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Dealing with Pregnancy Envy

Im not sure why i'm writing this, it just feels cathartic to put down my crazy thoughts in writing as I don't feel I can discuss this with anyone I know because its hard to understand the emotional rollercoaster of TTC.  

I find myself becoming bitter towards my best friend who is pregnant and starting to grow a bump.  Being 30 something (she is younger) my group of friends biological clocks started ticking so most couples in my social circle are either pregnant, have children or TTC.  We have been TTC for a while now and no joy, I have irregular cycles and suspect an underlying health problem but no joy with the docs initiating tests.  I long for nothing more than having a child and every month is a gut wrenching disappointment where (TMI) your body reminds you for several days that you have failed image.  

I am genuinely happy for my friend but i'm gradually finding myself thinking dark thoughts.  She was told by her docs that it would take a while to become pregnant due to health issues she has.  However she became pregnant first try and according to her dates it feels like she likes to regularly remind me that it was literally the very first time they BD without contraception. Shopping for maternity wear she even told me that she is worried that this is the wrong time for her to be pregnant because she didn't expect it to happen so quickly.  This feels like a knife to the gut, I want to scream at her that its not fair, i find myself thinking your not ready I would make a great mum and you only jumped on the TTC band wagon because we were having issues.

Im honestly happy for her but inside im throwing a tantrum.  I don't want my dark thoughts to impact our friendship but I find myself wanting to avoid her.  Did anybody else go through this?


  • Hi stillgothope,
    We read your post and wanted to say, you're really not alone in how you're feeling. There are so many other women here on MFM with similar thoughts and feelings, we wanted to let you know where you could find them. 

    There's this thread about the TTC blues...
    This thread for women TTC their first...
    And this thread for things you'd like to say, but won't... 
    We hope they help. 

  • I completely understand how you feel. I work on a labour suite also and I'm finding very difficult to get myself to come to work and help others deliver there children. 

  • My Heart goes out to you. I had a miscarrage at 24 weeks which is actually not a miscarrage but a still birth with my first child so I know the pain and longing of loosing/wanting to be a mother. it took me too years to get pregnant again I used the Ovia app and I was pregnant on the first month. I have 45 day irregular cycles as well. i thought something was wrong with me until I learned that you can only get pregnant 12-24 hours a month. Or if your lovers sperms is strong enough to live 5 days inside you the window is a Six day window. 

  • I'm the opposite I'm afraid. This is ur friend and assuming she "jumped on the ttc band wagon" because you are ttc is a little bit of an arrogant Way of thinking especially as I'm not so sure her life revolves around u. Shes fallen pregnant quick given her health issues so the natural panic of omg will I be a good mum am I ready is totally normal and she's every right to feel like that because she wasn't expecting to fall so easily . Having dark thoughts about her is tbh not nice at all because I can only imagine by ur post what u are hoping may happen. All I see here is sheer jealousy. Yes it's hard when ur ttc and u resent every pregnant person around you but u don't know their story. U don't know how long it's taken them. What heartache they may have had before finally getting pregnant. Maybe if you quit feeling all this resentment and unnecessary dark thoughts  it may actually happen for u. Yes im sure u will be a great mum but u really do need relax because it sounds like ur obsessed and im sorry but it just never happens when all u think about day and night is soon as u stop obsessing quit resenting and actually try relaxing THEN  it will happen. I'm 38 now and have been trying for 10 months with no luck.  I have a friend who has PSOS and Endometriosis and she's just given birth to her 3rd baby in 5 years and gets pregnant  so quickly despite her health issues. Yet i don't resent her or those who r pregnant around me. Why? Because I'm not like that and because all that negativity and bitterness won't make me fall pregnant. So maybe try  "not trying" ! in other words quit thinking about it just keep having sex, enjoy ur partners company. Good luck. Sorry for the rant but the mum in me felt u needed some honesty. X

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  • I understand completely. Ive been ttc for 4 years. Dont feel guilty, longing for a child is completely natural. I will keep you in my prayers.

  • I totally understand how you feel!!! I have had 3 losses and I beautiful daughter, I just had my 3rd loss this last month and it is so hard to see other pregnant women esp. Friends.

  • I completely utterly and definitely get what you mean.... I just put a post on pretty much saying the same thing... 

    I used to be such a positive person and every month i would be excited and jolly and plan and see myself getting that positive... nearly 10 years down the line, i'm starting to lose my mind. 

    I dont have an advice for you im afraid.. the lady that wrote about letting go and relax is probably right, negative thought dont get anyone anywhere.... but its so hard to pull the positive from a situation that you have no control over...

    im trying to be a little bit kinder to myself and find time to relax .

    hope it happens for you xx

  • Sooooooo after a long long long time of trying it worked. I'm pregnant. I hope this doesn't rub salt into raw wounds but i thought I would share two changes I made in a hope that they may help others. I put my success down to these.

    I started drinking red raspberry leaf tea, the verdict is out on whether it actually workes scientifically but I feel that it had a drastic impact on my cycles I.e. They went down from 40+ days to 29. You can get it online or in Hulland and Barratt if your in the UK

    Warning ⚠ TMI, also started using a mooncup which I inserted after the deed. It keeps the swimmers up there giving them a better chance. I put success down to this as conception was on the first month of using a mooncup.

    Good luck ladies I hope it happens for all of you. Keep positive but always remember it's ok to wallow in self pity for a moment as long as we can pick ourselves up. That's what makes us human afterall. I'm sure it will happen even when you are about to give up xx

  • Wow stillgothope, congratulations! We have a Due in Nov 17 Birth Club right this way if you fancy checking it out and thank you for coming back and letting us know about your BFP!

  • Congrats. I'm not sure how u can say my response was trolling. That's utter rubbish. My response was honest. It wasn't nasty one bit. Sometimes the truth hurts. But really.... U can't expect to write a post like that and hope everyone will feel the same as u and then accuse them of trolling when they don't agree with u having dark thoughts about yr pregnant friend. As someone else said, my advice of relax and stop these bad thoughts is actually GOOD advice. I hope u AND ur friend will have healthy pregnancies

  • I whole heartedly know where you are coming from. I had shocked and disgusted myself with my inner tantrums after 9 years of TTC. 

    I didn't used to get envious, but the more time goes on I  can't control it.

    This last 2 years, my sister has gotten pregnant ... even though PCOS is meant to be hereditary. My Brother on law's gf has announced she is pregnant and 3 or 4 old colleagues have recently announced on FB the arrival of their first baby.

    Then there is work life .... 2 woman have just returned from maternity leave and naturally talk about their child a lot ... while I'm sitting eating nuts, taking pills, researching fertility aids and still nothing.

    So yeah, sorry for the slight rant. 100% understand the kick in the gut feeling. For me, the initial 'reveal' of someone announcing they are pregnant I'd the hardest, I feel depressed for a week or two, then my mind seems to just accept it and relax. I hope you find a coping mechanism to keep your friendship, so that once you concieve, your friend is there for you too image

  • Ah just seem your new post STILLGOTHOPE image

    Massive congratulations and wishing you a healthy pregnancy x

  • I feel your pain (Think Positive) .. I really DO. My sister is very fertile and has 2 BEAUTIFUL kids. But she is goofy a** F***, immature and to top it off well RUSH TO THE ABORTION CLINIC in a HEARTBEAT.. I don't understand. I have baby fever like crazy this past june 2016 had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy lost right fallopian tube and now im 3days late i don't know what's going on. They told me my left fallopian tube is blocked due to scar tissue. Im just praying and praying that GOD has answered my prayers.. ( THINK POSITIVE) I HOPE YOU HAVE A BABY SOON AND I PRAY YOU GET VERY FERTILE FAST LIKE MY SISTER...GOD BLESS YOU AND TRUST ME I UNDERSTAND DON'T FEEL BAD....LEAVE IT IN GOD'S HANDS. PUSH -( PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS)

  • Thanks Mrs Thomas image

    I will continue to try my very best in making my body as fertile as possible ... I'll just have to keep up the pills, vitamins and low carb diet in the hope it brings me a BFP :)

    I have finished my first round of Clomid and can start testing ovulation woth OPK'S from Thursday thus week. Even if I don't get pregnant this month, so long as I see evidence I've ovulate, I'll be one happy lady as know I'm on the right track.

    I wish you all the best too, stay strong and don't give up. Sending lots of baby dust your way image

  • Aww hun that's totally normal it's almost impossible to be utterly happy for someone that's getting somthing you want more than anything in the world without having some naggly jelous feelings or resentment especially if it happens for others so easily..

    Have to say once I decided a was ready to have a child it completely took over everything n it's litraly alk a thought about.. a find it impossible to not get obsessed and it dosnt get any easier wen ure trying for baby number two.. we're finding it even harder this time round and it's just as hart renching seeing bfps every month and al ure mum friends are pregnant again  together.. a thought ad be more relaxed knowing how lucky I am having this amazing little girl and constantly feel guilty on her for wanting another so much but constantly worry about to much of a gap between them or it never happning again..

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