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I need your help / advice xxx

Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
in My baby was born in August 2010
I have an 11 year old son & my Ruby-Rae who is 6 months. Cam was an only child for over a decade and he did well, very confident and out going, always making mates when we went places.



I am really driving myself made with anxiety, worry ...you name it!



I feel like a desperately would like to have just one more baby, a closely aged sibling for Ruby-rae & also another baby with my husband (my son isn't his).



I feel like if I'm going to have another it should be soon. I'm 34 this year & would like to make headway at doing something that contributes some money to the family but don't want to get too involved in something that would be heavily disupted by pregnancy and young children until my baby/ies are 3/4 and are in nursery/school and then I can embark on something without stopping to have a baby. Anyway, I digress.



Basically i only have 2 bedroom where I am am and waiting to get moved which is a pipe dream in London anyway. We don't have savings or make th kind of money needed to buy or rent privately where we live in London so we can't purchase more space either.



I feel like my heart is being stamped on. I want another baby, a close sibling for Ruby-Rae & if I have 1 more bedroom I would be ove rthe moon at TTC RIGHT NOW but I feel like I can't because of the sapce I have. I feel like if we had another baby we would be judged for bringing a baby into out flat when we don't have loads of room etc.



I am lucky that i live in a flat above my parents & 2 sisters and they give me a lot of support but am scared I would be doing the wrong thing & would be a bad parent to have a baby knowing space would be short. BUT I also know that if we wait to be moved we won't have another baby as it is highly unlikely we will get moved any time soon (meaning years).



It's too late to a certain extent as obviously Ruru is already here and she'll be in the same room as her bro until we get moved anyway.



Then I wonder am I being stupid, passing up on the opportunity to have a family (2 children) with a husband who loves me & I love, just because of a bedroom.



I know I;m rambling and probably not making sense but I'm really upset an ddon;t know what to do.



What would you do? :cry:
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    Raeyas_mommyRaeyas_mommy
    it's a toughie hun.

    is it not possible for you to move further out of london where it is abit cheaper?



    dont forget tax credits really help alot too



    if you did have another baby would they not have to move you?

    I also thought that when families had children of different genders they have to be in separate rooms when they reach a certain age, something silly like that but it might actually get you into a bigger place sooner???



    Have you rang your housing management/landlords to find out what can be done?



    Try not to worry, I'm sure there's something that can be done.

    I think you will need to look into what the options are.

    I really want to tell you to TTC straight away because yes it is beautiful having children but first try and find out what can be done.



    xx
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    Thanks hun, I thought they HAD to move us to but it is a kind of useless law as they just say "nowhere to move you love".



    I was going to start bombarding the housing association with letters. I am on the list to move and it's just a waiting game.



    Thanks for the reply!
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    Minnie128Minnie128
    Hi hun,



    It is a difficult situation, but I'll tell you my view on this: in 20 years time, would you regret not having another baby or regret having lived with your baby in a cramped flat? Children don't need much to be really happy and they won't care whether there is loads of space or not. What matters is that they have loving and caring mummy and daddy. So I'd say go for it. It may well be stressful at times but I don't think you'll ever regret having another one.



    xxx
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    I used to share a rrom with my 2 sisters & brother up until i was 15. We were:

    Me - 15

    Sis - 12

    sis - 10

    bro - 6



    When I got to about 12 my mum put a little cupboard & desk across the room so I had 'my section'. I remember dreaming from about 14 years old about having my own room & was over the moon when I got it at 15 years old but I can honestly say that I had a brilliant childhood. I didn't even really notice we were a bit poor (violins please!) until i got to about 12 lol



    It's not really the money as we are getting by ok, it's only really space that's the problem.



    I have just been on the shelter website and they say that the overcrowding laws don;t count yet as children under 1 don't count! Then they are only count as 1/2 (WTF?) until they are 10. At least Cam counts as a person.



    I am also on home swap lists so there is hope I guess x



    My real worry is really regretting not having another and realising when I get older that the space just didn't matter.
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    littlelynslittlelyns
    I would probably go right ahead and have another!! If it was me I would put a sofa bed in the living room, keep all your bedroom stuff in your room but use your room to put one of the children in. I know it's not the best situation but I have thought about what we would do too, we are in a 2 bed, luckily we are moving to a bigger house now but me and hubs would have moved into babies room and then two children could have shared our big bedroom. There are always ways round it!! xxx
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    faithiefaithie
    Hiya. I'm a housing advisor and we get contacted by people in your situation frequently. Northern Ireland has seperate legislation to England so it might be different but our housing lists are based on a points accumulation system. Overcrowding will get you on the transfer list with 10 points for every extra room you need. So if it is the same in London you will only have 10 points which will get you know where. If you are assessed as homeless here you get 70 points plus the 10 for overcrowding which will give you a chance and it means they have a statutory duty to rehome you, this duty does not exist if you are just on the transfer list. You wouldn't be classed as homeless in the traditional sense but you can make the arguement that your accomadation is so unsuitable that it shouldn't be considered as reasonable accomadation. Again, this is based on NI legislation but it should be more or less the same. I would contact Citizens Advice and they should be able to help you find out if you have been assessed properly and have the right points to get you an offer. I would hold onto a secure tenancy with both hands as they are gold dust especially in London. Hopefully if you can get a bit of help with a new place the decision about another baba will be easier for you.
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    ah faithie, it's only the space that's effecting the decision. Give me 1 more room & I'd be TTC this minute! I wouldn't be here chatting, I'd be BDing lol



    It doesn't help that we LOVE where we live & don't want to move but need the space. it's heart wrenching I need to move from my family image

    I love having my family just downstairs!



    The rules seem similar to NI except we are not a priority until Ruru is at least 1. Cam actually sleeps at his dads half the week (his dad lives across the road pretty much) so we are going to get a space saving cot for our room & have Ruru in our room when Cam is at home & when he's at his dads we'll put up the travel cot (we have one with a bassinet) in Cams room & she'll sleep in there on those nights as I was worried about her waking Cam up.



    Ray is such a good daddy and he adores Ruby-Rae, it would be magical for us to have 2 children together
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    faithiefaithie
    Awww, its so hard these days. My mum and dad were broke and 4 of us shared a room but it never stopped them from having the family they wanted. Do I remembering you saying that you have been getting some help with anxiety and depression? If you can get some evidence to support that a move to a bigger place would benefit your mental health and that cramped living conditions are contributing to the problems, you could argue that they should consider your case before ruby rae turns one. Things like letters from your GP, HV, counsellor etc. You have to sort of pull out a sob story and put everything in front of them to show them you are more deservibg than another family. And its only 6 months till she's one anyway (eeek where is the time going?!)
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    it's going so fast and I need to be up the duff by Oct/Nov to have a 2 yr age gap and I'd love that or a little less!



    I'm going to speak to my therapist & ask about getting a letter. I wanted to ask her but didn't want her to think I was using the sessions to get moved.
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    MummyEmsMummyEms
    how big are your current rooms? personally i would definitely have another baby...get bunk beds, have the baby in with you for 6 months...have two more!! I would never hold back on having a family because of space, my parents used to share beds when they were growing up, in a two bedroomed house and both having four siblings. Its love and time spent with them that children need...not space





    get baby making love



    xxxx
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    That's what I feel in my heart x. I was scared that I was doing wrong by my kids by following my heart tho x
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    MummyEmsMummyEms
    What do you think your kids would prefer...space or a permanent play mate???



    xxxxxx
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    image. as Cam was an only child for so long that I've always ended up paying for his bloody mates to come on hols with us etc so he had company!



    I think Ruru would love a playmate and as Cam is at a much different stage in his kid-ness it would be amazing doing things with 'the kids' image
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    MrsGiggles1983MrsGiggles1983
    If you are suffering with depression are you sure it's wise to have another baby? (not being nasty just thinking of things you need to ask yourself if you haven't already)



    Have you asked Cam how he feels about having another brother or sister that would be sharing his room eventually?



    Surely being able to afford the space is put of being able to afford another baby, so if you can't afford the space can you afford another baby?



    I don't mean to offend with these question, just giving you things to think about.



    I'd love another, we live in a 3 bed house (at the minute we're probably in negative equity so can't afford to move), we have 2 children one of each and currently they have a room each.

    Hubby wont have anymore until we can move house, when he was at home he shared a room with his younger brother (hubby is 4 years older than his brother) and as much as he loved sharing with his brother, he would of loved his own space especially when he got to the teenage stage. So it's not looking likely that we will have anymore.

    (He also panics about how ill I get and how scary our labours are)



    To be honest if the only thing stopping you is space then go for it!
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    Where I live affording extra space is nowhere near comparable to affording a baby. To rent privately or try to buy we would need to find something like an extra ??600-??800 a month just to get something simple. I live in a housing association flat so our rent is very cheap, only about ??400 a month, hence me being able to stay off work for a while. I am seeing someone at the moment for anxiety (I have suffered depression in the past) but I am suffering anxiety linked directly to events at my old place of work 2 years ago. Luckily it's not PND & looking after the kids actually decreases my anxiety (although thats not why I want another!).



    I'm not offended by the question Hun, that's why I've posted here right? I think the cost of another baby now for us wouldn't be too much more and we could afford it but renting privately would just cost too much.



    I have also spoken to my son and he says he would like another sibling. As I say I already only have one baby so the room is shared already (unless I make Ruru a room in the airing cupboard! lol).



    I can't imagine what life would be like without my siblings even though they often annoyed me when I was 14 lol
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    Minnie128Minnie128
    lol hun, i shared a room with my little sister and I spent my teenage years wishing I had my own room, but before then I remember being so happy I was going to have a sister, as it meant I would share a room with the baby rather than my brother sharing his with a baby boy.



    For us, money will be more of an issue than space (although it would be an issue too - Our 3rd bedroom is my DH's office at the moment)as I need to work but we would never be able to afford 2 lots of nursery fees...
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    I am very lucky to be able to stay home for a while and also becasue I live just upstairs from my family my sister is happy to look after Ruru a couple of times a week so i can go back part time when the time comes.



    I said a prayer last night..lets see what happens (I expect to win the lottery on Wed)!
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    MrsGiggles1983MrsGiggles1983
    If you win the lotto can you prayer for me image good luck x
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    Jubilee77Jubilee77 Regular
    I'll see what I can do! image
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    MummyLintern2BeMummyLintern2Be
    Jubilee , all i can say is nobody can make the decision for you and you really shouldnt worry about what other people will say



    if you feel you can cope with the lack of space and with another young child you have your answer , are you just nervous or is it more than that ?



    we only have a 2 bed house and cant afford to move as we are in negative equity but will be trying for another baby in the summer as we can keep the little one in our room for a while and there is potential to extend on our house long term but people have already told me to wait another few years and not rush into another. If the only bad thing my children have to say about their childhood is that they had to share a room when they were little i will have done a great job as a parent !



    xx
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