I'm really struggling at the minute!

Hi Ladies,

Everytime I come on here all I feel like I do is moan, I was full of PMA earlier in the week and I still am but I'm just an emotional wreck!

For those of you that don't know this is my story, I'm 23 and have been with my OH for 6 years. I fell pregnant in Jan / Feb (unplanned as I was on the pill but suffer from terrible IBS so can only assume that this is the reason the pill didnt work) and on 2nd March got my BFP, although very shocked we were over the moon! Anyway at the end of that week I started spotting and went to our local walk in centre who referred me to EPAU (at which point I should of been approx 6 weeks pregnant), when they scanned me, gestation sac was present but not a lot else and they thought I was to earlier on that I thought and asked me to come back 10 days later. A few days after the scan I started bleeding / clotting heavly so presented at A&E who made me wait 4 hours to take blood and send me home. Anyway I went back to EPAU 4 days later to be told they didnt know what was happening as the previous scan had been documented incorrectly (totally unacceptable) so would I return for another scan a week later, all you ladies know how awful that wait was so I refused and demanded an answer there and then at this same appointment the totally insentive sonographer bluntly said to OH and me 'the sac is there, there is no baby in it!' this boils my blood and I actually couldnt accept that I had mmc because of the carry on I have had and came home and was taking pregnany test after pregnancy test as I couldnt accept what they said. Anyway I decided to take the constructive management route and I had no faith in our local hospital but unfortunately it didnt work and I was admitted on 23rd April for the tablets to make everything happen and we have been ttc ever since and got my BFN, 2 weeks later, as a result of the unprofressional treatment at the hospital I formally complained.

I am now onto month 3 of ttc and if we don't get it this month, will have to wait til March / April to ttc again as we get married in June and I really dont want to be a heavily pregnant bride.

Anyway, on Friday I got a response from the PALs and Complaints Dept at the hospital to say they didnt have sufficent information and the formal investigation into my complaint, so this started me off! In the last few day I have turned into a grumpy, miserable and emotional wreck. OH doesnt no what to say to me and I dont know what to say to him, I cancelled going out with the girls because I couldnt face them and my work colleagues keep asking me whats wrong. I just feel like screaming at them all and saying 'I'll tell you what's wrong, I lost my baby in March, not one of you cared and I couldnt care less what goes on in here, I'm here to do my job and that's it!'. I even gave OH a good talking to this morning tell him that he was selfish and couldn't care less about our baby. I actually feel like everyone has forgotten about my baby :cry: and what I've been through over the last few months and all they care about are themselves.

Maybe I am being oversensitive and OH and I have had a lot of crap chucked at us since the MMC, my future BIL has been very poorly. I do think I am being a bit silly but I am so fed up of inconsiderate and selfish idiots who couldnt care less about how I feel! Even my BIL gf is doing my head in - as BIL has been very poorly he is unable to concieve naturally so all she ever talks about is IVF and how wonderful its going to be when she gets her baby - ARGH! I do feel for them, but she is totally insensitive and stupid.

Anyway ladies, really sorry for moaning - I'm away to cry some more now.

Babydust and PMA to you all!

Em x

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  • hun, it sounds like your going through a really tough time. im not sure what to say as nothing will really make you feel better. can you not keep trying even though your getting married? you could wear empire line dress..
    only thing I can suggest is remaining hopeful. have you had a heart to heart with your OH??

  • As we get married next June I am really reluctant to keep trying as everythings book and my dress is picked and paid for and has been since September last year! I don't want to have to pospone the wedding or be heavily pregnant, I want to have my cake and eat it if I'm honest - typical woman!

    Tried talking to OH earlier, he doesnt understand although he says I can talk to him about anything and everything which I can but i cant bring myself to talk about the mmc with him. It sounds awful but when I mmc he didnt even seem upset and didnt even cry, maybe he was trying to be strong for me but that just makes me think did he even care image

    The PMA is still there, Im still hopeful this will be our month. I'm just getting myself down - maybe after the last few months its final hit me, I did think I was dealing with it quite well but maybe not!


  • image Hun thats awful that you feel this way. I think its harder for the men to feel how we do. I went through a few days where I thought my husband had just gotten over it but he hadn't, he was just trying to be strong for me as I was falling to pieces inside.

    just try and relax and im sure it will happen.
    good luck, thinking about you.

    xx
  • Thanks chick and congratulations on your BFP!

    If I've learnt anything over the past few months its thats lifes a precious gift and we should enjoy every minute of it, even when it gets hard! I'm a tough cookie and usually very positive so will pick myself up and dust myself off and plant the smile back on my face again!
  • Oh hun I dont really know what to say but it sounds like you have been through hell.
    I think men react differently to us. I felt the same about OH and thought he was not upset but he started sleep walking which he only does when upset or stressed so he was grieving just not in the way we would. We did have an argument about it in which I was quite hurtful to him but it made us talk and got it all sorted out.

    As for ttc its up to you but I know what you mean about wanting your cake and eating it. Hopefully you get your BFP asap and you will have it all.

    (((hugs)))
  • Hi Ladies,

    Thank you very much for your support yesterday! I really appreciate being able to say what I'm feeling without being made to feel like I'm doing somethings wrong.

    I am feeling a lot better today and a lot more like my usual cheery self. Must of just needed to vent!

    Baby Dust to you all

    Emma xx
  • Glad your feeling a bit better today Emma....we all have up and down days and that's why this website is good as we can support each other take care sue x
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