3 years TTC, any advice/other stories?

Hi All, 

I am really new to this and have never written a blog or thread or anything. I just wanted to share my story and ask some questions along the way, and hopefully keep it relatively short.

We have been TTC for 3 years now, admittedly not constantly as we sort of had a break from 'trying' in the middle (when I had a bit of a breakdown), but still not using contraception. My mum had me quite young and I always wanted to do the same to have a similar relationship. Anyway skip through the bad relationships (in which I didn't always use contraception but never fell pg) and I met my partner, after a year or so of being together we thought it was the right time to start trying.

In the first few months of us trying two of my best friends and my younger sister got pg (two of which had never expressed an interest to have kids, and one of which was on the pill at the time), this for me was great news but so heartbreaking at the same time. I felt like the worst person in the world for not being truly happy/feeling upset. I went a bit off the rails and hated everyone and everything (mostly pg women, I couldn't even look at them) for the next year or so. ALOT of women would then ask 'oh aren't you going to have kids' or 'you better start trying if your younger sisters had a baby' which was infuriating. Once my niece was born I was so happy she was here that I really did feel happy for my sister completely and there was no resentment left.

I would regularly get pg symtoms, spotting, sickness, sore boobs and get my hopes up so much (every month I thought it was my month), and as soon as I did a test which was obviously negative I would start my period the next day, did anyone else do this/have false symtoms??

After that year of trying and trying and many failed pg tests I think my mind took over and tried to protect me and made me think I didn't want kids atall; that they would drain my finances, time, change the relationship with me and my partner, stop us from doing everything we enjoy. Anyone that asked 'are you going to have kids?' I would say 'no we've never wanted kids' or 'no why would anyone want to do that'.

My friend then started IVF and had a failed first cycle and I think the protection mechanism of "not wanting kids" stopped in its tracks and I for the first time in about a year I admitted that I still wanted children and that I hadn't really not wanted them in the first place, I was lying to everyone including myself to protect myself. 

I have now gone to the GP and am being referred for tests along with my partner, so keeping fingers crossed.

Throughout the whole time one thing I have found annoying is that anytime I have spoken to my mum about this she has said 'well you don't know your infertile' to which I have always replied 'well I am as I don't have children yet'.

My ultrasound I recently had was normal, apart from a hormonal cyst on one of my ovaries, my bloods have also come back as normal. The GP had always said since I was about 19 that I had PCOS, but by ultrasound has said that I don't. Although this is great news I did feel a bit weird knowing the results were normal as I expected something to be wrong, I didn't wish it at all but I was sure something wasn't right in there; I even said to the sonographer 'oh so I do have a womb then' and she looked at me very weirdly. 

Hoping for some answers this year and a whole lot of luck.

Does anyone have a simialr story or any tips or tricks. This week I am currently trying all types of herbal teas, essential oils, diets; all of which I have done before but I just can't stop myself thinking if I don't try again I might miss my chance. I am currently taking folic acid and vitamin D.

I always put myself on a deadline/timer, does anyone else do this? Also when people say it'll happen when you stop thinking about it/stop being stressed/worried, has anyone managed to conceive whilst stressed/all you have been thinking about is getting pg?

Best wishes and luck to everyone and sorry for the absolute essay! 
xx