Another rant

Sorry, this is going to be really ranty.... so look away if easily offended!

My head is in such a mess over ttc. I'm an absolute wreck. I just keep thinking about how pregnant I should be and getting angry that I'm not.

I had a very early miscarriage again last week (can't have been more than 5 weeks.. wouldn't even have known if I didn't test like a loony) and whilst it was nothing compared to the horrors I went through with the first one, it's really knocked me for six. I haven't really been able to stop and think about it until today as I've been so busy at work. I have next week booked off as holiday and to be honest I'm just dreading it because I don't want the time to think about everything.

I'm scared of how I'll react if we don't get our bfp this month, and I'm scared of how I'll feel if we do. I have tried so hard to be positive since our miscarriage at 10 weeks in early August but with every month that comes round I just feel my heart breaking even more.

I'm dreading Christmas because I remember looking forward to this time of year when I was pregnant and thinking about how at that point I would be 6 months gone and really blooming. If I'm not pregnant (and there's only one chance between now and then), then the grief will just start all over again. And if I am, then I'll just be so worried that I won't be able to enjoy myself.

I just feel like I've been completely robbed of all the joy I had when I was pregnant and in any future pregnancies. I'm finding it really hard to focus on much else other than babies and my miscarriages at the moment which is ridiculous because I know that that really won't help.

I can't focus at work and I'm losing contact with a lot of friends because I can't stand to be around them and their babies. I saw one girl for the first time since the miscarriage last weekend. I haven't seen her since we were both pregnant and she has had her baby since. The first thing she did after saying hello was to thrust a thank you card for the gift voucher I sent her into my hand with a picture of her baby on the front. I just burst into tears and walked away. She fell pregnant accidentally and spent her whole pregnancy complaining about it, even though she knew what a nightmare I was having.

I am so angry and hurt and I can't get the feelings out because there's nobody to listen. I feel I've been so abandoned.

I'm on about CD7 at the moment so it's a week or so until my fertile time starts and I just don't know how I'm going to bring myself to doing any baby making. I'm frightened of getting a bfp and I'm frightened of not getting one. I just don't know how I'm going to cope with this.

It's just so f***ing unfair that I thought at this point I'd be in the region of 24 weeks' pregnant and being able to look forward to being a mum, which is what I want more than anything. I'm surrounded by women who seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

I just can't do this anymore. I really can't.

Posts

  • oh hun so sorry to hear this has happened to you again. I know I've only had one MC, and it must get so much harder each time. but you have to remember from last time that the first few weeks really are the worst, and you will slowly start to feel better.

    xmas is going to be awful for all of us if we don't get our bfp's. I would have been 5months so understand how you feel about that bit of things. We'll just have to look after each other in here.

    anyone who is a real friend should still be there waiting for you, when you are ready to see them. one of our v good friends is 9wks pg and I haven't seen or spoken to her since she got her bfp, even tho hubby's seen them. but I'm sure she will understand why.

    I know we all want the BFP before xmas, but are you sure you're ready to ttc again straight away if it's scaring you this much?

    Gems
    xx
  • oh no... im sorry beccaroo image maybe you should think about it a little more before ttc agian right away, you have to take care of yourself first..... im sending you lots of hugs!!
  • I am so sorry for your loss. It's weird how much of this post is exactly like me! I am obsessed with becoming pregnant again and I think about babies all day everyday. I would have been due December 17th, so I think about how disappointing it's going to be not having my baby for Christmas this year. It is very hard to deal with others who are pregnant too. I really hope you will get your bfp soon. That would be a great Christmas present image
  • Hi Becarroo

    If it's any comfort your post could have been written by me! Right now I just feel incredibly angry at what I have had to go through. Like you I feel that I have been robbed of the excitement of being pregnant, and swing madly between never wanting to be pregnant to being desperate to be pregnant right now. I think about babies all day long too.

    It's perfectly normal for you to feel angry - in fact it's healthy! Denying how you feel will only make you feel worse. Give yourself permission to feel like this and eventually you will feel better.

    xxSara
  • Ditto what m+s has said hun! i too have one more chance b4 xmas but my cycles, the 2 that i've had since beg on august! have been 50 ish days long image now on cd 15, could ov anytime between tues and 2 weeks time!!! i too am dreading xmas - again think we all are! xx
  • I totally agree with M&S & Rocky luvvie - it is unfair that anyone has to go through what we have and with xmas around the corner it just seems to make it worse, everyone thinks about people that they have lost around xmas time. I think that it is only natural that we feel anxious about getting a BFP, and anytime that you need to get a rant off your chest we are all here for you.

    Hope you are feeling better hun.

    Jodie xx
  • beccaroo I'm sorry this happened to you again - it's hard enough first time around but a second is really cruel. Don't think anyone who's been through this could be offended by your post so rant away!!

    Sounds like you're having a really tough time with your frineds and I totally understand you pulling away from them i wanted desperately to do that too but made myself to keep seeing my friends (and there babies) and I'm quite glad I did as even though it's still ahrd I'm not sure how I'd have coped in the future if I hadn't. Your friend doesn't sound terribly sympathetic though - does she know you've had a 2nd MC?

    Is there any way you and your partner could get away for a few days? I hope you feel brighter soon xx
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