I am really angry...(long one if you have the time) :-(

Now don't get me wrong I absolutely love my OH's Mam. She is younger than my previous MIL (she was early 70's) and I can't wait for the day that she is my MIL. But she has really angered me this last week. My OH bought his brand new house 3 year ago for about ??137,000 at the age of 23. Now his Mam kind of persuaded him to do it and that it would be an investment etc. To get the house his Mam borrowed ??20,000 on her mortgage to give him the deposit enabling him to get the house.

Since then his Mam has been out of work and on benefits due to being bullied out of her job at the university. Now she is such a clever woman and had her own businesses but had to drop work to be a single mother. She has since applied for jobs but keeps getting told that she is over qualified. Needless to say her savings have dwindled and she has got into arrears with her mortgage. Basically she has laid the guilt trip right on OH's feet. He is 26 year old and now in today's climates has to try and find ??20,000. I have my flat from my previous relationship which I want to finish off and sell so that I can go halves on all his bills. I am so stressed as I hate seeing him so flat and down when he is always so good with his money (hence the holiday - first one I have booked with cash not the plastic).

We are now discussing options. Do we speak to a financial advisor and see if we can get his house remortgaged allowing him to pay his Mam back, do we see if we can get a loan as that might be easier, do we move back into my 2 bedroom flat and try and sell his house (saving for a deposit to get a house together, fresh start). My head is in bits trying to work something out. We were meant to be TTC in May and I really don't know whether it is the most sensible thing to do if we need to pull out more money to pay his Mam back. OH is gutted to be involving me as I left my marriage because of debt my husband ran up totaling ??27,000. I keep telling him this is different you are not hiding your debt and we are partners together. If you have read my other post about being poorly you can well imagine what this is doing to my tum. Had a really restless night with pains etc :cry: :\(


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  • Didnt want to R & R but I would speak to an advisor seek all you options, then sit down together and plan whats best. Hope this helps. xx
  • i think although she is in a unfortunate position, it is unfair to pile it on to you both, i always find the notion of family and friends borrowing money really quite hard as there are rarely any rules as to payback etc and its always demanded back at times when you just cant give it. or on the other hand with someone who wouldnt pay it.

    has she said why she needs it all? could you not agree to try to find 5k to get her going (i know thats not easy but its got to be easier than finding 20k!)

    Do you know if there is much equity in the house? i know some of our friends are stuck as they are in negative equity so they cant get a remorgage or sell as they wouldnt get what they owe, if it is worth more than 20k than whats on the morgage then it maybe worth trying to sell if your gonna buy somewhere alse anyway but if its less theres really no point as you wouldnt get the money to give her

    i think he needs to talk to her about the fact he doesnt have the money at present and maybe come up with a plan about how she gets it back, i presume she never said she wanted it back a certain time? even though you are together its not your debt so i would be careful about selling your flat as that is your security.

    x

  • Thanks Paddington Bear. We do need to seek advice about it.

    Piggypops - that was my thoughts exactly, she is in a bad situation but I don't understand where she thinks he is going to get the money. What i was angry about was she came down to the house to speak to him about it and saw our chinese left overs on the side and said along the lines that if you were skint you wouldnt be able to afford that. It was me that bought it. I just feel as though now he is with me she thinks he will get the money... We have a lot of thinking to do. He really hates the fact that he has to bring it up. That is the problem i have no equitity in my flat and i am not sure whether his would in today's climate.

    She never said a time frame about wanting it back and if she had he wouldn't have bought the house. He has been paying the extra she pays on her mortgage every month for 3 year (??80). I said to him you won't actually owe the full ??20,000. Another thing he does everything to help his Mam unlike the older brother who has no care in the world he loans his Mam his car so when we need it he has to ask! Argghhhh, very frustrating!! Thanks for letting me rant :\) xx

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  • I really don't have that much advice...but I didnt want to R+R!!

    I think what your mother in law is requesting is totally out of order!! Like piggypops said, does she really need it all? You said she had got into arrears but it can't be that much, surely?

    I think you and your OH really need to sit down with her and talk about a way to settle this, some sort of payment plan or something!! It's just ridiculous that she can expect you to get the money just like that!! You have plans and commitments, you cant just put it all on hold just on her say so!!

    I really sympathise with you and hope she is reasonable!!
    Also i'm very sorry to hear you've been ill. Hope you start getting better soon.
    Good Luck with it all
    Dani x
  • Well his Mam and her Mam were at our house when he picked me up from work. Her Mam has loaned her ??1000 to sort out the arrears on her mortgage so it gives us some breathing space but I said to OH last night when they had gone we needed to still look into it so we are prepared and maybes can sort it before she asks again.

    The thing that bugged me yesterday was that my OH has a brother who is my age and is getting married 30th Aug and his Mam is after an outfit and wants one that no one else will be wearing so doesn't want to shop in Coast or Debenhams etc in case that does happen. She was going on about looking for outfits and ordering some to try out of a catelogue and i was just thinking you have more important things to bloody worry about than an outfit! I was careful not to say anything to OH but he said the words first so admitted i had been thinking the same thing.

    I just want to pay the whole thing back then she can sort herself out. The thing is she used to run her own business and has business ideas so think with some of the money IF we can get it will go towards setting up her own business.

    Oh P.S. we both decided that we are not letting it stop our plans to TTC when i finish my pill 29th Apr (next week yey). Silver lining n all :\)

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  • Yeah i agree, definetely sort something out so the next time she puts you in that position you won't have any stress of trying to find it!! Who knows the next time she asks you might be pregnant, and you defo could do without the stress then!!

    I would of been so mad when she was on about an outfit....I would of given her a look as thought to say 'if you can afford that......' just like she did with you and your chinese image lol

    I'm so glad you've not let it interrupt your baby making plans image oooh next week, soooo jealous lol. Good Luck with it all hun
    Dani x
  • I sat OH down last night and told him exactly how i felt. I said you know how much I love your Mam but I wasn't happy with how she went about asking for money back and having a dig at our lifestyle and spending, the way she laid a guilt trip so bad and then the discussion around the outfits. He said he knew exactly where I was coming from and that he would always help his Mam as she is his Mam which I completely understand but we both agreed that if we do manage to pay full amount back that his Mam has to help herself too and make the effort to sort herself out. I am pleased we can be so open and honest. I also found out that her arrears were ??1300 and she has borrowed that amount from her Mam. I am not sure how much time that buys us to get a plan of action together.

    Thanks Dani - only slight problem is my OH is working away for two weeks on Monday xx

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