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Sorry ive been a stranger...
Hey ladies,
Just to say im sorry ive been a stranger to you all....
Im really suffering atm with PND apparently. I just feel a failure right now Dylan was so poorly when he was born he has a scar on his tummy already poor thing. He wont take the breast now because he was tube fed and then the nurse bottle fed him because i wasnt there when he was ready for his first feed as i had a raging infection so wasnt well anyway i had thrush in my boobs believe or not so wasnt allowed to breastfeed for first couple of days because of that now he wont latch on so ive had to bottle feed. I dont know why im so bothered i wasnt sure i wanted to through pregnancy but after birth wanted to give it a go but he wouldnt take any feeds so they tried the bottle before realising the pyloric stenosis then with my infection he couldnt take the breast now m gutted i bottle fed the girls so i dunno why im so bothered. He's a chilled baby but he wakes in the night and when he cries the twins wake up and then there all making noise and wanting me and i just scream and they get frightened and then i feel worse. Ella doesn't like sharing me so shes acting like a baby wont feed herself or anything and ruby hates the baby and i feel so guilty how could i do this to them. They already had to share me between themselves and now they have someone else to share me with. The other day Dylan was in his moses basket in the living room i went to the kitchen and then heard Dylan scream so went in the room to find ruby hitting him on the head with a lego piece. I saw red and grabbed ruby and really shouted at her for doing that i smacked her bum and put her in her room and she shouted your mean me no like you and i could of walked away there and then. Ella sat crying Dylan was screaming Ruby was doing her nut and i sat on the stairs rocking with my fingers in my ears wishing it would all stop or that i could get away from it. I eventually picked Dylan up and shushed him but i looked at him and thought this is all your fault you must all think im a terrible mother and im so trying to love Dylan but i shouldn't have to try it should happen and its not happening. I feel like Dylan knows how i feel because he's so unsettled with me where as with sam hes so chilled out and sam doesnt see the big deal because to him dylans easy but for me he isnt. I feel like all my chilodren hate me right now and they would be better off without me. I often wondered how mothers could leave their children but i understand now they think its for the best and thats how i feel now. Of course im not going to leave but im giving up the house is a mess i havent been out in i cant remember how long i cant even be bothered to get dressed on a morning. I coped with newborn twins how do i feel like this i was single then. I feel that Sam doesnt help with the girls as much anymore and is more interested in the baby and he says not and it may be me but thats how i see it. I screamed at him because he bought the wrong size formula he got a smaller one than we usually get and he was like calm down. I wish i could calm down. Eventually he called the heath visitor and told on me which im not happy about but she says it seems like PND not that i told her everything of course shed probly cart me off to the loony bin or take the kids off me or both!
What am i doing? I want to be me again i wanna be the happy mummy i used to be...i wanna love my son deep down i think i do love him but hes made so much change and for the worse that i struggle to see past it. So i have to go to the docs and get some pills goody....i think its a miracle i need about now! Please dont hate me i know im terrible and i havent been able to truly confide in anyone its helped writing it down a little. My mum has taken Dyln out and the girls are watching a DVD with Sam and im hiding in my room not daring to leave in case they start screaming and wantingf me again...how bad is that i dont want my children to need me i feel like an ogre...! I hope you ladies are all well and enjoying your babies i hope i havent put a downer on you all...im gunna try and get on here a bit more but its difficult atm....
xxx
Just to say im sorry ive been a stranger to you all....
Im really suffering atm with PND apparently. I just feel a failure right now Dylan was so poorly when he was born he has a scar on his tummy already poor thing. He wont take the breast now because he was tube fed and then the nurse bottle fed him because i wasnt there when he was ready for his first feed as i had a raging infection so wasnt well anyway i had thrush in my boobs believe or not so wasnt allowed to breastfeed for first couple of days because of that now he wont latch on so ive had to bottle feed. I dont know why im so bothered i wasnt sure i wanted to through pregnancy but after birth wanted to give it a go but he wouldnt take any feeds so they tried the bottle before realising the pyloric stenosis then with my infection he couldnt take the breast now m gutted i bottle fed the girls so i dunno why im so bothered. He's a chilled baby but he wakes in the night and when he cries the twins wake up and then there all making noise and wanting me and i just scream and they get frightened and then i feel worse. Ella doesn't like sharing me so shes acting like a baby wont feed herself or anything and ruby hates the baby and i feel so guilty how could i do this to them. They already had to share me between themselves and now they have someone else to share me with. The other day Dylan was in his moses basket in the living room i went to the kitchen and then heard Dylan scream so went in the room to find ruby hitting him on the head with a lego piece. I saw red and grabbed ruby and really shouted at her for doing that i smacked her bum and put her in her room and she shouted your mean me no like you and i could of walked away there and then. Ella sat crying Dylan was screaming Ruby was doing her nut and i sat on the stairs rocking with my fingers in my ears wishing it would all stop or that i could get away from it. I eventually picked Dylan up and shushed him but i looked at him and thought this is all your fault you must all think im a terrible mother and im so trying to love Dylan but i shouldn't have to try it should happen and its not happening. I feel like Dylan knows how i feel because he's so unsettled with me where as with sam hes so chilled out and sam doesnt see the big deal because to him dylans easy but for me he isnt. I feel like all my chilodren hate me right now and they would be better off without me. I often wondered how mothers could leave their children but i understand now they think its for the best and thats how i feel now. Of course im not going to leave but im giving up the house is a mess i havent been out in i cant remember how long i cant even be bothered to get dressed on a morning. I coped with newborn twins how do i feel like this i was single then. I feel that Sam doesnt help with the girls as much anymore and is more interested in the baby and he says not and it may be me but thats how i see it. I screamed at him because he bought the wrong size formula he got a smaller one than we usually get and he was like calm down. I wish i could calm down. Eventually he called the heath visitor and told on me which im not happy about but she says it seems like PND not that i told her everything of course shed probly cart me off to the loony bin or take the kids off me or both!
What am i doing? I want to be me again i wanna be the happy mummy i used to be...i wanna love my son deep down i think i do love him but hes made so much change and for the worse that i struggle to see past it. So i have to go to the docs and get some pills goody....i think its a miracle i need about now! Please dont hate me i know im terrible and i havent been able to truly confide in anyone its helped writing it down a little. My mum has taken Dyln out and the girls are watching a DVD with Sam and im hiding in my room not daring to leave in case they start screaming and wantingf me again...how bad is that i dont want my children to need me i feel like an ogre...! I hope you ladies are all well and enjoying your babies i hope i havent put a downer on you all...im gunna try and get on here a bit more but its difficult atm....
xxx
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Replies
Def talk to the docs. It's better to be open and honest with them. They won't cart you to a loony bin or take you babies.
Having a newborn is hard anyway but you have twin 2 year olds too which can't make it any easier.
Your not a bad mummy your just very tired and had such a hard time with being poorly and Dylan being poorly.
Def come on here to vent if it helps. We're all here to listen and help where we can.
You are doing an amazing job remember that.
Not really sure what else to say hun.
Take care
Mjc + Aleia
Xx
Please don't feel ashamed about going to the docs...if it can help just lift your head out of that drowning feeling, it will be worth it .... there is no shame in asking for help, I'm sure you would recommend it to anyone else in the same situation and would think no less of them...just as we think no less of you...in fact, I personally think very highly of you for having the courage to come on here and share your situation...if we can help at all, please tell us. Other than that, we are here for you to sound off at..and to remind you that you ARE a great mum, and you will feel it again yourself one day soon....the truth comes back and bites you eventually! Dylan has had a rough start in life, but none of that is your fault...circumstances force us into corners, but we can fight our way out of them again. Please make sure you talk to either Sam, your mum, a friend, or us....no-one is judging you, but rather saying, 'by the grace of god go I'...
Sending you strength and love xxx
Please keep coming on here and venting as it will help and anything we can do!
Jen xx
ur not a bad mum! I've sat rocking with my fingers in my ears too and I only have 1 to look after!
I'm sure ul feel better in time and dont feel like a bad mum ur not ur amazing!
xxx
just remember u do care n that's y ur getting help plus talking to is about it! N u will get betta very soon n ul b enjoy ur 3 gorg children again!
Sorry am not much help but we r all here for u!
Take pride in the fact that you are talking about it and seeking help. it takes a strong person to admit that they're struggling, and no one will think bad of you for it. You'll get there hun, but try not to beat yourself up in the meantime.
Cx
Thinking of you xxxxxx
Vicky