back with a rant...

I am in a very dark place right now. We had a chemical pregnancy last month and I am now 3 weeks into the next period. No sign of ovulating whatsoever. I tried to keep away from here, I get to upset reading all your stories and every day I am sat here in tears.I keep thinking it will not happen again for us, we won't get another child. We are now trying for 8 months with one mmc and one chemical pregnancy. A couple of friends from oh have announced the 12 week mark of their pregnancy and I just sank in the floor.

I am hurt. It is not going well. I think I might be depressed. I seem to think everyone is against me, not liking me, ignoring me. Feel lonely in a room full of people. I feel lonely next to my oh when watching tv. I know it sounds strange. I am trying to talk to him, to open up and share my darkest emotions. I think he might begin to understand that for me it is still very very difficult. I want to be pregnant so badly that I hardly sleep, don't fel like doing anything and I gained some weight instead of loosing it. I feel like such a failure and why? Just because someone else is pregnant and I am not? How mean am I?

Strangely enough I want to be pregnant, but hate to think of the deed. Just don't feel bothered. Don't even feel like cuddling up, don't feel like talking much. I feel so alone in this. I know I am not, but it feels like everyone one is forgotten the miscarriages. No one askes me how I am, no one looks at me and askes me if I am alright. Because I have to stay home with lo I can not really go out and lost most of the friends I got here. Than when I told my best friend about the chemical pregnancy she said she was glad cause she did not like another december baby. (she got two plus a nephew in december) She hasn't mentioned it since. (would have been due first of november, but ok)

I feel like such a failure, but this is the only place I can rant and people might understand me.


  • oh im so sorry hun! (big hugs!!!) i know what you mean when you say that u feel people have forgotten that youve had a misscarriage! its been 3 weeks since mine and people, including my other half are getting on with thinngs laughin and joking and i feel like i cant talk 2 any of them cos im still crying every night. feeling so down!! dont think your a failure whatsover! you know you can get pregnant so its just a case of when image does your partner talk to you about it?? my partner doesnt talk at all! i feel even more alone cos he snaps at me if i mention the baby to him and if i mention trying for another one... why dont you both go away for abit! just the two of you.. its nice sometimes just to get away from everything! keep your chin up hun. you know it will happen one day! your like me you want it all now! i totally understand that... its very hard though! big hugs
    claire xxxx
  • Hi sweetie,
    Sorry about your chemical pregnancy, and sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. I know how you feel. I had depression last year, had 6 months of anti-depressants, and had a mmc in february. In the depths of my depression I used to feel so lonely, used to want to be with people when I was alone, and used to want to be alone when I was with people. It feels like nobody cares. It's so difficult talking about it with anybody, but it really is the best thing.
    It will get better, I promise. Have you thought about seeing your GP? antidepressants helped me so much, by helping me to get to a point where I could sort my head out. You can't sort your head out when you're feeling so low. At this point in your life you need to look after yourself- be good to yourself, treat yourself like a friend. I know you may not believe me, but you're NOT a failure at all. None of this is your fault. It's rubbish to have to go through this, I know, but there was nothing you could have done.
    It's so hard to see someone who has what you want, and what you lost. Your friend was clearly quite insensitive to you. Would it help to tell her how much it hurt you? Maybe write her a letter and send it if you want to if you don't want to actually talk to her?
    I hope some of this helps, if you want to email me, feel free.
    Mary xxx
  • Aww sweetie what a horrible time you're hvaing at the moment.

    I do agree and think that maybe you are a little do you feel about seeing your GP?

    You've had to go through so much, but hunni yopu must remember that there was absolutley NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome, and you are certainly not a failure.

    Are you able to any moms and tots groups with Micheal as a way of getting out and meeting new people, do you have a Children's Centre locally as these can be a great sourse of support and information.

    Also, have you considered having any counselling about your mcs as this might help too.

    Don't forget hun, we are always here for you

    lots of hugs

  • I have this feeling since I was about 15 or 16. I always felt different, not belonging anywhere. When in a group I feel an outstander, a person who isn't there. Sometimes it feels like I am floating above myself in a sense and not able to do anything. I never feel completely comfertable. Not in a group, not when I am alone. I forced myself for many years to go out, meet people, but nothing has changed. There are two people I felt comfertable with, my best friend from holland who I don't see anymore and my oh. Every other person made me act like another person. Trying to look better than I am, trying to act different than I am. I am never myself and have never been as far as I can remember.
    I love riding horses, or being with animals. They seem to read you better and make me feel so much better. Unfortunately we do have the time, money and place for anything which will remotely give me the same thing. (we had horses till I was 18, than practicly had my own horse from someone else for another two years)

    My parents first of all where always telling me I should get out. That I should stop moping around, that I should enjoy the fresh air. Even if I did, I never felt any better. Worse in a fact. They drilled in my head that there is nothing wrong with me, that going to the doctors would be waste of time. No shrinks, no help. They had to battle through life without help, so have I. Besides there is nothing wrong.

    My ex boyfriend did the same and when he had enough of me being down or depressed he started being violent. It was his way of saying if you are moping about I will give you a reason. He threw me out at 4 in the morning dressed in pj's because he was mad. Eventually I left, because I knew I deserved more.

    Lately I think I am in the same situation here, only than with a child in the way as well. I can not just pack my things and go, no matter how much I want it. I can not leave the country and go home, it would not be fair on anyone. But I drive my oh mad. He will eventually cave in and I am destroying everything.

    I don't want to go to the doctors, I am afraid. I can't tell why. I am scared for what they might say, might judge me, might do. It is difficult to admit, but sometimes I hope a car doesn't pay attention when I cross the street and just hits me. I know I need help, but I don't want pills, I don't want to go to councilling, it sounds strange, but I am afraid it will only bring up more problems than solve. I am afraid it will make me feel much worse and I can't not take it.

    I can't be around people now. Yesterday I was around my PIL and how much I love them I felt so bad whilst being there. i can't be around my oh at the moment, or even my lo. It feels bad, weird, wrong.
  • Sweetheart,
    It is the scariest thing in the world to go to the doctors and ask for help. I do know that. I was lucky in that I saw a really nice doctor, who was very understanding. I know not all doctors are like that. but believe me, they will have heard this all before. They shouldn't judge you. When I went to ask for help when I was depressed, I almost talked myself out of it about a million times. In the end, I went into the room and burst into tears. They did a questionnaire thing - gives a score to give an idea how severe it is, and gives a reference point to see that you're getting better in the future. I didn't want pills, I didn't want counselling. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I couldn't go on as I was. She gave me anti-depressants, and they really helped. For me they acted as a crutch, to level out my moods, so I could go to counselling and get better.
    It's really hard to admit what you did about the car hitting you, but also so so brave. Please please please tell somebody about it - your oh, your mum, your GP. It really does help.
    Counselling is difficult, I won't lie to you. But if you find a good counsellor, it is worthwhile. They can give you ways to cope, and help you deal with your issues.
    Please talk to someone, and get some help. I promise that this will get better, that you will feel better, even if you can't see it right now.
    Email me if you need to.
    Mary xxxx
  • I agree that as much as you are scared to see your doctor it would be the best thing to do, I too have suffered with depression and find it very hard to be around people. I understand about feeling like you dont belong anywhere and that no one fully understands or knows you. It is very hard to open up and talk about these things and coming on here and doing that it really good. It helps to say (or type)these things to get them out. I also understand how people seem to forget about our mc's. Since I had mine after the first week no one has asked me how I am, if I am coping, nothing. I think people dont mean to be mean but they forget about it, especially if they havnt been through it themselves.

    Try and find someone to talk to, you have so much to deal with that you need to get it out in the open, it really does help

    We are all here to help any way we can and you can always come on here to talk about your feelings.

    Take care

  • Aw sweetie, I really feel for you, and as your friend (which I consider you to be image ) I am worried about you and want to help, as I'm sure all the othe rladies do on here.

    Depression is such a dark, lonely place and I too was very reluctant to see the GP when I had it, in the end I had no choice, I was dragged there :lol: I did have any tablets, but did go to counselling. It felt like I wa sin a dark, cols room and no matter how hard people tried they could never reach me. In my sessions I used to feel like I'd go in a trance and would almost be outside of my body watching myself - I'd mak no eye contact what so ever and without realsieing I would talk about the things that were hurting me - some of these things I never even realised were upsetting, and in all honesty one hugs thing that my mind had blocked out so I wasn't even aware of it if you know what I mean?

    I too had thoughts of not being around, as I felt that I had nothing to offer and I just couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel, luckily for me the counselling was great and helped me to see that I have a lot to offer to those around me and that i was worthy of hvaing a good life.

    You sound very isolated hun which isn't helping you, and I really, really feel that you should tell someone how you're feeling as bottling up is going to hurt you more.

    Whwn you talk about wanting to leave, do you actually want to leave your OH because he mistreats you/you don't love him etc or for another reason? Do you actually want to end your relationship or just get away?

    My email button is activated, so please, please feel free to email me at anytime, and continue to use us on here too.

    Sending you buckets of hugs

  • Honey I agree with the girls - I think you should visit your GP.

    I can relate to how you feel - it is a scary place to be and its even more scary to face up to it, but it does help in the end. I went to see my GP a while ago and have been having counselling which has really helped me.

    You are a worthwhile person and you deserve to be happy - never forget that.

  • Breighlin,
    Just wondering how you're doing? Sending you hugs xxx
  • Sorry I haven't replied earlier. I am still not well, but feeling a lot better. Have been busy over the weekend to keep my mind busy. We have been shopping for a new couch and rearranging the living room. Have been cleaning out stuff and started to do some work around the house. It did made me slightly feel better.

    oh was a bit weird and said he won't do the deed anymore till I was sorted. He thinks I want a baby for the wrong reasons and because I already have a little boy I can not be hurt that much. Needless to say he made it till day 4 before he wanted it again and took everything back he had said. We did miss ov this month though (I think, not sure) I do feel slightly more positive about pregnancy and being able to get pregnant.

    I am gonna go to the doctors when I get ever that low again. I know talking to someone will help, but was hoping that by opening up to my oh it would help. Instead he got paranoid and doesn't want me to do anything anymore.

    When I was talking about leaving and going away I mean sometimes going away alone and leaving everything behind. Sometimes I want to take Michael with me but want to be away from everything else. I don't go, but sometimes it feels it is easier to be gone from it all. (not as in dead, but starting somewhere over again) Like I said it is not always and only really when I am down.
  • Let us know how you are getting on.................... Its so hard when you have a miscarriage, i had one in decemeber and i was bleeding on and off for about a month after....Its really stressful exspecailly when you have been trying for so long..... I was trying for about three years before i conceived....

    Please let us know how you are getting on in a few weeks


  • Hi Breighlin

    I hope you won't mind me replying so late to your post, I have only been able to log on today but I really wanted to say how much I identified with your feelings. I think you know already that it's depression, but unfortunately I know from my own depression that it's a vicious circle, you aren't worth anything so don't feel you can bother others with your feelings, including the Doc, as you say 'there's nothing wrong'.

    But depression is a illness hun, it's a chemical inbalance in the brain, it can be triggered by all sorts, or just always be there and rear up from time to time - usually when you least need it. It's not your fault you feel the way you do. There is something wrong, and like any illness you can be treated. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit strong coming from a stranger, but I really wish during my 9 years of depression (from 17 to 26) that someone had said this to me. I felt down, worthless, alone even in company, like I never fitted in, like I was a little pea in my head looking out rather than a real person. Sorry if this sounds a bit nuts but I hope to show you I understand. I wasted my teens and 20s trying to avoid my feelings or letting them take control. I missed out on so much.

    I didn't go down the medication route either - it wasn't right for me. But I did summon up the courage from somewhere to cry at my Doc who referred me for counselling. It sounds awful, but wasn't, it was just talking and making positive steps (It was a therapy called CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) to help myself get better. I don't know what will work for you hun, but please, please don't blame yourself. Just reach out to someone or something - if you can't face your Doc have a look at the depression alliance on the internet, or keep talking on here, email me anytime. You already know that being with animals (I have a cat I love to bits) helps. Exercise helped me too. Being outside helps as well (don't you hate it when your parents are right!). There are things that can help, you just have to be brave and take that step. You aren't alone, and you aren't to blame.

    Massive hugs,

    BS xxxxx
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