Dealing with Pregnancy Envy
Im not sure why i'm writing this, it just feels cathartic to put down my crazy thoughts in writing as I don't feel I can discuss this with anyone I know because its hard to understand the emotional rollercoaster of TTC.
I find myself becoming bitter towards my best friend who is pregnant and starting to grow a bump. Being 30 something (she is younger) my group of friends biological clocks started ticking so most couples in my social circle are either pregnant, have children or TTC. We have been TTC for a while now and no joy, I have irregular cycles and suspect an underlying health problem but no joy with the docs initiating tests. I long for nothing more than having a child and every month is a gut wrenching disappointment where (TMI) your body reminds you for several days that you have failed .
I am genuinely happy for my friend but i'm gradually finding myself thinking dark thoughts. She was told by her docs that it would take a while to become pregnant due to health issues she has. However she became pregnant first try and according to her dates it feels like she likes to regularly remind me that it was literally the very first time they BD without contraception. Shopping for maternity wear she even told me that she is worried that this is the wrong time for her to be pregnant because she didn't expect it to happen so quickly. This feels like a knife to the gut, I want to scream at her that its not fair, i find myself thinking your not ready I would make a great mum and you only jumped on the TTC band wagon because we were having issues.
Im honestly happy for her but inside im throwing a tantrum. I don't want my dark thoughts to impact our friendship but I find myself wanting to avoid her. Did anybody else go through this?