Having a baby before marriage?

Hi all,

I was just wondering what your opinions on babies before marriage were? I know plenty of people who have babies and are not married and I personally dont have an issue with it, but whilst at work today a colleaugue asked me what i had done to my arm as i had a bandage on it from having the implant removed, i explained I had the implant out and then we got talking about life in general, she was telling me about her kids and how old she was when she got married etc (i never told her i was going to start ttc) but then she started telling me how she doesnt get why people get married once they have had children, as it doesnt seem right and pointless???

I really wanna get married one day and now she has got me questioning whether or not I should do this first - whats your thoughts?

Thanks for reading xxx


  • Don't let anybody else tell you the way it should be done. My cousin-in-law fell preg outside of marriage and my MIL sat me & dh (wasn't hubby at time) down to tell us her son did things 'the proper way' - ie marriage first. We'd already had a mc before even getting engaged (had been together only a few months) but didnt tell her that obv!

    You have to do what feels right for you and oh - and lo. If you want babies first, then do it. nobody has any right to judge you for it. I know loads of ppl who have babies & aren't married. Some dont plan on ever doing it, others want to. I think it would be wonderful to have a couple of young kids/toddlers there at your wedding - they'd be able to share your happy day!!

    But you have to do what feels right, and if thats have babies now and marriage later then do it. And sod the woman in your office! There is nothing 'wrong' with it anymore than it is 'pointless'!! No idea why she thinks that. You have to remember that shes probably a lot older as well so her view of things will be different.

    Good luck with TTC, Kel x
  • I personally feel it's what feels right for you, and would never worry too much what other people think. My oh and I are not married, we have been together for 7 years and have a mortgage and had a little boy last June whom we adore.

    We plan to marry one day but it isn't at the top of our list. My family consists of mum and dad who are both divorced and re married and mum is divorced again. My parents do not get on at all and I love my step dad to bits as he has been in my life for 26 years! My oh parents are still together but very different to my family. As you can imagine a wedding would create lots of issues for us hence the reason for delaying it!

    Marraige today is very different to what it was even 20 years ago. I personaly feel you can be just as committed to one another without the piece of paper to prove it. Today it just seems to be about the expense of the day itself and for us we would rather spend the money on the house, kids and a holiday...but that is just our view again if that is your dream to have the dream wedding then thats what you should do.

    I know I've gone a bit :lol: but my point is you should do what is right for you...no right or wrong here just different people with different opinions.

    I think as long as you are committed to each other thats all that matters.
  • Hi,

    I also agree with the others. You should do what is right for you and makes you happy.

    My partner and I had our two little boys before we got married. Some people made comments that we had done it in the wrong order and what we had done wasnt right, but who are they to say - it was right for us.

    We both wanted kids so much and knew that we could give them a good life and support them. I also wanted to have my kids while I was quite young - I had my first son when i was 25. We also thought that by the time we had saved up to pay for our wedding etc, it would be quite a while before we could start a family if we got married first. instead we used the money to buy a house, which we felt was really important, so that the child had a stable enviroment etc.

    I then had my second son when i was 27, and then my partner and i decided we were then in a position to get married. i also had wanted to get married before the boys were old enough to go to school so that the whole family had the same surname, i felt this was important for the boys sake. We got married last year when our youngest was 11months and it was a fantastic wedding. it was so lovely to have both our boys there to share the day with us, they looked so cute all dressed up, and i think it made the day a lot more relaxed for me as the kids took some of the attention.

    Its usually the older generation that have a problem with kids before marriage. my dad wasnt too hapy to start with, but he knew my partner and i were serious about each other and we explained our reasons for doing it that way round. he was soon fine with it, and once we gave him his first grandson, he wouldnt have changed that child or the situation for the world A few friends also made comments like 'id do it properly and make sure i didnt have kids until i was married', but who cares, they can think what they like. Kids before marriage worked for us and if i had my time again i definately wouldnt change it.

    Good luck with ttc.

  • hi, i think i agree with others...definately do what is right for the both of you!
    everyone has different experiences and ideas on marriage and therefore it is a personal decision dont let other peoples opinions dictate that.
    I was pregnant with my son when my other half proposed (he was a happy accident) and to us it was the right decision...i did notice people looking at us and my ring finger when going to pregnancy related appointments and antenatal sessions etc and some older people at work did comment and i think with my pregnancy raging hormones it prob made me more aware but it was the right decision for us. was always in the bigger picture anyway. So we got married in december when my son was 9 months old and was just fantastic. The time off during mat leave helped me to plan and having ds there was lovely, on all the piccies etc.......bit more tricky with the honey moon!! Also it ensures that father has equal rights over baby and any important desicions e.g medical ones if i was not there etc. having the same surname as a family etc, lots of little reasons but the main one is it just feels right for us.
    Not everyones cuppa though my friend insists she will never ever marry kids or not!
  • Thanks for the replies everyone!

    Ali - you sound very much like me - me and OH are engaged and i'm forever talking about setting a date and having a baby, he said I should just choose one (which he's right about) but like you said if I wait till after I get married to have kids I will be waiting ages cos it would take me a while to save for a wedding!

    Why is life complicated? lol well its prob not, its prob just me making it complicated lol xxx
  • i reckon that when you leave school there should be a manual or something.... i didnt know anything!!

    What to do in this situation....

    How to pay council tax...

    How to get the job of ur dreams...
    etc etc.

    I give up deciding whether to have a baby, i keep going in roundabouts lol.
  • I totally agree Rosemary, when I wrote my first ever cheque I had to write it about four times cos I just didn't know what I was doing lol

    I bet things were loads easier back in the day, I remember my grandma telling me her wedding cost nothing as the whole village contributed and their was one wedding dress that was passed round to all the brides, I mean could you imagine that happening now lol xxx
  • ha ha!! i'd like to see that!

    My friend is due in 2 weeks and she is very lucky, she has lots of things given to her from family/friends.... but i will be the first... and noone has any wise words or things for us! I'd love traditions to be passed down, but alas no.

    I wanna get pregnant tomorrow!! I swear to God right, the soaps are against me too, eastenders/corrie/neighbours. ALL BABIES! (screams!!!)
  • My sis had a baby a week and a half ago and its flicked the broody switch into high speed! so i'll scream with you! lol xxxx
  • lol arghhhhhhhhhhhh babies are so amazing!!

    I wanna move, find my perfect job and ttc now.

    i will eat my weight in chocolate as a baby replacement
  • Yes, I'd like to move, get married, finish my degree and have a baby lol I would also like to fit a holiday to vegas in there somewhere image lol xxx
  • lol ooooh maldives for me. We're looking for our belated honeymoon currently... hoping to make our baby on it :P
  • I've been with my oh for 16 years we have had a mortgage together for about ten years now. We got engaged about 6yrs ago and still no sign of wedding bells! Although he proprosed the thought of actually getting married terrifies him! Probably because he has grown up with the unhappy marriage of his parents. But when it comes to the baby thing he is all for it and quite relaxed about ttc. I would think it would be more scarey than a wedding day! lol

    What I'm getting at is that for us babies will definitely come before marriage and everyone will just have to accept it, it's our life. We are married in every sense bar the official bit of paper that says so and more than able to give a lo a loving, stable and very happy life.

    J x
  • Hello honey, g/c -I have 3 and I am married and am not planning any more (yet lol!)

    Just to offer a slightly alternative point of view from someone who has done it all.

    I had ds1 and then ds2 - and then me and oh tied the knot when ds2 was still a baby. When me and oh were just a couple I personally did not feel getting married was important. I know lots of people don't feel the same - but it was just me.

    But, I got to late 20's and started wanting a baby - me and oh were in a v. committed raletionship, mortgage together etc - I just didn't feel marriage was important. So I got preg...

    Then, and again, this may be just me, after ds1 was born I started to be bothered by certain things. LIKE - we had given ds1 my oh's surname - I didn't like having a different name! Like still being a 'Miss' with a baby - it shouldn't matter I know - but it started to for me!

    We went onto to have ds2 - suddenly we weren't a 'couple with a baby' any more. We were a family! I wanted to be part of goddamnit!!!

    So we arranged a quickie small wedding - which was lovely - but oh so difficult with children in tow! We had no honeymoon! We had 1 night in a hotel when my mum had the babies overnight. I killed myself to lose the baby weight, and I did, but I probably didn't look as good as I did before I had my babies! I remember joking to my best friend 'there is a reason you do things the traditional way lol!'

    Anyway hon, we are happy as larry, don't let anyone tell you what to do, but if I had my time again I would get married FIRST, enjoy my wedding and then have my babies.


  • I have to say i agree with mims - when you have no children you can be a little selfish. I have no kids, and am getting married in June - you do not have to spend a huge amount of money on a big wedding, it can still be a fairytale without getting into debt to do it. getting married itself actually only costs about ??150 for the registrar. The rest of the money you spend is you own choice and imho is not neccessarily about the love you have for your oh.

    oh and i had discussed kids etc when we got together but as time went along I thought more and more that marriage, if you are planning to do it anyway, should probably come first, i'm really going to enjoy my wedding -oh and i have saved up ??4000 each in a year - my money is going on the wedding, his on the honeymoon. We are having all the traditional bits and bobs and are going away together for 3 weeks - i can't wait.

    And after that, we will try baby making, i can't wait for that either but once you have kids, your life will change so much, and mariage is likely to fall futher and further down the priority list. Give yourself and oh a little pamper us time first
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