The Age Old Question- is there a right time?

A bit of background about me... I got married last april, I am 25 going on 26 and in the final 9 months of my physio masters degree. My husband and I have been together for 8 years on Thursday, come from large families and have always wanted a family together since we first met. However, recently I have felt a buring desire to have a baby and my husband is contantly talking abou it (we recently had a rather drunken conversation about coming off the pill on my 26th!!)

My dilemma is.... is there a right time? I am finishing off my studies so getting pregnant now would be a bit of a disaster for my career prospects. Also, ideally I would like to be more secure financially (we are still renting) before bringing someone else on board! The most selfish reason I can think of is that we have never had a dual income before, so I would like some time with a bit of spare cash before a baby needs it all!!

However, despite trying to 'talk myself out of it' by coming up with lots of negatives I cannot fight what I can only describe as a biological desire/need to have a baby. I have become so emotional lately and virtually cry everytime I see a child! I cannot work out whether it is just me being impatient about the things I want or whether I am really ready and all those other things are just excuses?

I suppose my question is, has anybody else felt like this and if so, how did you deal with it? Sorry for the mammoth post, I just don't think I can talk to anybody else about it.


  • Hi Razzb,

    I have been with my partner for 9 months now and i am in the process of divorcing my 1st husband. I am 28 year old and always thought i would have kids by the time i was 25/26. I personally have decided with my parnter that life is too short and we are going to TTC May / June time around our 1st year anniversary. My Mam is worried about what people will think due to people only thinking i have been dating since beginning of October. I have gone throught he worst year ever last year with having to make the decision to be selfish and think about myself for a change. If i hadn't had the courage last year to make the decision to ask for a divorce i would still be stuck unhappy in a marriage with a baby as a band aid and struggling financially with me solely paying the flat bills (did that for 3 year leading up to divorce due to husbands debt). I guess what i am saying is life for me is too short and if that is what you want follow your heart :\) xx

  • Thanks for the advice Shoegal, I'm sorry to hear that you have had a rubbish year but it sounds like things are on the up for you! I wish I could follow my heart and my damn brain would just shut up for a minute or two!! x

    [Modified by: razzb on March 30, 2010 03:47 PM]

  • Thanks razzb - i haven't been this happy in a long time. Keep me posted as to whether you follow your heart or brain :\) xx

  • I'm with you!

    H2B and I own our own homes in London and the country, have a pretty hefty combined income (most of which is his!!) and are very happily married....... it still feels like there is so much we want to do before devoting out lives to children but that burning need to procreate is so damn strong image
  • Hi all, in an ideal world, wouldn't we all want to be settled in our own (owned) homes, with millions in the bank, having done all the things you ever dreamt of before planning a little one?

    As they say, when IS the right time? I think personally, the right time is when it happens! We have sat down and discussed it so many times over the years, as a future project, and now is the time of deciding when to take the plunge and start trying!

    My hubby is self employed, does very well esp in the hard times the UK has been having, I am full time employed in the NHS, will have been there in my current job a year in Sept, so as long as I am still there this Sept before going off, I will be fine with staying there etc..

    We rent a lovely house in the countryside, and are saving up a big deposit for a mortgage in the next few years.

    The ideal, would be for hubs to earn a whacking amount every month guaranteed, then no worries on my side for finances etc, but, at the end of the day girls, you make it work if it's something you really want don't you?

    We have the support of his parents and my father and his wife (my Mum is no longer with us, we lost her aged 48 3 yrs ago), and other relatives and friends, so I say to you all, if it's what you both really want, and you have looked into it all and planned ahead for the coming years, money and lifestyle etc - easy for us non drinkers/smokers/etc - then nothing stopping you!

    My best tip is write a list of anything you both want/ed to do before becoming parents, seeing the world, etc etc, then get those things done and ENJOY it all, then when you are a Mummy and Daddy the 3/4/5/plus can enjoy your new little unit with every success and happiness! x

    sorry for the long winded and perhaps nonsensical reply!!
  • I am in a very similar position and similar age, nearly 25.
    I am doing a Post Graduate and am a year away from finishing, i am currently wokring and on a good salary and joint mortgage with my husband. I havent finished studying since i left school and am bored of it now image
    We married last year and are very happy.
    I would say that this time last year having children hadnt come up and we were just happy being together.
    Now i have this feeling i just need/want to have children, yet convince myself at every opportunity that i am too young, or want to do more before i have children.
    I almost want someone to make the choice for me. I feel like i spend all my time thinking about it being all i want, yet telling everyone every reason not too!
    Were financially stable and secure...x
  • Hi pondering,

    I know how you feel, it's an endless cycle of feeling that you are ready then quickly 'reasoning' with yourself that there are so many things you have to do beforehand.

    My brothers and sisters in law are all expanding their famillies rapidly at the moment and every time we see them we get the now official family greeting of "are you pregnant yet?" LOL. It's getting really hard to come up with excuses why not!

    It's great that you are financially secure and have a job whilst studying! I'm kicking myself for not doing my physio postgrad earlier so that I would be qualified by now (one more thing to tick off my seemingly never-ending list of 'excuses'!!)

    I, like you, wish I had no choice and found myself this month secretely wishing for the first time in my life that I did not get my period! I wish there was a way to turn my brain off! x
  • I am the same, but on the other hand think in the back of my head that i dont want to do something to early that i may regret in 10 years time, likely finishing my postgrad a year early and then wishing in years to come that i had stuck it out for the last year.
    All that doesnt mask the fact though that i want a baby, its like i have the feeling of 2 different people lol, one time its all go the next its like career career!
    And then there is the possibility i cant have children or will take a time to concieve, so confused!!
  • You are not alone in your thinking hun! I have always had in the back of my mind about having fertility probs. There is some family history of problems and it is my greatest fear. Throughout all of my years in education I have always been driven towards the end goal of having my own, respectable career. I wanted a title and to make a difference in the world of health care. However, although the feeling has been bubbling away for a long while, just recently it has really shocked me how much I really don't care about all that anymore. All I want is to have a family and to give my husband a baby. I suppose my worry is that my feelings and emotions and my damn biological clock are taking over, whereas deep down I still believe I have more to give the world and to get out of the world. xx
  • Razz
    Me and you sound so alike, your post could of passed for mine.
    I thought my studying and career made you as a person until recently, i just wanted to be somebody. I found out that a mum is also being somebody! That your career isnt everything. Since this recent revalation i have lost my way with my studying really, asking myself if its what i really want as when i do decide to have a family my career will never come first and i wouldnt want it to. So i have a whats the point attitude.
    Time will tell i suppose image x
  • Haha, I share your revalation! I think the people on my course are fed up with me moaning about it, little do they know the real reasons behind why it is bugging me so much! I'm hoping a little bit that this most recent hormonal surge will ease off a bit, god knows how I'll cope otherwise! So, for now, I think we should both try to focus on being happy and healthy and what will be will be (and may be helped along by me chucking my pills out of the window hehe!) x
  • Hi hon, g/c from TTC but have been in exactly this position. I was working in a temporary position following uni (wasn't sure where I wanted to go next) which was thankfully made permanent. Hubby was still in education training to be a teacher. We decided to take the plunge and try as hubby has had testicular cancer and we were told we would probably need IVF. We figured a year of trying then the IVF we were looking at a few years anyway. 5 months later I fell pregnant...hubby didn't have a job yet (was still finishing his PGCE), I hated my job, we were renting a tiny one bed flat...we were overjoyed but terrified.

    I'm now a stay at home mam to a 16 month old son, he works full time as a teacher, we own our own house and are TTC baby number 2!! Yes my career is on hold, but to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. We were worried about money, and had been looking forward to having 2 wages as well, but I wouldn't change what we have for anything.

    There is a right time; when your body is telling you to go for it!! Always listen to that inner clock, otherwise there will always be a reason not to try! If you are both ready and have that love to give, then do it. Best choice we made! I have no idea how we manage some months on one wage, but we do, and we are both so happy because of it image

    And having a baby doesn't mean your career is over, you can still make those changes in health care (and to the others of you, whatever your dream jobs are!) but you can do it around a family.

    Good luck with TTC if thats what you decide to do! xx
  • Thanks for the advice Garfield24! It's nice to hear that somebody has been through it and come out the other side happy! At the end of the day hubby has been happy supporting me through my last bit of education and he's as bad as me with the procreation drive (I just picked him up from work and he mentioned something about triplets LOL!!! In fact, I think he's worse!!) I guess I just wasn't expecting to feel the 'urge' so quickly and though I'd at least last until early next year!!

    I'm now thinking that maybe I can wait until one last holiday and a good few months so I can physically do my final clinical placements. Then we will see!! xxx
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