Am I bad for feeling this way?

Tuppence · Jan 19, 2009 6:15AM

After 4 weeks of heartache trying so desperately to bf, I made the decision to bottle feed with formula, with the occasional ebm (this will eventually stop once I have weaned the expressing). I did try everything to bf, visiting a bf'ing councilor, attending a bf'ing clinic etc but Ruby was having none of it. I have now been bottle feeding for 2 days and I feel like a different person. We have done more in the last 2 days that we have in the last 4 weeks. One of my issues with bf'ing is that I couldnt bf in public (not against people bf'ing in public but just couldnt do it myself), so I was constantly arranging my life to get home in time to bf and was constantly stressed in case she wanted a random feed. I also feel that my bond has grown stronger since bottle feeding. She now gazes up into my eyes during a feed and holds my fingers with her hands. This must sound so stupid, but my feelings are so much stronger during a bottle feed that it ever was during bf'ing. Am I bad for feeling this way. On Wednesday I cried and was so upset at making the decision to bottle feed, but now I am so happy. Am I a bad Mum for feeling this way? xxxx

PinkToothbrush · Jan 16, 2009 4:08PM

NO!! If bf was making you and her stressed and unhappy, and you feel like your life has been turned around as soon as you made the switch to bottle, then you've absolutely done the right thing. No question.

tanroe · Jan 16, 2009 4:12PM

Hi tuppence, hope you dont mind me gatecrashing from due in march - just being nosy, seeing wot all u new mums are up to. I had exactly the same thing with my lo whos now 2. he bf fine for the first few days then things went down hill, think i only managed for about 3 wks, I also saw a bf counsellor, and tried evrything i was told, but nothing seemed to work. The min i put him on formula he was a different child, and that made me soo much happier. Your not a bad mum for feeling like this at all. if your baby is happy, than that makes you happy- which makes you a great mum.

green-mummy · Jan 17, 2009 6:07PM

Hi Tuppence, of course you are NOT a bad mum, you are a good one! You made right decision for Ruby and for yourself because you are caring and loving mummy. At the moment there is such a big pressure about bf that we always feel guilty if we bottle feed. But I totally agree with PTB- if bf was so stressful and didn't work it's better to switch to bottle. Now you both are probably more relaxed and you can enjoy feeding and your bond can only get stronger.

I wish you all the best and send lots of hugs for you and Ruby
xxx

hayleys1 · Jan 17, 2009 7:08PM

the guilt we are made to feel is horrendous and we are struggling after 4 weeks of bf but i felt so so bad when i switched my son to ff that i am determined to try harder this time as its my last baby so i really want to carry on. although it is difficult and if things dont improve soon then we are conidering switching i must admit. the colic nd wind is really bad just like bubbub says and it makes me feel bad on my son when she is constantly feeding from me during the day and depriving him of attention. dont feel guilty hun you are doing the right thin without a doubt xx

Lizzie77 · Jan 18, 2009 6:22AM

You so have made a positive choice and well done for being strong enough to make a decision and move forward for rubys and your sakes.

Like hayley, we are struggling away with bf but it's been getting worse not better as for two days now Juliet has not been able to stay latched on dur day for more than a minute at a time. I'm feeding her drive and drabs then having to race to sterilize a bottle and give her a totally guessed amount of ebm. She getting well confused and seems constantly hungry and upset in day so v unsettled. Meanwhile I'm trying to express like mad and when run out of ebm, I have no choice past 2days but to use ready made formula to top up her top up, if u get me.

Weirdest thing is that she feeds normally and attached for her night feeds. ....very odd .... Am under bf counsellor from hospital now, am praying she starts to attach again in day so can continue to bf as all this mixing and matching is unsettling for herand me.

Can totally understand ur decision tuppence, I'm constantly reviewing my feeding choices and options but like u, sooo desperate to bf

lixiedixie · Jan 18, 2009 11:58AM

No i think you've done the right thing if you feel better for it. If you're less stressed then your baby will be happier too

I'm carrying on but admit that BF is harder than i thought! I BF during the day but give EBM during the night which does actually get me through the day.

I so understand what you mean about bonding. My mum was concerned that i wouldn't bond by giving EBM but like you i love the way she gazes into my eyes.

I used to say i'd BF for a yr but now i just hope to get through the next week! People tell me that i'm doing my best but don't beat myself up if i go onto formula.

xx

Lizzie77 · Jan 18, 2009 12:36PM

Lixie I so hear ya about aiming just to get thru the week ahead!! A lady on bf forum gave that advice re small goal setting. Mine now goes...goal one to make it to 6 weeks which is Tuesday this week..then to make it to 1st deb which is day my mum and dad arrive from nz to stay for two weeks..

Sorry to hijack thread tuppence but lixie I totally relate to what u say. Every extra day is an achievement and if any more of us have to stop against our wishes, well we've done our very best , just like tuppence has, and we should all be kinder to ourselves xxx

blondefriend · Jan 18, 2009 1:25PM

I'm doing the same as Lixie - BF during the day and giving EBM at 7pm and 10-11pm. It has kept my sanity as it means that Abby sleeps well at night and it gives me and my OH a couple of hours in the evening. I really enjoy giving her a bottle at night. She is actually more likely to give me eye contact and I know how much she is getting.

If anyone told me this was wrong I would be angry. She is fed and happy. I get decent sleep and get to spend time with my OH which makes our relationship closer. Which baby doesn't benefit from calm, happy parents? Babies don't die from formula feeding but they do die when overtired parents fall asleep on top of them at night or drop them or (god-forbid) lose their tempers. Abby is purely on BM but I have now come to the conclusion that if I had to change I would in a heart-beat as she is such a sweet, contented baby and BF isn't that important in comparison.

Cally2 · Jan 18, 2009 3:52PM

Well Tuppence, I agree with everyone else - whatever is best for you is best for baby.

I wish I'd realised before the birth that bf would be so difficult and that there is so much conflicting advice on every aspect of it. It really has been and still is a challenge every day, but like Lizzie, I am just trying to think in the near future and not set myself any long distance targets that I might 'fail' to achieve... xxx

djwalsh263 · Jan 19, 2009 6:15AM

Thank God that there is someone out there feeling exactly the same as me!
I was in the due in Dec forum but my little boy Dylan came 11 days late on the 6th December. The labour was very traumatic and we didn't get a good start to BF after an emergency c section.
I really wanted to bf and in the hosp it seemed to be going really well, apart from the fact that Dylan wanted to feed all the time and didn't really ever seem to settle.
Once we got home though, everything got a hundred times worse. Dylan was just so hungry and was literally feeding all night without a break. I was constantly swapping him from one boob to the other and he was getting nothing to eat by the end of the night as I was just empty. Neither me or my husband were getting a minute of sleep and I was in tears all day every day.
The midwife was very supportive and made as many suggestions as possible to try to make things work but I was seriously not enjoying being a Mummy at all and yet was feeling incredibly guilty that I was even considering giving up BF so soon.
Everything came to a head when the midwife had suggested that i try to express some milk after each feed during the day and use that as an extra feed so that I could get some sleep and hubby could feed him. I only managed to express an ounce which disappeared in 30 seconds so hubby had no choice but to open a carton of formula. Dylan ended up drinking 5 ounces of formula and it was then that we realised that there was just no way I could keep him full and we decided to switch to formula there and then.
Like you, I feel like I've been given a different baby. Dylan now sleeps between feeds, is much calmer and also allows us to get 2-3 hours sleep in one go on a night. Both of us are enjoying parenthood and I don't feel quite so overwhelmed by everything.
I fully expected it to be hard, but I just didn't realise how hard it was going to be and after having a really supportive chat with the health visitor, I have come to the conclusion that I have done exactly the right thing - for Dylan, and for us as a family.
This is exactly what you've done too and you will all be much happier for it.
Since you are formula feeding now, I was just wondering how you are getting on with the 'make a feed up as you need it' rule. My health visitor was really good with us and told us to use our common sense and suggested that we should think about why the government might be recommending this when they have a massive BF initiative at the mo. Basically, although officially she couldn't say it, she was saying that the government are trying to make it really difficult for mum's to bottle feed!
Was so pleased to see your post - I have been popping back on here and reading the posts, but really haven't felt up to announcing the birth or writing up my birth story until now.
Rest assured that you have done exactly the right thing and that there is more than one way to feed your baby.
Debbie
x $:\$ )

Am I bad for feeling this way?

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