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Would I feel like this anyway...?

Okay, word of warning - this is a bit of a self indulgent post!

As you know, we moved to the opposite end of the country when M was about 3 months old. We've been here since end of Aug and I feel so, so isolated. I am in touch with a lot of the Scottish based girls on BE and hope to meet up with some of them soon. I visit my parents once a month (stay with them for 5 days) and we go to Baby Sensory and TinyTalk once a week but I'd just hoped to have made more friends by now (I know that makes me sound like I am 5!). I then feel guilty that that isn't enough and that she isn't getting to spend more time with LOs her age - she must be sick of the sight of me!

Everyone is lovely at the groups (although I do feel like - even though we've been going longer than others - that they are all in little cliques). I used to be really good with strangers but I feel like I've lost a lot of confidence since having LO. Anyway, I'm giving DH quite a hard time for 'making' me (we had no choice, he wouldn't have had a job otherwise!) move up here. My question is, would I feel like this even if I were in my old house? Have any of you NOT done a move but still feel a bit isolated?

K x

PS Told you it was self indulgent! image


  • Awwww chick didn't want to R&R. But I totally know how you feel. I do feel isolated, although I do see a few friends it's only ever maybe 1 or 2 times a month. I don't tend to go to groups although DD starts signing classes on Sat so that should be good. I'm just hoping that when I go back to work & DD is in nursery I stop feeling so lost & lonely.

    I think that you are so brave with that big move. Someone did once tell me that you need to give a new place a year at least before it feels like home. So, hopefully you will be able to settle in a bit more over the next few months. Also, as it's the winter noone really gets out much & are not socialable (well I find that) so maybe once the spring/summer kicks in you may find lots of friends!! Have you tried netmums? I have been to one or 2 local meetups & find that everyone is so friendly.
  • I feel like that hun!! Ni confidence at all. Don't go to any groups. Meet up with a friend every week or 2 with her baby for an hour but that's it. Finding it hard to make friends (now i sound 5)

    I think you are brave for going to the groups hun x
  • Thanks girls. Jayne, that's really interesting about the year thing - will definitely keep it in mind.

    It's such a shame we don't all live closer - that would solve a few problems!

    K x
  • I think you're really brave for making a big move like that. I've been lucky in that I met two really good antenatal groups (NHS and NCT) and we've met every week since our babies were born. That still leaves 3 days a week though, and until I was back at work, I did sometimes feel like I was filling my days (trip to Sainsburys was a bit of day out for us!).

    Sounds like you are doing all the right things going out to groups. Maybe you could suggest going for a coffee afterwards to a few people? Might also be worth contacting your local NCT co-ordinator? I don't know how active it is in your area, but they can organise coffee mornings and things and she might be able to introduce you to people in the same position?

    I did a 3 months secondment with work to Singapore a few years ago and I knew absolutely no one (DH stayed at home). It kind of felt like being in the dating game again, but my attitude was never say no to anything, even if you don't fancy it, you don't know what it might lead to!
  • that made me laugh Liz about a trip to Sainsburys being a day out. It was Asda for us and it used to be something I ended up looking forwrad to... sad i know!

    1 of the girls in my area has just set up a group on fb called "flintshire mummies" invited the odd person she knew and just told them to invite ppl they knew and so on and so forth. There are loads of ppl now and hopefully we will be meeting up for a coffe soon (fingers crossed!) x
  • Thanks for the tips Liz. I signed up to Baby Ballet yesterday and a music class called mini movers which means it's only a Monday now that we don't have a planned activity (that can be our Sainsburys day!). I think I do need to be a bit more open to opportunities - it does feel weird though having to try to make friends. It does definitely feel like dating!

    Cozza - that sounds great. We have a similar thing with the Scottish mummies and we have about 25 of us chatting on FB.

    Thanks again girls x
  • Really wish i had your courage. A few ppl i have spoken to online keep asking me to go out with them but im just not brave enough. Rubbish at making friends and really shy and self conscious. X
  • Oh Cozza. It's tough, isn't it? I find the classes better as there is a focus. I haven't been to any mother and baby groups as I don't like the idea of mums just sat chatting and babies playing incase I find myself with nobody to chat to! Then if it's just me and LO playing, well we can do that at home! Baby sensory is really good and they have them nationwide (just google it) x
  • It is so hard to go from having work take up so much of your time to being at home all day long with your LO and no interactivity until your DH gets home isn't it? When I had Jess I met 3 friends through the NCT but was too shy at first to suggest a meet up as my due date was quite a bit later than everyone else and they all finished early and met up whilst still pg but I was working. Luckily at the post natal reunion one of the husbands suggested we girls meet up for a coffee which became a fortnightly thing and eventually led to regular girly nights out. I was still pretty lonely for the other days of a fortnight but I only had 20 weeks mat leave so by the time I had time to think about it I was back to work!

    This time around the other mum on my NCT refresher course wasn't due til July so I knew I'd have to make a real effort to get out there. I actually had less time to kill because of J but didn't want to spend my days sat on my Todd in a play centre with no adult company so I initially went to a few groups at the sure start centre although I didn't really make any friends ere they did get me out of the house (more cheaply an my daily supermarket visits!). Then I found a baby massage class when G was about 5 weeks old and after a couple of months I took the plunge and asked a couple of mums if they fancied meeting for a coffee. From there the group has grow and now there's about 15 of us who meet up either with babies on our days off and we have just agreed to have a regular night out on the last Thursday of the month starting next week!

    I've gone about this a bit long windedly but the thing is that although I've lived in Wakefield since I was 22 (so for 12 years) because I never lived near any work colleagues I actually had no local friends until I had kids and now I struggle to fit everything in. I have been VERY lucky this time around without the back up of a lot of NCT class mates but I think if you have enough classes to go to eventually you'll find one that isn't too cliquey and will meet people who can become genuine mates. It's so hard though, especially kayecee as you've moved since having M rather than before but doing the groups will help you feel more at home.

    Also baby ballet is ace! Jess has done it since she was about 20 months and she still goes now. AND I've met another group of mums through there and we often do something after class and have had the odd night out!

    It may take time but you'll get there eventually - kids are a great ice breaker so you won't have to wait 9 years to have friends to nip to the local with like I did!!!!

  • Sorry - I didn't mean to write such a monster!!!
  • God you were brave asking them out for coffee.

    I am going to make a conscious effort to go.out to groups more just wish i wasn't so shy and just sit there like a lemon trying to think if things to say x
  • Thank you for all that Feebs. You really got me thinking on a couple of levels. Firstly, how I DO need to just stop being a baby and take the proverbial bull by the horns and put myself out there a bit more (if that's the right way to phrase it!). Secondly, after saying how you only had 20 weeks maternity leave with J you made me appreciate how lucky I am to have all this time with M and that I shouldn't take it for granted but make the most of it. Thanks sweetie. Oh, and I can't wait for baby ballet - sounds fab!

    C'mon Cozza! Let's try and be brave this week! x
  • Hi hun,

    Sorry - was sure I had already replied to this, I definitely wrote a reply but it's not here... :roll:

    I think it's natural to feel a bit isolated going from busy jobs to spending all day with our babies - who although are gorgeous, aren't always the best chat... I certainly know I feel like this & know it is worse because none of our family are local, and although I do have friends locally, there's no one I feel I can just 'drop in' on. For you, moving to a whole new place, this feeling of being loneliness & isolation is unfortunately bound to be greater. For me, my saviour has been going to some groups (which I know you do already!) - we go to a singing group once a week at a local library & I often get chatting to random mums & their babies - as well as it being good for me, Benjamin just loves watching the other babies. Also, we have recently started going to soft play places which are brilliant for B, but again I usually end up chatting to other mum's & you can just show up to them any time - whenever you are feeling at a lose end image

    Have you looked at the local NCT where you are (I know you haven't had the best experience with the NCT thus far but don't let that put you off!!)? Do they have any coffee mornings? I know there are lots that go on round here (but they clash with our swimming) & the NCT are a great way to get to know people (and I found that all the people on my NCT course were in a similar situation to me - no local family etc, so we were all in the same boat)...

    Not sure this makes much sense, let alone helps - I have been fighting with Benjamin for keyboard space!), so sorry if it's all jibberjabber, but I totally empathise with you & think the key is just filling your week with groups! Wish you were a bit closer so we could all meet up!


    PS - Benjamin wanted to say: nm2`bbbb2`jknmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm6 - and he really means it too image
  • Thanks for taking the time to reply Ruth. I have you to thank for the fact we go to Baby Sensory! I also took M to a soft play centre today after reading your post. It was free because she is under 1 (bonus!)! I didn't get talking to anyone but she had a great time watching all the other kids! Thanks for the inspiration.

    I know my initial NCT experience was crap but I won't rule out everything else they do (I did a good post natal course with them and our group met up once a week until I moved :cry: ). There are a couple of coffee mornings / bumps and babes but they are a couple of towns away.

    Thanks again! K x

    PS - A message for B: biuwgdo8fwdiwqb;coghofvqwbcf image
  • Hey hun, I went to a group yesterday! YAY!!! got speaking to a few ladies who thankfully are less shy and more outgoing than me. I struggle so much trying to think of things to say. my mind goes blank!

    Off to another meet up on Friday too at a soft play area. A couple of ladies i already know but hopefully there will be new ppl too!

    I looked at baby ballet, water babies, baby sign and they are all pay by terma dn around ??4.50-??15.50 PER LESSON! Sorry for my blondeness but how many weeks in a term?? No idea how much it will total. Dont have a lot of speare cash at the moment x
  • Well done! People always like to talk about themselves (and their babies!) so I always ask them questions if I run out of things to say.

    The other thing I thought of is that when I'm going to a group where I don't know anyone, I always try and get there early. I find it easier to be there and have people join you or to join a small group than walk into a really big room of people and try to join in.

    For the classes I go on, a term is normally about 10 weeks. ??15.50 per lesson sounds steep!
  • i cant seem to think of any other questions apart from how old is your little one. just go blank!

    ??15.50 was for water babies x
  • Depends on the age of the baby I guess, so yours is a good first question! Ok, so they sound a bit trite, but how about:

    How's weaning going?

    How many teeth have they got/how are you finding teething?

    How was their first Xmas (ok a bit out of date but still...)

    What other groups do you go to/do you know of any good groups?

    Is it your first baby?

    What have you got planned for their first birthday?

    Are you going back to work/what did you do before mat leave?
  • ooh ill try and memorise them (or take a post it note hehe)

    thanks hun x
  • Just wanted to let you know... i went to a new group and loved it!!! Only 2 other mums, 1 had a 6 year old and the other had a 5 month old and 3 year old but we got on great. Easy to chat to and time just flew

    Feeling a bit on a high if you can't tell lol x
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