Mum has lung cancer- planning a family

Hi all

My mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer in October and has started chemotherapy and is responding well and am hoping it can be controlled for longer than first thought (we were told originally she may only have 6 months).

My husband and I were planning to start a family in about 18 months - 2 years and due to failing a current exam, I have decided to take a break from it and now plan to start a family earlier, in the next couple of months (I will be 25 when baby born if fall quickly) . If we were planning to do so in the future anyway I want to at least try to give my mum a chance to share a part of this, her first grandchild.

Does anyone have any advice,? Is 25 too young to be a mum?

I am terrified and although my husband is and we are stable, dont feel totally ready, but do not want in a couple of years have a baby and if I have lost my mum, regret not giving it that chance.

Opinions, advice, anything... xxx
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  • First of all just wanted to say I am very sorry to hear about your mum being diagnosed with lung cancer, but I am glad that she is responding well to her chemo!

    I am 21 and planning our second baby so you are def not too young, just depends on how you feel I suppose, I was 18 when I fell pregnant with our first daughter but I have always felt more mature than others my age (had a full time job, had a car had my own house with my DF).

    Just make sure you are doing this for the right reasons hunni.
    Do you and your husband 100% want a baby just now or is it purely because you want your mum to see her granchild?
    It is such a lovely thing to do but if she gets very poorly looking after her when you are heavily pregnant or have a wee newborn baby isnt going to be easy.

    Sorry if I am not being much help
    xxx

  • Hi Love,

    Sorry to hear about your mum's health problems. This must be a really difficult time for all of you. This is a really difficult one to answer, as having a baby is such a massive and very personal decision to make. I agree that the age thing isn't really an issue. Some people are ready in their teens and others don't feel ready until much later on, it depends on the individual.
    My mum died of cancer in March after 12 months of treatment. In my case, i already had three children, and i know having them in her life did keep mum positive during difficult times.
    I fell pregnant with my 4th in June, and I have struggled at times with not having mum here, but on the other hand, this baby has given me something positive to focus on during what has been the hardest year of my life. Personally, I would not have wanted to be going through pregnancy, or early baby days when she actually died, as I don't think I would have coped, but everyone is different.
    I think the sentiment is a really thoughtful one on your part, and I'm sure your mum would be really touched, and as long as you are doing things for the right reason, then you will come to the right decision for you. I was worried about the new baby not knowing my mum, but my other children have created a memory book, so we will share that with them when they are older, and hopefully through that they will come to know her in some way.
    I hope this has helped, I'm aware I've rambled on!! As I said this is a really important and personal decision to make. Let me know if you want to talk about this any more.

    Take care,

    XXX
  • Have decided to post again, as I just wanted to add a couple of things.

    I can totally understand your confusion - there have been many times in my life when I wished someone would wave a magic wand and a decision would be made for me!!
    I have offered my expereinces here, but I wouldn't want to influence your decision either way, as I said before, it is an incredibly personal thing to decide on, and I don't know what the answer is for you.
    I am sure that if you and your hubby talk it through completely then you will come to a conclusion as to what is right for you as a couple and a family.
    XXX
  • Sorry about your mum. Glad she is doing well on her chemo.
    My dad died of lung cancer 2 years ago, (i was 25 at the time). It was 2 months after my wedding.
    I'd do anything for just one photo of my baby and my dad together and i always try to imagine what his face would have been like when i told him the news, what he'd have said about the name i picked for her and how proud he would have been.
    If only we'd know whats coming we could plan our lives around it.

    You've got to go with your heart and what you feel is right for you.

    All my energy and efforts when into seeing and looking after dad during his last 6 months. There was so much stress on the whole family i'm not sure i could have coped with being pregnant.. the sickness etc.
    Everyones different i know.
    And as fourxone said having something to look fwd to does help. For us it was my wedding which dad really got into, i was something for him to focus on and keep busy with other than chemo, other treatments, scans.
    Not much help i know but somethings to think about x
  • I'm sorry I haven't got any advice, I just wanted to say how sorry I was to hear this, it must be really hard for you at the moment. *hugs*

    C xx
  • Thank you for all your supportive replies.

    FourXone and Pineapp1e, thank you for sharing your personal experiences and how you felt. It has been a terrible time as you both know and you have really helped.

    My hubby and I were already getting so excited about the thought of starting a family so have decided to wait until mum's chemo finishes at end of March and see what doctor's say about prognosis, if it is positive we think we are going to start TTC if they are not sure or the news is bad then we will focus all energies on looking after her and play it by ear.

    xx
  • Glad to have helped. Hope things go well for your Mum. She is lucky to have such a thoughful and supportive daughter.
    XXX
  • Hi Mrs F,

    Firstly i wanted to say how sorry i am that your mum has been diagnosed with lung cancer. It must be such a rollercoaster for the family, and such little time to make sense of it all.

    I am actually in the same position - I am 25, and I am an only daughter of a single mother who was diagnosed last year with secondary breast cancer which has spread. She was given 18 months to live last year although I find these sentences very difficult to take on board and are often wildly inaccurate.

    It is hard to make these decisions anyway and especially when you are thinking of what is best for your mum. Easier said than done but your mum would not want you to comprimise anything for her, or feel pressured either way.

    I have moved back in with my mum (with my very understanding partner) and am very worried about the pressure this is putting on all of us - whether my partner can cope through these times/whether it is better to have a baby now to give mum some peace of mind that I am settled? And whether I will end up caring for a newborn and a terminal mother? These are such tough decisions, and with so much to consider, don't blame yourself if you don't "time" it perfectly.

    I'm sorry to sound so downbeat, I have had some time to really think things through which has made me sound cold and pessimistic - i hope that my mum survives to see my baby (we will start trying in a few months) but also hope that it will give my mum some peace. There is too much ground to cover here so sorry to waffle on and feel free to personal message me.

    Take care of yourself, and like others have said - you mum must be so proud of you.

    xxx
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