Help, Baby or not?


I haven't been on here since my daughter was newborn however, I feel you guys will be the only people who can understand my situation properly and hopefully give me a little advice?

My daughter is three in October and for the past year now my husband has been talking babies non stop. He is desperate for another child but I don't feel ready. My biggest problem is childcare issues. I do not want to stop working however, we will have to pay for two children to attend childcare for at least a year which makes it pointless for me to work. Also, my mother in law currently looks after our daughter one day a week and has done since I went back to work when she was 3 months old. The only thing is it has been the worst mistake of my life letting her have her. It has caused the biggest fights ever in the family. She just won't listen to us when we tell her what we want for our daughter. For example, we won't let her have sweets and nearly every week we either find a lolly in her pushchair or a bag of sweets in her coat pocket. We only allow her to have an hour's sleep in the day now that she is two but she'll walk her around her village in the morning and she'll sleep then she'll sleep in the afternoon again. She also changes her clothes every time I drop her off. Is it me or is she saying my clothes aren't good enough for her? My husband is by my side with the problems but we are banging our head against a brick wall and the moment we say thats enough your not having her anymore it'll be world war three because my husband and I run a business that his father also works at so you can imagine the tension and family uproar we will get.

Every week I dread taking her there. It breaks my heart to do something I don't want when she is our daughter however, on the other hand I think should I be grateful for the free childcare and my daughter loves being there I just don't like the deceipt we get from her every single week.

I have spoken with my husband regarding another child but I have told him that I would not allow his mother to look after it on a regular basis and I would not want to stop work but all I get back is I can't tell my mother that and how can we afford two lots of childcare.

I don't know what to do for the better. I am starting to feel I would like another child but I need these ground rules to be adhered to first.

Am I being selfish to my husband and should I just stop being so picky or am I right to demand the upbringing I want for my children after all it is my turn to be a mother now and she has had her chance?

Please help. Thank you.


  • Im sorry you have some issuse with you mother in law. It so hard finding the right childcare isnt it? I gave up work so that i could look after my son the way i wanted. I felt noone would do it like i would so now we survive on one wage and its hard but we get by!

    I think you mother in law is proberly just being a grandma with all the sweets and stuff and i know its hard but she proberbly loves to spoil her, i know my mum is the same my son will always come back with sweets and new toys and stuff but i know its because she just loves him to bits. As for the clothes Im not too sure why she would do that?? As for sleeping as long as shes still sleeping well at night i wouldnt worry too much espically if shes tired from walking into town. Jack will often sleep more on the days we go to playgroup or park.

    I think its always hard when parents look after children as the rules become a bit blurred i think in the grand scheme of things its only one day a week and if your daughter is happy thats the main thing.

    Only u can decide if these things bother you enough to stop your mother in law looking after your daughter but for me it would be too much hassle what with all the rows it would cause i would be inclined to let her carry on but iam a bit soft.

    I think as you said you dont feel ready for another baby regardless of the above and maybe u just need a little more time before u feel ready too.
    Hope it works out for you all xxxx

  • i agree that maybe you need a little time, i think if you were very ready these issues wouldnt be as big as they are, when we have no2 i will be giving up work, it wont be easy but more sense than working to pay someone else to raise them, i am about to go back to work but i am working weekends so hubby can have LO as i dont trust MIL to do things my way and my mum lives too far away and TBH i dont like the idea of all day care with someone not family as it would be for 14 hours a day its just not for us or affordable,

    i think it is quite hard to dictate how she should look after your LO without causing a problem, esp as she has been doing it her way for so long, for me i wouldnt care and tell her straight that it was my way or not at all but i understand your difficulty, maybe you could write down her routine and say you are trying this and it would really help if she could follow it for you, it may help to make her think she is helping you?

    alternativley you could find a playgroup that your MIL could drop LO at for a few hours so she doesnt have her all day, a way to gradually stop the daycare from her?

  • Hi

    I'm wondering what your advice might be.

    My husband and I recently got married, we already have 2 children togeter and appreciate I am lucky to have them as many people can't have one child let alone 2, however follwoing the wedding, I feel that the next step is having another child together.

    I come from a large-ish family, I was one of 4 children and always invisaged having 3 children but my husband is adamant he only wants two. I gives the following reasons:

    1. Finances. - I feel we can afford it, I don't see that it would be a huge expense that we couldn't claw back in other areas if absolutely needed. We both work and he has a well paid job earning ??30k+.

    2. Not enough bedrooms. - We live in a 4 bed house, the 4th bedroom being used as an office currently so could be converted to a bedroom. Husband doesn't want to sacrifice office and argues that our children shouldn't have to share a bedroom.

    3. The car isn't big enough. - It's a VW Passat, say no more!

    I think the above just aren't valid enough reasons.

    I just don'e feel "done". I find myself thinking about a 3rd child every day, I can't even hear news of friends pregnancies without feeling envious, although I'm happy for them, I just want it to be me. When I try to talk to him, he just says he's happy the way we are. I can't stop thinking about it, I'm a wreck, crying at night, to friends etc.... I just can't imagine my life without just one more child. I don't have a great degree of job satisfaction and feel that being a mother gives me this, I'm good at it and I have alot more love to give to a 3rd child.

    My sister thinks that I should just "trick" him into it, but I can't do this, it's morally wrong and couldn't live with the resentment that he might have for me or even the child. I'm not on the pill, just careful at certain times of the month!

    He's a good dad to the children we have, he's very hands on and I know he loves being around them.

    I'm finding myself thinking about options such as life with someone else who does want more children even though I love my husband and couldn't imagine not being together!

  • Thanks for your reply guys. It does help to see it from other people's perspectives. I'm not yet ready to start all over again with the sleepless nights and breast feeding so I think I need to wait until I'm ready and then worry about chilcare which may then be completely different and I may be able to approach things in a different way I just feel so guilty that my husband really wants another baby and I don't yet. Thanks again. Watch this space! image
  • mrs dixon

    i think you could do with having a heart to heart with hubby about how you feel, if you think his 'reasons' are not 'real' then he may have other reservations, maybe he feels he couldn't love another child as much?? he may feel silly talking to you about his real feelings? you could expalin that you cannot imagine not having another and how that makes you feel, you seem like a smart lady and i hope you and your hubby can work this out x
  • Thanks piggypops

    I've tried talking to him and although he admits he be able to love a third child he says "he's happy the way he is and only ever wanted 2 children".

    Believe me I have tried to explain that it's deeper than just wanting another pair of shoes to which he said he'd give me anything in the world to make me happy but not another child.

    He's not a great talker, he clams up when you discuss any kind of emotion so I'm surprised I got as much out of him as I did.

    I just don't know where to go with my feelings now.

    As I said before, I don't want to trick him into it because of the resentment he might feel towards me or the baby, but I am already starting to feel resentment towards him for his refusal to give me what I want!

    Am I behaving like a spoilt brat?!!
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