been a while i no but need to clear my head any help welcome

Replies

• Options

  waiting4baby

  Dec 13, 2009 6:21PM

  Oh holly really sorry to hear you're not having a good time atm. Do you think maybe you are just stuck in a rut and need a holiday break from normality type thing with oh?????
  It's hard because you've got Ryan too, does he feel the same?????
  I honestly don't know what to suggest, I do think though that after 5yrs you've really got to make the effort with romance etc as you do get used to knowing 'there's always tomorrow' and not being so keen to please (I'm not necessarily talking b'ding, even just sitting n having a chat) perhaps you could hide the xbox controls for a few days or let Ryan throw them down the toilet or something......
  Tbh I'd suggest you write on the single mum section too, they might have some useful advice.
  Really hope you sort things out soon as it is horrible feeling 'stuck' take care x ????????

  0
• Options

  Pootle_OB

  Dec 13, 2009 7:39PM

  That's a hard one to answer, sorry you are having a pants time. Only you can really decide what to do but venting thoughts can really help. Something someone once suggested to me was to write 2 lists - things you love about them and things you loathe. Can help to put it down in black and white and weigh up if the things you love outweigh the things you loathe and if the things you loathe are things that can be realistically changed. Know someone who did this but was unable to talk to her partner so left it where it would be found, a couple of weeks later she noticed that the things on the loathe list diminshed (things like personal hygiene, standards of cleanliness etc) and other things improved because of that if you get my drift! Do you ever get to have a social life as a couple, not as ryans mum & dad? maybe if someone could babysit you could go out on "dates" and re-capture what it was that bought you togehter in the first place?
  
  Hope you sort things out for the best for all of you xxx
  
  Not much use at giving advice i'm afraid. Do you think Mark has taken you seriously before when you've said these things to him?

  0
• Options

  Pootle_OB

  Dec 13, 2009 7:39PM

  That's a hard one to answer, sorry you are having a pants time. Only you can really decide what to do but venting thoughts can really help. Something someone once suggested to me was to write 2 lists - things you love about them and things you loathe. Can help to put it down in black and white and weigh up if the things you love outweigh the things you loathe and if the things you loathe are things that can be realistically changed. Know someone who did this but was unable to talk to her partner so left it where it would be found, a couple of weeks later she noticed that the things on the loathe list diminshed (things like personal hygiene, standards of cleanliness etc) and other things improved because of that if you get my drift! Do you ever get to have a social life as a couple, not as ryans mum & dad? maybe if someone could babysit you could go out on "dates" and re-capture what it was that bought you togehter in the first place?
  
  Hope you sort things out for the best for all of you xxx
  
  Not much use at giving advice i'm afraid. Do you think Mark has taken you seriously before when you've said these things to him?

  0
• Options

  mamapink

  Dec 14, 2009 5:37AM

  So sorry you are feeling like this hun. As the others have said it is a very hard one to give advice on. I have known my hubby for 12 years and we have been married for 3. I do think that it takes effort from both sides to make a relationship work long term and if you are feeling taken for granted it really doesn't help!
  
  I know you say you have talked to him before and it doesn't help but maybe try again but this time why not suggest you have a break from each other? You could maybe say for a couple of weeks or a month to see how you both feel at the end of it. It may be the wake up call he needs or it at leats may give you some breathing space to decide what you really want.
  It would be sad for Ryan not to have his Mummy and Daddy together anymore but even sadder for him to live with Mummy and Daddy who argue all the time.
  Have you anyone you could talk to about this such as Mum,sister, close friend?
  
  Maybe you need to sit down and think about what you would want to change in the relationship to be worth saving? Look at things you could both change as well as things he needs to do, as Pootle says do you get any time just as a couple? xxx

  0
• Options

  Emalenna

  Dec 14, 2009 10:44AM

  Hi Holly. Sorry you're having a shitty time. Not sure what to say really - you know I've had troubles with Dave but at the end of the day I know he loves me and he is trying to change (slowly!!) plus I was looking for fault with him because of my depression - sorry this isn't helping is it.
  
  I think you need to let him know how bad things are getting between you - he's a man and he might not have picked up on it! Have you thought about Relate (or something like it? Maybe even suggesting it would make him realise how unhappy you've become. Think back to what attracted you to him in the first place - is any of that feeling still there? Only you will be able to decide whether or not you should split up. Sorry that's not much help but I think you've been given a lot of good advice from the others already.
  
  You know my email if you want a good rant - always here if you need me. Big hugs xx

  0
• Options

  -kia-

  Dec 14, 2009 3:08PM

  Big hugs, I can totally sympathise - it is a very very hard decision to make to split up with someone that you have been with a long time - i had to do it with my ex - we were together 7 1/2 years and it took me 6 months to decide that it was absolutely definately the right thing to do. The way I saw it was that I didn't watn to loose him as a friend and if we carried on in a relationship then I'd lose him as a friend too and i didn't want that - we are still freinds and i'm glad.
  
  Don't rush it if you aren/t 100% sure, and if you can get away for a few days for a break then maybe do that to give yourself some thinking space away from him. Also some advice a friend of mine gave me helped me - he said to paint a picture in your mind about how you imagine your future to be with you being happy - whether its the nice house with a white picket fence all around it and hoardes of children or whatever (can you tell he's american..white picket fence lol) and then see if your oh figures in that picture.
  
  The pro's and con'#s suggestion is a good one too
  
  Could you suggest a trial seperation? That might give him a kick up the bum to sort himself out?
  
  Big hugs, hope something helps - we are all here if you need you - and theres the fb group if you want to talk more privately, don't rush into anything if you aren't sure.
  
  Sorry - got to run..trying to reply to 3 important posts before people come round
  
  big hugs
  xxx

  0
• Options

  IFindHope

  Dec 14, 2009 6:10PM

  thank you for replying it means alot
  you have all been relaly helpful
  
  i have weighed up pros and cons etc and thought about why i feel this way and what we could do. i think in the long run i dont see him being able to stay the way he acts for a few days after i vent this, its happened enough before. i packed a bag once when heavily pregnant.
  we dont argue as such its just such a rut, no sex life, no fun, nothing. i think of my future and i dont c him there.. thats what makes me think quite clearly about this now.
  
  i planned to talk to him tonight but bailed. am gonna just be quiet and keep myself to myself. he asked me a few times if ok tonite i jus nodded and focused on what am doing ( playing with ryan, washing etc). he has been helpful tonite and acted considerate which has made it easy for me to relax tonite. but why cant he do it all the time, or just more often. why is it only when i tell him i dont love him or want to be with him he acts the way i wish he would all the time.
  
  will try to get through xmas. both off on wed for ryans bday but not having party, just spending day together and then mum etc poppin up in evening to see him so will hopefully feel differently them..
  
  thakn you so much for replying it always helps having someone elses view and reassurance
  
  will def look on that other forum wfb, thanks
  
  xxxx

  0
• Options

  blueybluey

  Dec 16, 2009 9:44AM

  Hope youre ok hun and that Ryan has good day. ike the others said, im always here to chat too.
  I can see where youre coming from as i go through stages of up and down, dont know ehether we should stay together or not. I think you have to have a proper talk and say to him theres no point you talking about this again if hes going to agree when he doesnt and then still not change (you know how men sometimes do that just to avoid a row...) Tell him the exact things, like three or four things you need him to do/show you and ask him if he wants to be with you and how you can help him do these things. Make it clear that if things dont change within say, a month, then you will want a trial seperation. Lots of love xxxxxx

  0
• Options

  IFindHope

  Dec 18, 2009 6:52PM

  thanks bluey i will def take that advice, youve all been so nice and supportive. im going to get through xmas and then see how im feeling and suggest a trial separation. its not fair on me or ryan and not on mark either really.
  hope you all have a fab christmas xxxx

  0