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Just need an outlet

Hi ladies, I'm new here and I just need someone to talk to. I hope this is a friendly place because I need some support. 

Forgive me, this may be long.

I'm 32. After a few months of trying to conceive in 2016, we found out we were pregnant unexpectedly which was fantasic news. Unfortunately, that faded fast - I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have emergency surgery. I lost my right tube. The loss took a lot out of me.

We began trying again in 2017 and with the help of a doctor on Harley Street did some cycle tracking and were pregnant during our first round, naturally. That was October. I miscarried shortly after. We had been trying for a total of six months before we had conceived that time, give or take a month or two. 

The two pregnancies were not related, of course, but they have been difficult for me. We went through three cycles of cycle tracking and are now moving on to other things. I ovulate basically every month, have regular cycles, my uterus is fine and everything else has been checked through both cycle tracking and internal examinations. If I'm not pregnant this cycle (I'm on day 30, took a pregnancy test today and it was negative, took one yesterday and it was negative), we'll begin Clomid. 50 mgs from days 2-6 of my cycle. I'm already on progesterone as a precaution which I'm putting in via suppositories - not very glamorous. 

If I find I'm not pregnant this cycle, we'll also have a dye test to double check my remaining tube is clear, although this isn't a serious concern as I've been able to conceive. The question is just as to why it takes so long or why we haven't been successful in what's been over two years of trying. I guess you could say those pregnancies were a success but it's been very painful.

I am working with two doctors, get fertility reflexology once a week and am trying to learn how to do yoga for stress relief and some meditation. I think I'm doing everything I can. I take my vitamins daily. My husband has had his sperm checked, is taking his Zinc and selenium and his a very supportive and positive partner.

I just feel lost. And overwhelmed sometimes. And very worried about the future. Can anyone give me some positive words of wisdom or has anyone had a similar situation? 

I really am trying to be hopeful for the future. Trust in the process. Trust God or the universe. Try to find positivity and look for signs. Listen to my body. It's just a lot to take in when you're a living science experiment - which I know many of you can identify with.

I have no one to talk to about this. After the ectopic, I totally shut down. I've lost my confidence, my world view has totally changed and I'm not the same person I was before - I almost don't recognise myself. My husband had a very hard time with my breakdown and I'm trying to ensure I don't put all the pressure on him and tap into communities like this for help.

Is anyone out there who understands how I feel?

Thanks for listening. 

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