When did you start to ttc again after being bereaved?

Hi, i'm new to this part of the forum but have managed to post in bereavement after the loss of our beautiful baby boy Thomas on 3/3/10. He was just 1 day old and was born on 2/3/10. We buried our Thomas on 12/3/10 so our feelings are still very raw.

We're still completely numb, words can't explain how we feel but i know that unfortunately some of you lovelies will know exactly what i mean by this.....our hearts are aching and are broken....they will never mend.

Thomas was our 2nd baby as i had a mmc in Dec 08. Thomas should have been our light at the end of a dark tunnel but it just wasn't meant to be...he was full term and healthy but I won't go into it all as you can read my posts in bereavement if you like.

My bleeding has nearly stopped and although its only early days my hubby n I have talked about ttc again. I know this is a very sensitive topic and is individual for everyone but we long to have a baby. We had always said we would have more than one child and would still love for our Thomas to have a brother or sister.

So my question is in the title really, when did you all start to ttc again or are you still waiting? Any advice, suggestions, stories very welcome. After my mmc we waited for 4 months before ttc again as we were getting married and wanted my body to be able to rest etc...after this it happened more or less straight away and we got preg with Thomas.

I always worry that i won't be able to get pregnant again or it will take ages, i'm now 33 so don't want time to be ticking too fast. I understand that my body needs a bit of a break, i also had a long labour but....don't think i can wait too long. Going to ask my gp when i go for my 6 wk check in 3 weeks. We're going away just after this for a week, do you think it would be too soon to try?

Thanks for your support ladies and i hope everyone is managing to get from one day to the next, this is how i'm managing at the moment xxx


[Modified by: Sohappy!!! on 22 March 2010 19:33:06 ]


[Modified by: Sohappy!!! on 26 March 2010 12:15:49 ]


[Modified by: Sohappy!!! on 26 March 2010 12:17:51 ]
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  • Hi

    Im a g/c to this part of the forum but thought id share what i would have done.

    I have small gaps between my children on earth, i didnt go back on contraception after birth just let nature take its course.

    I was sterilised after Ted was born so wont be having any more but if i hadnt of been then we would be unactively trying.

    But ultimatly i think you should do what feels right for you and your hubby, no-one else matters

  • Hi, I have read and replied to your story on bereavemant. Just wanted to add how brave you are being, I know you don't really have a choice but I'm sure your little boy will be very proud of you.

    When we lost Darcey, I was 38 weeks pregnant. She was also our second baby, I suffered a mc a few months before concieving her. Initially we were told by a midwife to wait 2 years before trying again for another baby! This thought devastated me and really brought me down even more. Thankfully when we went for a follow up appointment with the consultant he said her advise was a load of rubbish and that we would only medically need to wait for 3 'normal' cycles before trying. Emotionally he said it was up to us, for some the best thing to do is try again asap, and others wait a long time before they feel ready. For us the choice was to try again asap, as scary a thought of being pregnant and so vulnerable was/is, I will be a mum and we will be a family and I will never give up no matter what. So after 3 months we started trying and eventually after 8 very emotional and frustrating months we got our bfp! I am now 14 weeks pregnant. I have days of complete terror, I almost feel like a ticking time bomb waiting on something to go wrong, but I know and the end of this very dark tunnel there will be a light that will make things better. I hope that will be the same for you.

    I love being pregnant, I feel normal when I am, like it's what I'm meant to do. The 3 month wait and 8 months of trying I felt completely empty and worthless. It's just such a shame my nievety of pregnancy has been taken away and I am completely on edge all the time. I guess that will continue forever now.

    Goodluck with whatever you decide. Xxx
  • hiya,
    as u know i lost my daughter in jan 09 and i wanted to be pregnant agin straight away, i was also worried that it was too soon, too insensitive etc but i had a overwhelming urge to be pregnant again,
    i also before that pregnancy had a mc at 7 weeks, i bled for about 2 weeks with that then never had a period and fell straight away for my angel then after i had her it took me 7 months but i was trying almost straightaway. we knew i could carry a baby full term as i have a 5 yr old daughter too... and we knew that it was infection that caused pre term labour.
    i think u gotta do what u feel in ure heart.. for me i couldnt rest till i was pregnant again.
    another big factor was that my daughter was so looking forward to being a big sis and she still had to have that i felt.
    so here i am 33 weeks pregnant only 27 yrs old but grey with the worry of the last 8 months!!!!
    its not easy but i dont expect a baby if that makes sense... like i dont get too exited although the neaer it gets i am relaxing... but also i have said b4 that being in touch with forums like this make u reealise what can go wrong at any stage..
    ill never enjoy a pregnancy again. i doubt any of us will , much too much worry.
    take care , just go with what u feel , u know best
    Lisa xx
  • Thanks ladies,

    You really are so lovely and supportive so thanks again.

    Team blue, i think thats what we have decided, to let nature take its course. We desperately want to have children and i've now been off the pill since 2007 so to go back onto something, we would then have to make the "actual" decision to stop using it and be actively trying. We used condoms after my mmc but thats because we decided to wait a couple of months as we were getting married. Thanks for your reply, it means a lot and i'm glad that you have other children on earth to love and be involved with and to keep you focused.

    ceilidhA, thanks for being so kind about Thomas being proud of us, i hope he is....

    Gosh, i can't believe the mw that said to wait 2 yrs!!! Really people mean well but don't understand unless they've been where we have, not that we would wish it on anyone.

    I understand how difficult the waiting is from my time before Thomas, it does bring you down more....i'm really hoping that when we go away in about 3 weeks we might start then....I too feel the same as you in the fact that yes, we're already a mummy and a daddy but i really wish for us to have a family to share our time with....

    Congrats on your pregnancy and yours too Lisa, i wish you both all the best in the world and have everything crossed for you, i really hope that both of you can start to enjoy the pregnancies although at the same time i do appreciate how difficult this must be. If i'm fortunate enough to get preg again, i know that both of us will worry from start to finish as we did this time around....

    Thanks to all for sharing your personal stories with me and for posting...

    Please take care all, thanks again, this really means a lot, lots of love and hugs xxx
  • Hi there, i'm so sorry to hear about your little boy Thomas, life is so un-fair and I just hope you find some comfort in talking to others who have had similar experiences, I know I have.
    We lost our little boy Ryan at 37wks at the end of Sept last year. Straite away we talked about would we want to try again and because of our age, (i'm 36 and my partner is 38) and we decided we would. We decided to try straite away, I mean why wait? Fortunately I got pregnant 1st time and i'm now 20wks. It does seem strange that its only 25wks since Ryan was born, and yet i'm 20wks pregnant! Everyone was shocked when we told them I was pregnant again, and I have to tell you i'm terrified daily of something going wrong, but I know thats only natural. I sometimes think if we'd have waited a bit longer then I mite not be so panicky, but I guess whenever you conceive again after losing a baby its goin to be hard coping.
    You have to do what you feel is best for you really, even though you're probably confused as to what that actually is.
    I wish you all the luck in the world, take care, Luv kathryn xxx
  • Hi Kathryn,

    Congrats on your pregnancy, thats fab!! I'm also very sorry for the loss of your little boy Ryan, life is cruel and horrible like you said.

    Thanks so much for posting and sharing your story, it does help to have the suport of others on here as its so difficult actually speaking to people face to face...i only really open up to my hubby by choice but feel i can do this on here too so it does help a lot. My main worry is that my body won't cope with being pregnant again so soon but as a few of you are pregnant now, i guess the body can do amazing things....

    Wishing you all the very best too, thankyou xxx
  • Hi Sohappy.
    I am so sorry to be welcoming you to this forum, if that makes sense. Your story is so sad and I am so so sorry to hear of the loss of Thomas. It's simply awful and I really do feel for you.
    I lost my daughter almost 9 months ago. She was born prematurely (at 24+1) and died aged 10 hours due to Group B Strep infection. We decided that we wanted to try for another baby as soon as we could, and have now on our 8th month of trying. Another baby won't take away the pain but it will help to make our family more complete.
    Take good care of yourselves. It's very early days. Take things a day at a time, and when that is too hard, take things an hour at a time.

    George35, x
  • Thanks George35 for posting and sharing your story, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter....its awful that so many of us have had our hearts broken in this way.

    Thanks for your kind words and for the welcome, i know what you mean. Sometimes we're as ok as we can be if that makes sense, but yes at other times it is hour by hour that we get by...

    Good luck with ttc...i hope we will be trying soon too, you take care and thanks xxx
  • Hi,
    We started trying straight after we lost Ewan at 27 weeks in Sept 09, like Katy73 it was an age thing with us too, I'm 32 and oh is 37, so although not that old we figured if we got pregnant this year then oh would be 50 with a 13yr old child. We had 3 cycles of trying and I fell pregnant in January, I'm now 12 weeks and expecting twins. I'm absolutely terrified to be honest, but i think thats inevitable for us all. Good luck with whatever decision you make, I hope to see happier news from you soon xx
  • Aww, thanks Dotty Jackie, it helps to know what others have done although i know its our decision.
    I think we feel so empty as Thomas was our 1st born child and now that he's been taken from us, we have no other children to focus on...everything was for Thomas, everything.....

    Wow, i bet you were pleasantly suprised by twins, thats fab news although i do understand that you must be worried about everything.

    Just try to take each day as it comes and i'm sure the hospital/mw's etc will be keeping a close eye on everything....keep this thought close and you'll be fine i'm sure....thanks for the well wishes, i hope we're lucky enough to be given another chance too xxx
  • Well, we had a brief talk last night....not sure how i feel about things....i feel as though i want to start ttc very soon to have something positive to focus on, not to replace Thomas because that can never happen but hubby feels as though he'd like us to wait as we want to move house, he would prefer to do this 1st and then start ttc.

    I explained to him that i don't want to waste any time in case it takes ages, with Thomas it only took 2 months of ttc but with our 1st pregnancy (mmc) it took 2 and 1/2 yrs - hubby thinks cos we didn't time things properly it took this long but i'm not so sure as surely in all that time regardless of timings, there must have been a chance when we did the deed at the right time??

    I don't know what to do, i understand that my hubby wants to wait as he says "new house, new baby", i think he's scared for us to conceive in this house again as both times it hasn't worked out. We want to move this year so i suppose not too long to wait until ttc but at the same time i feel a bit lost, what will i focus on now? We're meant to have Thomas to focus on and i just don't know what to do....My hubby has been my rock and only he can comfort me properly, but this is the 1st time we haven't agreed on something....yes its just the timing of ttc but thats so important to me.....
  • Hi, just read your post so thought i'd do a reply before I nip out. Oh its so hard knowing what to do for the best. When I was pregnant with Ryan I kept worrying about things like we needed a bigger house and we should have sorted that out before we started trying for a baby. I had been self employed and had sold my business so was looking for a job, again, I felt that I should have had all that sorted before getting pregnant!!
    Now, we don't have Ryan, but we both agreed to try again straight away, thankfully it worked and i'm 21wks pregnant. And now, I don't care if the house is too small, or i'm not working, all I care about is a healthy baby, the other stuff seems irrelevant now somehow.
    My OH wanted to try again, but he always said it was up to me, as he didn't want to put me thru it if I wasn't up to it. I have to say its probably helped me, even though i'm terrified, I do have something to focus on and I wonder if I would have been coping as well if I wasn't pregnant and thinking about this baby, and only thinking about Ryan. Plus, i'm 36 now so not getting any younger, lol.
    You have to do what feels right in your heart, and if you want to try again now, you should be honest with your OH and tell him how you really feel, maybe he just wants you to make the decision, as he mite feel like he's pressuring you. You know what men are like, lol!!
    I just thought, why wait!! But thats me.
    Just wanted to tell you what I did in the hope it mite help you, but everyones different, and whatever your decision, its going to be extremely hard either way.
    Take care, i'm always thinking of you as I know it hasn't been that long since little Thomas passed away. Lots of Luv, Kathryn xxx
  • Hi I'm so sorry, I've replied over in bereavement but I'll
    add a little to this too.
    I am so sorry about losing Thomas and completely understand the gaping hole it's left you and the over whelming want for another child.
    We lost our baby girl in the womb at 20 weeks and I wanted to ttc straight away, hubby was against this idea- he needed longer but for me I was all too aware it took a long time to conceive and then there's 9mths before baby arrives. Anyway we waited one cycle and then actively ttc after all clear from gp- I got pregnant but sadly mmc at 14 weeks (baby 11+) ..... this time we decided we would let nature take it's course and what will be, will be. We couldn't let having another baby rule us but at the same time we were absolutely not going to rule out another baby.
    I think you both need to do what works for you but perhaps for your hubby if you suggested a laidback approach until you move he may warm to the idea ... Take care x
  • Thanks Kathryn and waiting4baby for replying, it really means a lot to me. I'm so so sorry for your losses too.....i'm so sad that this has happened to all of us....

    These past days have been so difficult, in a way i've found them harder than the initial days which has shocked me. We paid for Thomas' funeral on Wednesday and also went to the cemetry to see him as we bought a lovely plant to put beside him, we miss him so much, words can't express our deep feelings of loss.

    Today we went to the national forest to plant a tree in Thomas' memory (not our choice, someone bought it for us which was nice i suppose but they didn't ask us if we'd like it so we kind of felt that it was pushed onto us). Anyway, on the way home hubby n i had a long chat and i'm glad that we did. I explained how i feel and that i'm almost desperate to ttc but hubby also said why he feels how he does.

    We were meant to be moving before we had Thomas but now that we have the opportunity to actually do it, he would prefer for us to do this asap and then start ttc as if we do it the other way round and can't sell this house then we would have to live here where it just hasn't worked out for us when we've tried to start a family twice, my hubby explained that for him, if it came to living in this house with me being pregnant, that would be very hard to deal with plus he feels he needs some time to get himself together etc...

    I feel the same as him re the house plus if i put my sensible head on then it might do us good to wait just a short time so my body can rest physically and hopefully mentally we'll both be in a slightly better place to ttc???

    I feel so much better that we've had a proper heart to heart as we never keep anything from each other but i could feel some tension before. I guess what will be will be.....

    I need to find something to focus on too which hopefully will help to pass the time.

    Thanks ladies, take care too, big hugs to everyone xxx
  • Hi,

    I am new to this site as to be honest the last 9 months have been a complete whirlwind!! I lost my son Kyle @ 31weeks and 4 days last May, he was our first child.

    There had been lots of complications in my pregnancy i had been in and out of hospital lots and the baby wasnt very active and was told on several occassions i had a "lazy babay" and is i had a scan @ 20weeks (they didnt offer it here at that point) they would most likely have found something wrong with him and may have asked me to terminate. I therefore am glad i did not have that 20 weeks scan, although i do not have my son here with us which with all my heart i wish i could i do have his grave to visit and had his problems been found early i would not even have that, which to some of you may sound really odd but to me it is a comfort. Now everytime i see a rainbow i know its my baby boy smiling down at us and showing the world just hw beautiful he was and still is!!

    After our loss we were completely devastated we thought the world was against us and i completely blamed myself for failing not only my husband but i failed in protecting and looking after my unborn baby and the problems we had with the hospital afterwards did not help, we were made to sit in a room full of pregnant women and i was asked for a urine sample 6 weeks after our loss, only to be told no reason had been found for our loss. We therefore decided we would just not use contaception and if i got pregnant again great. And after 6 weeks of bleeding after Kyle's birth we started to try again, then i found out i was pregnant!!!!

    Another 6weeks went by and i got a letter from my consultant advising that they had my sons post mortem results......but we had already been told nothing had showed up....however when we went to see my consultant he told us a very different story!!

    However, i was already pregnant and now was very scared that my unborn child could end up the same as Kyle, so after daily injections and aspirin tablets, growth scans every 2 weeks and a very worried husband for 9 months i was induced @ 37weeks. The labour was long and hard but so worth every minute!!

    So on 5th March my beautiful daughter Amelie was born and she is completely prefect. The pregnancy was so much easier and now at 5 weeks old she is becoming a proper little character. At first i felt guilty that i was replacing Kyle but i have now accepted that this is not true and im sure he will be looking over his little sister just like a big brother would!! Now i am happier than i have been in a long time!!

    Im sure that getting pregnant straight away is not how the doctors would do it but my consultant although shocked thought it was good that we had tried so soon and my body was perfectly fine. Now its totally up to you but i would seriously reccommend you try straight away i honestly think had i not fallen pregnant when i had i would have talked myself out of having anymore children purely through the fact that the thought of going through that kind of loss again terrified me.

    Sorry to write so much, just a relief to get all off my chest to people who are impartial to my loss but understand what i went through!!

    Rachel. xx
  • Hi Rachel,

    Thanks for posting as i can appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to do so....Also i'm sorry for your loss but also want to say congratulations on the birth of your daughter.

    I totally understand what you mean about finding comfort at Kyle's grave, both myself and my husband also find comfort at Thomas', we've been to see him today....

    I hope you don't mind me asking but what was wrong with Kyle?? We still have about another 2 months until we get any tissue results back for Thomas as nothing was found on his pm, thats if they find anything at all.

    My pregnancy was perfect and Thomas was fine all the way along (he was born at 40+3) so its very difficult to accept that he is gone, he only got to spend 1 night at home, the next day, when we woke up he had already gone...not that its any easier if something is wrong in the pregnancy, but at least that makes a bit of sense.

    Its now been 5 and a bit weeks and we're so totally devastated, we always will be, we've been finding it hard to sleep, eat etc...I just don't know what we're gonna do, part of me is so desperate to have a baby asap but yes, i feel like we'll both be so so scared that can we put ourselves through it again....everything was perfect in the pregnancy, we both look after ourselves, we did everything by the book still for it to result in this...Thomas was our 1st born but we've had a miscarriage before so...are we really strong enough to try again, i don't know....we've been robbed of what we should have had and its so not fair.

    Anyway, i'm so glad that things are better for you and that you are happy again, you deserve it.

    Thanks for sharing, take care and enjoy your daughter xxx
  • Hi,

    It must have been so difficult for yuo to carry full term and the get your bay home and think everything is ok, but hopefully they can find something in his tissue samples as then your future children, if you decide to have any, can be looked after properly like my little girl was. The way my husband and i look at it Kyle was taken from us but in allowing something to be found he stopped his little sister from ending up the same, but even if nothing is found in Thomas's samples maybe thats a sign that you can have more healthy children and that losing Thomas was just a horrible tragic part of your life, and it can only make you stronger!!

    My consultant told us there was blood clotting in the placenta (his blood not mine), so he has not got enough of what he needed to survive, so bascially he had well i suppose starved, this meant i was required to have daily injections of clexane (it was rather painful) and i still have the bruises on my tummy from where i had to inject but i knew it was worth it if it meant my baby would be ok. Then when i was 32weeks a midwife (the first i had seen during my pregnancy as i always saw doctors) went through Kyle's results thoughrouly with us and she had advised that during growth the brain and liver grow at the same speed, however, Kyle's were gorwing at a rate of 6-1 which meant that even if they had taken him out at 28 weeks(when he first started to move less) then he would have still been very poorly and most likely would not have survived, he was also only 980g when he was born which i later found out was far to small for his age. Therefore had i had a 20wk scan this growth abnormality would have been picked up on.

    But in finding these problems it meant me and my daughter were so well looked after and i was induced at 37 weeks as planned. I got 10 scans in total during the pregnancy and every time i did i was terrified she would not be ok but being able to see her heart beating and see her wriggling on the screen just made it so much easier.

    I visit Kyle when i can as we live 110 miles from where he is buried and it has been almost a year now but everytime i visit him the feelings are still raw, but having Amelie has made me realise that we may not have our son here with us but we were blessed to have him at all!! And you may not believe me now but i promise it does get easier!!

    xxxx
  • Hi again Rachel,

    I'm so sorry to hear about Kyle, its so sad, unfair and painful. I'm so glad though that you and your daughter were looked after properly and you've all had a happier ending as devastating as it was to lose Kyle. It must be difficult not being able to visit his grave but at least you have a little one to keep you busy and you go when you can...

    Yes, its extremely difficult for my hubby and i to have any understanding of what has happened as everything with Thomas was perfect...don't know really if any results will help...deep down i suppose maybe for the future, i don't know....we were looked after really well, i have no complaints at the moment anyway.

    I totally understand trying to take something positive from what has happened (god knows how thats possible) but like you and your hubby, we try to find comfort in the fact that Thomas was too precious and special for this world, life is way too short so we're trying to focus on things that we have put off for one reason or another to enable us to move forward if that makes sense, as we know Thomas wants us to be happy and he watches over us.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing again xxx

  • Hi Ladies,

    I've got a question that i hope you can help me with.....hubby n i are taking a laid back approach to ttc... I've still not had a period which i know is normal, the gp also said that he wouldn't be suprised if i went at least 3 months without one, its now been just over 2 months as Thomas will be 9 weeks on Tuesday.

    Anyway my question is although we don't know what my body is doing re ovulation etc., we do know that i can get pg so should i be taking folic acid as a precaution just incase??? I also drink freshly brewed coffee and have the odd glass of wine, should i be thinking about stopping these too???

    I've turned into such a worry wart and although we know its probably not that likely at the moment due to the emotional distress that we are experiencing, should i be thinking about these things or should i just carry on and try to relax???

    Not sure if this makes any sense, hubby n i, i think have made the decision that we are ttc but just in a casual way so not to put too much pressure on ourselves. we miss our little Thomas more than ever, i don't know if we even know if we are doing the "right" thing but sometimes thinking is just too much......

    Thanks xxx
  • hiya!
    well an answer to ure question, i would defo take folic acid as ure body will probly need it being as its not long ago u gave birth.
    coffee and alcohol i really wouldnt worry about!
    we was trying for 8 months after my angel baby with no luck and was being healthy etc, we went away in august last yr and i drank at least a bottle of wine a nite for a week !! yes really a bottle! ( well i was on hols lol) and i actually concieved on holiday!
    and i drank up untill bfp.
    with regards of it being the right thing to do , there is no right thing to do just follow ure heart really, after my baby last yr i was DESPERATE to be pregnant asap!, felt a bit guilty like i was trying to replace her but i was just so desperate! so this was right for us!
    its very possible to fall preg without a period as before my angel baby i had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, bled for about a week then fell preg straight away with my angel baby!
    thinkin of u , its still so fresh for u , i would imagine getting preg would give u something to focus on?
    hope that helps
    take care, take it easy
    Lisa xx
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