feeling hopeless. need advice please

Hey guys.
Just a background: The OH and I have been together for four years and we aren't engaged or anything yet. We are both 19.
Now I don't know why but recently I've been yearning to have a child. I know it's irrational as I'm a uni student so to get pregnant would be pretty destructive. I just can't help how I feel!
I've spoken to my boyfriend and he's broody too, but refuses to have kids until he can afford it which is a good idea. I want to hold off having kids until I'm earning, but the thing is people around me are getting pregnant left right and centre and most of them are actually younger than me, I know I shouldn't care about what people think and I don't; but seeing their young'uns is really rubbing salt in the wounds. Whenever I see them I actually get an ache in my stomach and I feel like crying.
I don't know what I'm asking for from you guys, but I don't have anybody to talk to about this so I guess I'm just after some kind words and advice. Thanks for reading. I've never felt like this before.

x B

Posts

  • Sakura, its normal to feel broody when you are surrounded by beautiful babies with their proud parents especially if many of your friends are having babies.

    For some people it is the right choice but it sounds like you and your boyfriend have other things you want to achieve first. You would be putting added pressure on yourself in terms of studying and your relationship if you were to have a baby now especially if your boyfriend isnt sure yet.

    What i would advise you to do is find some other activities to do, Why not join a uni club or do an evening class or plan an exciting trip for your uni hols.

    Also if many of your friends are pregnant or have young children you may need to widen your social circle and start mixing with other people of a similar age who dont have kids.

    This sounds crazy advice on a baby forum however i personally think 19 is very young. You could have so much fun over the next few years, get a degree and a career and then have a baby.

    I'm not saying having a baby at a young age is wrong for everyone but personally i had such a fantastic time in my early to mid 20s i'm glad i waited.

    Is there anything you'd love to do, or anywhere you'd like to go or anything you really want to achieve before having a baby? x
  • Hey thanks for replying image
    I know I'm too young and I feel very naieve for feeling this way, the thing is I can't help it.
    I have so much I want to acheive before having kids and I don't want them out of wedlock. The boyfriend doesn't mind but it would
    mean a lot to me as my parents weren't married. the thing is that obv adds time on top of everything else like uni etc.
    I've got 2 years left of the course I'm on (nursing) and then I want to progress onto midwifery no less! thats at least 5 years and I don't want to wait that long image It's going to kill me even though it's the sensible option.
  • Hey hunni. I kinda know how you feel.
    I was 18 when me and DF decided we wanted to try for our first baby.
    I was at college full time and working with a view of going on to Uni to become a teacher.
    I am not trying to talk you into this or anything btw just wanting you to see this from both sides if that makes sense?

    Anyway I decided to give up college and be a stay at home mummy. We went out and bought our first home and thankfully we are financially stable due to DF wage.
    I felt like I have my whole life ahead of me to go to Uni and have a career, I mean I will prob be working til retirement age. I don't miss going on nights out pr going on holidays etc as I dont really like drinking and again I have the rest of my life ahead of me to travel and go on holidays.

    If you both feel this is right for you to try for a child the now then you should go for it ( I felt I would have regretted not having kids in place of a career) but please make sure you are 100% ready for this.

    I am now 21 (22 next week) and we are now wanting to ttc our second child! Once this child is at school then I will go back to college and begin my career.

    xxx
  • Hi hun,

    There is nothing like that feeling of wanting a baby is there?! I always knew I wanted children but always thought of it being something I would do in the future, and then one day something changed and now it is all I can think about!!

    It is a really tricky one, but as you are so young you really do have your options open. Do you and your boyfriend live together? I think maybe having a home together is more important than being married. How important is it to you that you are married first?

    The sensible option probably would be to wait until you at least have your degree, but then I am doing a masters at the moment and am still ttc!! How easy would it be to return to your studies after having a baby? Maybe you need to really research your options, as you have plenty of time and don't need to rush into anything.

    I totally understand both sides, as I am not necessarily ttc at the most sensible time because of my studies, but then I am 25, married and have a degree and a good job, and I am really pleased to be in this position and trying as it takes the worry out of it, I feel it is the right time. Ultimately only you and your other half are the only ones who can decide when the right time for you is!
  • Hello again, Just wanted to say how nice this forum is. Its great for people to be able to present different piints of view without any nastiness, unlike another forum i frequent.

    I think youre maybe scaring yourself thinking about the length of time before you finish your education, Realistically you could aim for your nursing degree, have lots of fun for the next two years an then see how you feel. A lot can change in the next couple of years and you may have come to a firmer decision one way or the other.

    As ttc2ndbaby says you can still study with a child, its just harder work, so there wouldnt be any reason not to have a child and delay your midwifery, if you still felt the same way then. You;d never lose the qualifications you had from the nursing.

    You'd be a little older as well and you may be engaged, planning a wedding, buying a house...who knows! and it takes the worry out of it being 7 years before you try.

    It is ultimately up to the 2 of you though, so good luck with what you decide, but whatever you do have fun in the meantime, you'll never get this time back! x
  • unlike another forum i frequent.
    I bet I know the forum you're referring to! lol

    Anywho... I suppose living together is more important than being married in terms of security for our child but it's a grind at how my boyfriend and I have the same dreams but in different order (my priority is move in together-degree-marriage-kids, his is degree-kids-move in-marriage) if that makes any sense.

    I have made up my mind not to TTC until I finish uni. Well, I've decided to stop not trying if you get me. I'm gonna get my first degree then let fate have her hand.

    The horrible thing is, I know I wouldn't miss drinking or holidays as I never do either anyway!! I barely drink and never go on holiday. I feel so ready physically and emotionally, just not financially.
  • Haha I also know which forum you are talking about and it really is great to be able to come on here and have proper conversations without them turning bitchy ( I usually get told I am too young and that I am daft for wanting to have a baby so young lol)

    I am glad you have made a decision you are happy with hunni and wish you every success with your degree!
    Lots and lots of babydust for when you and your OH are ready to ttc.

    xxx
  • Hi, Sakura,

    You sound like you have your head screwed on pretty well as far as realising that it might be wiser to finish your degree, be married and all the rest of it - in other words, you know what you want!

    Here is an angle that no one has yet suggested and I really hope I don't get shot down in flames for saying so, but if you are actually getting an ache in your stomach and feeling like crying when you see other's babies, perhaps you should see a doctor about some anti-depressants, or even St Johns Wort (a mild, natural anti depressant). I'm only saying this because I personally do take them myself and I love my happy pills! I used to get a funny feeling in my chest or stomach very often when I would see things that would make me even slightly emotional, and get tears in my eyes. It took me a long time to work out that I suffered a mild case of clinical depression.

    It does sound like you are in a stable relationship - 4 years is a good haul! I prefer your order of things to your partner's! haha. Degree, move in, marriage, kids.

    My hubby and I only recently got married and didn't move in together until about three weeks before our wedding, as crazy as it sounds. It's just how it worked out. I had to sell my place, then we had to buy a place together which we still have a mortgage on. That very mortgage is making me uncertain about the whens and the wherefores of getting preggers myself and having our baby.

    Basically, I think there is never a perfect time to have a baby and in the end you just have to run with it. Every mother in the world manages to cope, more or less, with varying degrees of assistance, so I kinda figure that I will be okay in the end when I have a baby, too. and if you decide to have a baby now, it will all work out for you, too. You can defer your degree for a year, or whatever it takes.

    All the best with your decision, anyway!!
    Yvette (from Australia)
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