as being -one of those things' but the ectopic was like a slap in the face. And the thought of having to go through either again just seems so unfair but so real as a possibility.

    Your story is the cruellest of all I think. When we found out about our MMC I was supposed to be 11 weeks and it turned out the pregnancy stopped at 7+3 and we had just seen the heartbeat at 7+2. I took comfort in the fact that we had found out prior to our 12 week scan when we would have, like you, told everyone. We were so lucky that we had never seen what looked like a baby, just a fuzzy blob with a flickering heartbeat. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you.

    I am disheartened by all the stories of those I have watched get their BFPs having problems again. It is really scary to see how often this happens to people. I just hope that those who are going through this at the moment are just experiencing false alarms.

    We were told by the doctor in the hospital that they recommend waiting for one cycle before we start TTC again. On the ectopic pregnancy trust website it recommends waiting for 3 cycles. We have decided to not actively try. We are just going to see if it happens without me ov testing etc. I say that but I did ov test and got a positive 2 weeks after the Operation. But we have only had sex once since then so I don't think there is much chance of us being pregnant this month. It doesn't seem to be like with my MC when I still got a positive pregnancy test for a couple of weeks after. I was negative again within 5 days. So I am hoping that as I think I ovulated on the 23rd that I will get AF this Friday and at least then I will know my I am back in working order!

    Like you the thought of not becoming a mum scares me more than anything. But I know that if/when we fall again, I will not start to relax until the 20wk scan. You must feel the same.

    I am glad you have had fun things going on this last month to keep your mind off things. I think that is the key to getting through this. I hope this is your lucky month as you really do deserve it!

    We have just booked a holiday, so leave in 2 weeks time. Can't wait to get some relaxation in the sun!

    Thank you so much for your concern for me. It is nice to have someone who can understand what you are going through. Friends and family seem to find it easier to not mention it now I have physically healed.

    Take care and good luck for this month

  • Yes, it's horrible what people are going thorugh at the moment, I really hope they are all ok.

    When you are ttc, life just seems like a game of chance and some people have all the luck. No one should have to go through anything like what we have but there are women who have baby after baby and everything is fine then there are others who have so much trouble, it really isn't fair.

    And you're right, your ectopic is like a slap in the face, a miscarrige is enough for one woman and the chances of then having an ectoptic must be so small, but unfortunately that small chance was you.

    Everyone derserves their bfp but you doubley deserve it after all you've been through!!

    It is so hard how it all happened to us, I work in learning disabilities so was very aware of all of that through my pg, up to 12 weeks I was prepared for if something went wrong and I mc, then I could deal with it cos the baby wasn't well or developing as it should. But cos we had the all clear, it's just so harsh and to think we saw it alive almost the day it died, similar to you, is just devestating. And everyone knows, almost everyday I have to deal with someone asking or saying something stupid, I find myself avoiding people cos I can't bear the looks and I always get the "are you alright? no are you really alright?" questions, and the only answers you can give are to placate them, if you told the truth they wouldn't know what to do!!

    I think next time, I will definitely wait til 16 weeks to tell people, possibly even 20wks if I can get away with it. I'm not sure I can ever relax with it, sometimes I wander into the Bereavment forums and the things those ladies have been through are unimaginable,the ladies are so brave and amazing but the stories do just terrify me. but as I said before, whatever happens I've gotta try.

    You sound like you have a good attitude to ttc, I think it's really important not to rush things and let your body recover. your holiday will do you the world of good so I hope AF arrives on time so you can enjoy the sun!

    Thanks so much for saying I deserve it, I think so too!! I really hope it is, starting to feel a bit despondant!

    Give me a shout anytime you want to chat - have a great hol and take care! xx
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