Newbie - any thoughts to help me out? - UPDATE

Hello all,

First post here and I was wondering if I could have any thoughts / musings or advice on what I'm about to write. My head is all over the place at the moment so forgive me if this is not only long but a little rambly....

My husband has promised me a serious baby talk this week - we've had jokey ones and played name the baby before but recently I've been very broody and I want to see where we are really at.

I know from chats that he has a couple of concerns and this has led him so far to saying 'someday but not now' which is very vague. I want to get something more solid on the go - I'm not expecting to say 'yes lets start tomorrow' as I know this is unrealistic but I'm worried that he will keep fobbing me off.

Mainly he is worried about:

- Finances
He is currently self employed and would ideally like to stay this way in one form or another. His current work as a sports coach is rather lucrative although prone to peaks and troughs when people fall ill or go on holiday etc. He would like to start his own business in the near future but this will take time and money, plus it will also be a financially risky step at least at first.

My current job is great but not permanent - I revert back to my old role (hate it) sometime between Feb and April next year so although I will still be employed, I will be looking to change role within the same company. Ideally I want to stay with my company as they also have additional maternity pay benefits (not much but it would help)

We also want to move in the near future but given the current markets it would be a major financial hit and it doesn't seem worth putting off a family for years until we can move when we have a perfectly good home now, albeit that the area isn't exactly what we would like.

Clearly we have some saving to do before we can start, just in case we were lucky and conceived early - I think we'd need about ??3000 in the bank to have a decent shot at not becoming destitute. I'm happy to make an effort to save this but I'd like him to be a part of it too - at the moment because there's no definate plans, he's throwing away money too easily and I'm getting a little resentful.

- Being ready and being a good Father
I'm not sure how to tackle this one with him - he keeps saying he's not ready but I'm sure that if we went for it and he had 9 months to adjust to the idea he would be an amazing Dad at the end of it all.

Im not sure anyone is truly ever ready until they get stuck into it but he keeps resting on this concern (I want to say excuse) adding that he likes our life as it is. I'm not suprised really as I take the main responsibility for the house, bill paying, cooking, cleaning , family birthdays etc you name it.

I just don't like how we seem to running to his agenda when it should be some sort of comprimise.


Any comments are much appreciated!
(P.s He will be 30 in June next year and I will be 23)

[Modified by: CDC on 10 June 2010 19:25:23 ]


  • Hello and welcome image

    Its good that hes talking about it and it sounds as if he soes want kids in the future but has some other stuff he wants to do first perhaps?

    Maybe he should start the ball rolling with his buisness venture that way when u do decide your both ready the buisness will hopefully be up and running? Its fine for you to change roles wioth your current employer as you will still get maternity.

    We too have the issue of trying for baby no.2 or moving first, and we have decided that moving could take time what with selling ours, finding somewhere else and the whole process can take time so we will try for baby after our wedding in Nov as like you dont see the point in waiting for the market etc!

    We had no savings when i fell with Jack and you do cope and having a baby isnt as expensive as you think, just depends how much stuff u buy really! I agree you both need to save together and work towards the same goal.

    I do think hunni that if he doesnt feel ready then theres not much you can pysically do. I wouldnt of wanted to have a baby any earlier than I did (I was 26) as couldnt imagine giving up things i enjoy for anyone and a baby does really change your life (for the better i think)!

    I do think hunni that he does need to compromise, maybe lay out what his plans are and where he wants his life to go, you proberly hate me for saying this but you do have time on your side as you are still young! image

    I hope that helped a bit and I havent offended you at all!

    Good Luck

    Jennie xxx

  • You haven't offended me at all I really appreciate your reply!

    The problem with his business idea is that it is a niche market and he doesn't have any capital or serious investors to back him.

    Consequently between his coaching, his hobby, me and general life the 'business' is an as and when he has time / money / feels like working on it.

    He also has other ideas in the pipeline for what he might like to do for work. (He's like a magpie with schemes) and attached to all the idea is the phrase 'it depends what happens' so its not like he even has firm plans for his future.

    I dont think I should put what I would like on permanent hold because if I did it would probably never happen - or at least not for a long time.

    I know we have time and I'm not trying to rush him or pressure him - I just want a serious conversation and some firmer plans coming into play.

    However when we have said conversation I know he will put up as many roadblocks as he can - most of which will be a load of rubbish because he wont really have thought them through.

    I can sort of accept that he will be ready but then if I let him rest on that reason there's no telling when he will decide he will be ready - knowing him there will just be a new reason for delaying it.

    I'm just feeling very frustrated and confused because he doesn't seem to take very much time to see it from my point of view and the few times I have mentioned children he's dropped straight into the 'not ready' routine.

    Can't have the chat this weekend because its his 29th bday so will wait till next week I think. I'm going to suggest I stop the pill on our 2nd wedding anniversary in March and leave it up to fate - see what he thinks of that. We then not only have time to save but there's also time for him to make some progress with the business and see if any of his other potential job ideas work out.

    Thanks again for your reply
    x x

  • Oh so he has no difinate plans for his career then, so he could fit around a baby?

    I understand about wanting some direction in life, and you sound pretty felxible and willing to let him sort himself out for a while so that he can be ready, but obv you cant wait forever plus its nice to have a life plan. Plus it cant always be about what he wants, he should consider your life goals too.

    Yea your right hunni theres ready and theres "ready" and if he keeps making excuses its not acceptable really.

    Definalty wait for the right time to talk, my oh hates serious talk too so i kinda just start little convos in the car, just before bed etc! That way doesnt seem so serious!

    Keep in touch be good see what u decide and maybe Ill see u over in ttc later in the year!


  • Ok so we had the talk last night and it went really well.

    We went through all the finances so he feels a lot better about that and we had a chat about TTC.

    We've agreed that on our second wedding anniversary (March) we will see where we're at with savings and if we are ok we are going to TTC.

    Basically I'll just stop taking the pill and we'll leave it up to fate, we wont actively try and time it all or go at it like rabbits - we'll just let it happen.

    Feeling a lot happier now but a little concerned as to where all the money is going to come from lol!

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